The past five years!
Big reflections – five years is a lot of time, sort of. I mean, in five years from now I’ll be almost 32 years old which feels like a really ‘adulty’ age, but then again, I’ve always looked to the future thinking I will mature in a way that I so far never have. I still feel like I have the same childish brain as I had when I was 21-almost-22, five years ago! But, as I look deeper into it, as I reflect upon the past years, I know that I have matured (or whatever I may call it) a lot on so many levels in my life.
The more I hang out with teenage girls I also realise that there is a big gap in… what is important in a teenagers life to mine. What was important to me then – to be someone, to be accepted, to look good, to be at every party, to gossip, avoid being the gossip and figuring out who I want to be in this world – has completely shifted. Today what is important is just simply to do things that bring me joy no matter what the world around me is doing – when I used to try to be in everyone else’s world in the past I now only care about the world I am in. Through not trying to be where I am not I notice that the world around me is growing better, bigger and much more peaceful. Being accepted is still important to me from time to time, but today not by the whole outside world, thank god, and I can feel that I am moving towards a reality where the only person I need to be accepted by is myself.
I’ve realised that I believe in karma within life. We constantly learn lessons in life, and if we don’t adhere to them history will repeat itself. I know myself that I used to live with all sorts of beliefs about life and myself and the world, and just because I saw whatever it was, as a belief; I ‘knew’ that I couldn’t change anything about this belief – I accepted it to be just the way it was. Today when I feel stuck or unhappy in any area of my life, I make sure to raise awareness around that feeling that I don’t enjoy living with and try to see what lessen I need to learn in order to free myself from the karmic repetition of this life phenomena. Sometimes there is a lot of work to be done in an area of life in order to release this belief, but it always work in the end.
<3 and so you came into my life.
These past five years have been full of work, mainly internal. It has been hard. Five years ago I was a mess. I was aware of my mess but didn’t know how to live free from it. I was one with my mess – the mess was me and I was my mess. I was in Australia for the first time and I had been hanging out with Adrian for more than a month – and I couldn’t get enough of him. All I wanted was to spend every second of every day with him. He was ko-ko and so was I, but the ko-ko-ness we brought out of each other was only the good kind, and that is what I loved. We showed each other our weird sides almost as if we were trying to scare each other off – but in doing that we grew closer and closer. You inspired me to find the home inside of myself.
And there we sat on the beach, exactly five years ago not knowing that we had the future we’ve had before us – even though it felt like we knew. We became a couple then, over text (CUTE!), and I felt kind of weird with all the how-this, how-that. My plan had been not to stay in Melbourne but to travel around Australia, but there wasn’t a chance in forever that I wanted to leave Melbourne then. Not even with “winter” approaching. Those how’s didn’t get to me. Not this time. Not with him. I felt that we had to be together and whatever that would have to be worked out in the future would be. It was the opposite of stressful!
Then I was a 2L a day diet coke drinking, drunken, lost and insecure-yet-secure-in-a-twisted-way girl who thought she knew everything about everything at the same time she thought she knew nothing about anything. Anxiety and self destructiveness was normal, it was just the way I was. But with him, everything changed – ever so slowly. It changed to the better, every day. Some detours of course, but with knowing what I think I know now I’ve come to understand that all detours are in fact necessary. They are those karmic lessons I mentioned, a hint that something needs awareness.
Five years ago I hoped for this relationship to be exactly what it is today. And today I have crazy, fantastic and exciting hopes for the next five years with you (and then obviously for the rest of the forever of the time).
I am so glad I didn’t scare you away with all of my emotions, and I am so glad you tried to scare me away with all your koko-ness, because all of that is why I love you. All of you. And today, five years later also All of me. <3