I am always on the hunt for new things that can make me feel better than I did yesterday. It is a passion of mine, if feeling good can be called a passion. I love reading up about and trying to understand how my body works. The best thing I know, or one of the best at least, is when I have found a new thing to add to my routine. My purpose at the moment is to wean off my antidepressants, and to do so I need to support my body as much as possible so that it can slowly take over the production of serotonin. I have probably enabled my body to get lazy on those points which lead to a bit of a mini-crises when I tried to cut down to 75% of the dosage earlier this autumn.
I went to the doctor and told her what had happened – basically that I ended up in a phase that can be described as a constant PMS – and she said not to cut down to 75% every day when trying to wean off medication. Instead I should cut down to 50% of the dosage only 1 day per week, then 50% two days per week and keep doing that until I’m on half a dosage every day, and then start cutting again. In that way my brain can slowly take over the serotonin production. This is something I never would’ve thought of to do before, maybe that’s why they say never to try and go off something without a doctor’s consultation.
But somewhere along the way I have lost trust in the medical system. The more I understand how the body actually is capable of supporting me and itself naturally the more frustrated I get with the land of pharmaceutical drugs.
a pill to fix everything
I used to be one of those people who wanted a pill to fix everything. I loved taking (over the counter) painkillers for every little ache I had in my body, I loved being prescribed something that would help me heal or feel better. I loved the feeling of somebody acknowledging that I was broken and needed help in the same way a toddler likes getting a Band-Aid for any minor scratch. They hurt and now somebody care for them – somebody has seen them and confirmed that what they are feeling is okay. It is comforting in the same way a pill is comforting.
Walking in a pharmacy for me used to be like walking in to a world of external possibilities to feel amazing. I could wonder around the isles and if I knew just a little bit less about the world and how it works I would probably walk out with a basket full of pills, vitamins and concoctions every time I left with a new faith in my future – not thanks to myself but thanks to the new pills.
I put all the faith in healing and feeling good outside of my own body, which obviously leads to the body’s signals to go numb and lazy. If I start using external forces to support my body it is going to act like a spoilt child. It is also going to be confused, not knowing when to step in. Back when I started my antidepressants I thought that I was forever broken and that I needed all the help I could get to be fixed. A part of me also liked the thought of being seen as broken. I wanted to feel broken because I didn’t know anything else, another part of me understand that I did what I did because that was all I knew at the time.
I wondered what was wrong with me?
Looking back I just slap my hand on my forehead wondering how naïve I could actually be. But obviously I was. I drank so much diet coke, more than water I would say, I ate 90%protein and didn’t care if it was organic or not (which means that it most likely was pumped with antibiotics and other chemicals which signals would confuse my body), I drank myself stupid every weekend, chewed a crazy amount of gum (crazy amount!) and other “sugar-free” lollies and I never meditated or took time to calm my brain. I worked out every day to lose weight – never to look after or care for my body. I worked out with hate and disgust for myself, which probably triggered a lot of stress in my body. And then I wondered why I didn’t feel good? I wondered what was wrong with me? And I believed that I was healthy and had done everything I could to feel good but I didn’t feel good so I must be broken. I must need external help I thought! Sadly that was the best I knew then.
I am now excited to be able to connect with my body and care for it in a natural way. I know that my body is capable of so much more than I ever dared to think if I am treating it with trust and belief. I am done with feeling helpless and needing Band-Aid for every little scratch, screaming for people to see me weak and hurt. I’m done with disrespecting my body in that way, like it is capable of nothing. I know that I can support it to heal everything that was ever broken within me if I let it, and now I am finally in a place where I dare to believe that I am worth something without needing anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t need to be looked upon as broken anymore.
I love trust. I love love. I love support. I love connection. I love feeling really good.
I am now down to 50% of my dosage 2 days per week (I’m taking it slow and go in phases of cutting down every two weeks instead of every week) and I know that this is working out for me. To support my body in this process I am committed to give it the best support I know of today.
You can reed about what I do to support my body to wean off antidepressants on this previous post; http://www.mymondaylove.com/2017/05/26/all-the-reasons-to-feel-good/