I often wonder what I will write about when my emotional life grow stabile. When I don’t feel so little and helpless anymore. I don’t feel helpless all the time, but it is when I feel emotionally unstable that I love what writing can do to me, or for me. I can put my doubts, my fears, my anxiety in words, and in a way it then makes a bit more sense.
It is crazy what is going on inside in my body and my mind sometimes and the past week has been quit intense emotionally. I wonder what other people are thinking, not about me – about themselves. Are people just happy with keeping all their shit to themselves or do people not feel like this at all? I wonder if it is just inside my mind and chest this emotional play is on repeat? Sometimes I feel like… I am slowly weaning of serotonin and it must be effecting me again because I have started to feel things I have forgot I could feel. Some feelings are good, and some are frightening me. Either way, this time I am committed to push through – I’m getting off this numbing shit.
I am coming back
My emotions are coming back and it is scary. I am coming back. I can feel it. It is like I recognise myself again and I haven’t decided what to do with it or if I even can do anything with it. There are a lot of good parts about this, I know that, especially once my body settles. I didn’t realise it yet, but I have missed the feeling of happy-crying, I get that more often now. I cry because I feel for other people, because I am genuinely happy for them. I love that. People I don’t know that looks happy can make me cry. But I also feel scared to be with my own mind too much. When nothing happens around me my emotion starts echoing. It is like everything is rushing around inside of me, and sometimes I feel like I am having a hard time calming myself, my mind and my body down. It is a feeling of a clear fog inside. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s what it feels like. Like everything around the fog is clear but I can’t get into the deepness of my mind, I can’t reach in to my core.
I feel like it is up my throat, in my eyes, in my nose, in my chest. In my brain. I feel restless and unsatisfied – because I can’t feel inside that fog. Then I force myself to sit down, see where I am, what I have in my life that I love and I get calm for a second because I grab a hold of something concrete. As soon as I stop thinking and let go the emotions take over again. I wish that I could always feel settled and appreciative. That I don’t need anything other than myself to love where I am and what I am doing. But I always think about what could make this moment even better, what could make me feel it even deeper. It ruins many moments constantly thinking what could make shit better. Why not just love what is. Not what if. Just be.
I just need to feel calm. Be calm. Find calm.