Free from fear (sort of) and full of hope!

Here we go again!

Today I am turning 27 and I feel so good about that! I have got a lot of optimism for this year. I’m finally done with my 9 years of antidepressants, I am my own friend and I have learnt how to communicate with my body. But still, I’ve just got that last bit to go in order to get these chemicals out of my system, and the turbulence has been real, but this time not so scary because I’ve learnt from the past episodes that everything will pass.

My anger is bubbling up to the surface again, my sadness is making itself known. I am depressed from time to time but I am not scared of my depression. Not anymore, and that is probably the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in a long time. I can allow myself to feel as if I will never feel that I want to do anything ever again until it passes, because it does. I know that this medication is making its way through and out of my body and I am okay with that. I am okay with not wanting to do things other than reed my books and watch my shows and study my online courses that I am doing at the moment. I am okay with not being the centre of other peoples lives and I am okay with exploring my inner world and getting to know myself from the inside and out. In fact, despite small tingles of guilt for not participating in the world out there I am enjoying just being with myself, I know that the world out there will still be there when I am ready to leave my cocoon.

What I am not okay with is how this detachment from this medicine is sometimes taking over my whole being and I am having a hard time not seeing the worst in other people. I feel selfish in the way I act and think about people in those moments and I don’t enjoy not feeling as other people and the world is the reason, the source of my unhappiness. I blame “them” in my head in these moments, believing that it is because of them and the way they act that I cannot feel free and happy within myself. I know that all of this is bullshit, but then – when my body is taken over by this wave of depression that is what I feel and it is real. I am so lucky to have worked so much with myself and learned how to realise when I live in my mind – the problem finding (and solving) tool – so that I can realise that what I am experiencing in the moment isn’t real – even though it is so fucking real. I often have to tell Adrian in the middle of acting as my worst nightmare that I am not myself and I know that what I think is the reason to why I feel the way I feel is just an expression of what is going on inside of me, but in the moment I can do nothing but surrender to the feeling and be ok with it, be aware of it in order to not act upon it.

So this is what has happened.

Last week I took the last dosage of sertraline – an antidepressant I’ve been on for about nine years. I’ve been cutting down slowly slowly slowly since August 2017 to minimise these meltdowns and panick attacks to occur. The past three months has been great. I feel as if I have really got to know myself on a deeper level and I have learnt how to communicate and listen to my body. I have learnt that my body knows more about myself and the world than my brain could ever think up and the more I move my awareness down from my mind into my body I feel calm, centred, connected to something bigger and I feel as if I from there also can see people.

When I used to live all up in my mind I was too absorbed in how things should be and how people should act that I didn’t see the people behind the people that I met in my day. I only saw them when they were doing things or living life the “wrong” way, according to myself. People who live all up in their minds, myself included, tend to expect only perfection of the rest of the people of the planet and if they slip up we snap at them and let them know “whats what”. In order to avoid this many people put on masks and live inauthentic to who they really are. We come up with social rules so that we don’t have to think about how we should act in order for people to accept us – and slowly but surely we forget who we truly are and become a society shaped being who have forgotten how to listen in. We only hear our thoughts and rules. We search for all the answers out there, in the world – as if someone else can tell you what your body is trying to communicate with you. We numb our emotions, feelings, chemical messages with all these drugs, pain killers etc and we have stopped believing that the body actually can communicate with us. We brush that off as mumbo jumbo whilst we wonder why we have acid reflux and shove some pills down that might temporarily soothe the acid reflux for a day. Alternatively we could do it the mumbo jumbo way and ask our bodies what it is trying to communicate through that acid reflux – could it be something we do on a regular basis that might not be of favour for our stomachs? We have completely surrendered our bodies to the modern world and we seem to think that we can put all these chemically and hormone pumped food into it, pump it full of sugar and other inflammation inhibiting substances and then get a shock when we actually feel sick or lethargic.

We step into the roles of victims and think that this state of mind we end up in, or whatever happens to our body happens out of the blue and we take no responsibility for it. Instead we go to the doctors and say “why me?” and the doctors say “poor you, here take this and that for this and that” (not knowing (?) or ignoring (?) the chain reaction of side effects) and we go home with our new prescription and swallow it down with something that will definitely not soothe the acic reflux, but hey, we got a pill that will fix that now…

This is the way I have lived my life up until a few years ago when I actually started to believe in the fact that my body is not just a stupid… body. It is alive and it is essentially natural. I started to ask myself what would happen to any other animal if we started to feed them what we feed ourselves and our children and it is just so obvious that they would get sick and probably live shorter and less happy lives – because it is not what they are “supposed to” eat. Imagine giving your dog or cat ibuprofen or whatever, on a regular basis. That just seems so stupid, yet we do it to ourselves.

