Most of the times I like to think that I am aware of my whole being and why I respond to things the way I do, emotionally. I like to think that I am in control, and if something happens that make me go off I like to believe that it has nothing to do with me. I like to think that I am in such good control over my own emotions that if I break or snap – it wasn’t because of me, it was because of them. That is a very dangerous and un-aware way of living and being. Feeling as if everything is under my own control make me blame others when I am unbalanced and that is preventing me from really being able to tune in and listen to what my body is trying to tell me.
I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things
For example, when I used to drink a lot of alcohol every weekend and I woke up with bad anxiety every Monday morning. I believed that my emotions were sort of under control because I knew that the drinking effected my emotions to the point where I felt that I would never be able to feel happiness again. But I didn’t want to take responsibility for the fact that “people” also got more annoying when I felt like shit, and I might have gotten angry with a friend, making up stories of betrayal in my mind that I would never have come up with if it wasn’t for the fact that the alcohol made me emotionally unbalanced. I thought that it was enough taking responsibility for the anxiety and the depression, but I wonder how much that has happened I didn’t take responsibility for because I blamed other people for being annoying or false when the reality was that I was paranoid or mentally weak from drinking and not sleeping enough.
Essentially it is the same with PMS. When I am “under the PMS-spell” my whole being feel as if other people have more problems with me as a person. Realistically that cannot be the case. People aren’t more annoying and don’t want to go against my will more often then than any other days (unless they are under some kind of “spell” too). I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things. The change on how I experience life under the spell can therefore only get better if I can find a way of becoming internally balanced. It is not the outside world that is changing when I have PMS, it is the inside of my own world that is going through some hormonal turbulence.
I notice with myself that I point more fingers than ever when I am under the PMS spell. I try to make other people change the way they act and I feel as if I am entitled to feel disappointed with people more. I feel as if I am in the right and the whole world is in the wrong. But that can’t be the answer, when has that ever been the answer? Never. I have to change the way I am dealing with my own hormones and I have to find a way of balancing my body, mind and soul or else I will never see a change in how I experience life.
Fuck, the change actually ALWAYS start within doesn’t it?
The way people act never has anything to do with you and if you let other peoples behaviour get to you then that is a reflection of your inner life. It really is, but we cannot see it when we are trapped in an unbalanced body because the unbalance make us justify that things outside are out of balance.
This little epiphany makes me feel full of hope. It means that I can actually change my whole life just by starting to take responsibility of my own inner balance. I can change my life by stop blaming other people for making me annoyed. I can change my life by start focusing on why I deal with things the way I deal with them. . Our inside world is the key to the outside world. All the doors we want to go through are inside of us which means that we are already where we need to be physically, we only have to learn how to navigate mentally.