I wonder what would happen if you took two identical twins and taught one how to listen and live in a relationship to her body and the other one to live by the truths of today, with no faith in her body and soul and just feed it through the mind and what all the authorities tell us is right. The outcome is so clear to me.

So, I’ve gone off my pills and the after waves are making me question my whole existence from time to time but with every meltdown I learn something new about myself and the world and even though I feel like dying for a couple of hours with each meltdown I am actually not afraid of them anymore. In the times of panic and darkness I always seem to find the questions I need to be asking myself.

Five years with my Adrian <3

The past five years!

Big reflections – five years is a lot of time, sort of. I mean, in five years from now I’ll be almost 32 years old which feels like a really ‘adulty’ age, but then again, I’ve always looked to the future thinking I will mature in a way that I so far never have. I still feel like I have the same childish brain as I had when I was 21-almost-22, five years ago! But, as I look deeper into it, as I reflect upon the past years, I know that I have matured (or whatever I may call it) a lot on so many levels in my life.

The more I hang out with teenage girls I also realise that there is a big gap in… what is important in a teenagers life to mine. What was important to me then – to be someone, to be accepted, to look good, to be at every party, to gossip, avoid being the gossip and figuring out who I want to be in this world – has completely shifted. Today what is important is just simply to do things that bring me joy no matter what the world around me is doing – when I used to try to be in everyone else’s world in the past I now only care about the world I am in. Through not trying to be where I am not I notice that the world around me is growing better, bigger and much more peaceful. Being accepted is still important to me from time to time, but today not by the whole outside world, thank god, and I can feel that I am moving towards a reality where the only person I need to be accepted by is myself.

I’ve realised that I believe in karma within life. We constantly learn lessons in life, and if we don’t adhere to them history will repeat itself. I know myself that I used to live with all sorts of beliefs about life and myself and the world, and just because I saw whatever it was, as a belief; I ‘knew’ that I couldn’t change anything about this belief – I accepted it to be just the way it was. Today when I feel stuck or unhappy in any area of my life, I make sure to raise awareness around that feeling that I don’t enjoy living with and try to see what lessen I need to learn in order to free myself from the karmic repetition of this life phenomena. Sometimes there is a lot of work to be done in an area of life in order to release this belief, but it always work in the end.

<3 and so you came into my life.

These past five years have been full of work, mainly internal. It has been hard. Five years ago I was a mess. I was aware of my mess but didn’t know how to live free from it. I was one with my mess – the mess was me and I was my mess. I was in Australia for the first time and I had been hanging out with Adrian for more than a month – and I couldn’t get enough of him. All I wanted was to spend every second of every day with him. He was ko-ko and so was I, but the ko-ko-ness we brought out of each other was only the good kind, and that is what I loved. We showed each other our weird sides almost as if we were trying to scare each other off – but in doing that we grew closer and closer. You inspired me to find the home inside of myself.

And there we sat on the beach, exactly five years ago not knowing that we had the future we’ve had before us – even though it felt like we knew. We became a couple then, over text (CUTE!), and I felt kind of weird with all the how-this, how-that. My plan had been not to stay in Melbourne but to travel around Australia,  but there wasn’t a chance in forever that I wanted to leave Melbourne then. Not even with “winter” approaching. Those how’s didn’t get to me. Not this time. Not with him. I felt that we had to be together and whatever that would have to be worked out in the future would be. It was the opposite of stressful!

Then I was a 2L a day diet coke drinking, drunken, lost and insecure-yet-secure-in-a-twisted-way girl who thought she knew everything about everything at the same time she thought she knew nothing about anything. Anxiety and self destructiveness was normal, it was just the way I was. But with him, everything changed – ever so slowly. It changed to the better, every day. Some detours of course, but with knowing what I think I know now I’ve come to understand that all detours are in fact necessary. They are those karmic lessons I mentioned, a hint that something needs awareness.

Five years ago I hoped for this relationship to be exactly what it is today. And today I have crazy, fantastic and exciting hopes for the next five years with you (and then obviously for the rest of the forever of the time).

I am so glad I didn’t scare you away with all of my emotions, and I am so glad you tried to scare me away with all your koko-ness, because all of that is why I love you. All of you. And today, five years later also All of me. <3