Monthly Archives: April 2018

Bring me back to life!

I’ve  gotten to a point where I finally have had enough of my own self pity and victimization. I have, too often, been feeling so sorry for myself in the past couple of months. The self pity have taken over and I have been depressed, I know that for sure now – because I now feel things (good things) I haven’t felt for a long long time. I’ve just become aware of the fact that things hasn’t been what I want them to be.

I know I repeatedly say to be accepting of whatever emotion you are living with in the present and just allow for it to be present in your body in order not to cause internal friction and frustration through wanting things to be other than what they are. I still believe that, to a point, but I also have become aware of the fact that I might have used that way of thinking and living to the point where feeling sad felt so much safer than feeling excited and tempted to go out and live, do and feel excited about life.

I got to a point where I had enough, and reaching that point might have come out of many different variables lining up: The medication should be out of my system by now and I am relearning my brain to rely on its own supplies, I took some time off and went to the country and cleansed my liver with herbs, countless saunas, cold showers and relaxing.

I haven’t been able to be as loving as I need to be in order to feel good about myself lately. I haven’t had any energy to give, and not being able to give and share myself happily have done the opposite of nourishing me and my soul. But I think it was necessary for me to cocoon for a while in order to support my body and mind so that I can be capable of sharing and giving love effortlessly and naturally like I know that I can do when I feel aligned and balanced.

The process of going off these pills also made me irritated with the world and the people around me, possibly because my body needed my full attention and with anyone who stepped inside of my space I felt subconsciously threatened or maybe my brain was just overloaded with chemicals and I simply just needed all my energy to calm my mind, who knows?

Either way I came to a point (here we go again) where I had enough and I got the strength to – actually –  slap myself in the face and snap out of my own self-pity. Every time I felt my body and energy going towards 1. Being irritated with a person or a phenomena 2. Feeling sorry for myself and/or helpless 3. Feeling stressed about the future and how I am not where I want to be in this moment I allowed me to slap myself in the face – just hard enough so that it was uncomfortable – so that I would keep myself from sliding down that dark spiral.

I also decided to boost myself a little and signed up for a one week gym class and I went up ridiculously early to lift weights and do burpees before the sun went up – just to kick start my newfound source of life. Last time I remember myself feeling alive like that was when I made sure I always put an alarmclock on for myself – not for anyone else. I realised that I need to start waking up to things I love.

Every time I feel my self esteem sink or my irritation arise I slap myself in the face and say; NO! I know it might sound harsh but it just happens to work for me, and I feel kind of silly doing it so often I giggle a little at myself because if someone would see me I would look as silly as I feel. And we all know that giggling alone is like velvet for the soul.

It felt so good doing good things for myself and holding myself accountable for creating good things with my energy and my life. My inspiration through this transition in life has been Caroline Myss whose words and teachings really hit home with me. If you are interested in understanding your body’s energy systems and exploring the vibrant world in and outside of yourself then you have a great teacher in Caroline Myss. I have just touched the surface of all of her teachings and luckily you can just google/youtube her and get access to so much of it.

Why I need to stop identifying with my wounds!

During the last months of tapering off the “Zoloft” type medication I’ve been on I’ve come to get to know the difference in being depressed and having anxiety. I actually haven’t looked up the definition for either so this is purely based on my own experiences. Recently I have had days of depression filled with panic attacks that has scared me more than any anxiety has ever done. Not that the depression is worse, but it is definitely sneakier. I know now that I have never actually known what “depression” really is and I’ve always just assumed that it was sort of what I used to carry around. But today I’m not so sure. Throughout growing up I experienced dips, often, but it was always contrasted with extreme outbursts of happiness. This, the shit I’ve been thinking, feeling and experiencing is a whole new kettle of fish. I always knew when I was anxious because the feeling was so physical, but being depressed is like “knowing” that there is nothing to live for anymore. But then, once the depression-shadow passes I understand that I was just overtaken by depression and my lack of lust for living was just a waken nightmare. I am lucky to be so aware of the fact that the depression will pass with time, and I am lucky to not act on any scary thoughts I get once I’m in the shade. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who is alone or have no tools to use, because everything depression make you feel feels so real and it seems to take over without you noticing when, where and why.

I always say how grateful I am for knowing all different feelings so that I can relate through others through emotions. I always say that I am grateful for feeling like shit because I can appreciate feeling good even more. I always say that feeling like shit has helped me grow, a lot, and for that I am grateful. And I still am grateful for what I’ve been through mentally because it has shaped the person I am today, but I am also ready to move on and leave this world behind. Not this world, but that world. The world in which I need my wounds to survive.

Going off these antidepressants really introduced me to a new world of scary feelings and I don’t remember the last time, if even ever, I’ve felt the need to be so alone with myself. Most days I feel like I just need to be alone, I don’t really feel like meeting up with anyone, and that used to stress me out a little but I know that it is just temporary, whilst dealing with the chemical storm in my brain. I owe it to myself to not push myself too hard and if anyone would call me or think of me as selfish, then so be it. In the meantime make sure I get outside enough, I make sure I look after my body and I make sure I push myself outside of my comfort zone just enough so that I don’t completely vanish inside myself.

Now it has been a month without my “medication” and I know that it is time to come back to life. It is time to start getting up out of bed, for myself, and be excited to interact with the world around me. It is time to be excited to be alive again. I have been in my cocoon for a long time now, and I am ready (and scared) to get my life back.

I read something yesterday (in a book called Anatomy of the Spirit) that reasoned with me a lot and helped me get to this decision of getting my life back. It sort of described to me how I’ve lived my life since.. forever and through seeing it so clearly in front of me I am finally ready to let that go.

My whole life I have used my wounds to connect with people. I’ve never been afraid to mention my eating disorders, my “mental-illnesses”, my diseases, my fears, depression and anxiety as a conversation starter, an ice breaker – an introduction to whom I am. This book that I was reading was questioning why a person feel like every person has to know the pain one has been through as soon as possible and I had to ask myself: why have I always used my wounds to introduce myself? As if my wounds are the most important part of who I am… When did I decide that all the other things I have to offer weren’t who I was? Why my hurt? Why my pain? Why not my love and presence?

I have always lived as if my wounds are who I am, and in a way, they have been. But if I see a beautiful painting or a flower I don’t really care or need to know exactly what paint, type of brushes or what soil has been used to produce them. Yes my wounds are all in my history but just because they were some of what shaped me I need to realise that they aren’t what I am. I am not my wounds and I need to stop using them as my identity or they’ll be unhealed forever.

I am ready to be whole, complete, someone who understand but don’t always have to compare. I am ready to listen. That’s it. Getting off these antidepressants must be the last step for me in order to finally be free from identifying with a wounded person, a wounded soul. I need no more lessons in feeling sorry for myself, I’ve done that enough. I need no more lessons in self-pity and victimization. I am ready to be strong, happy and ready to listen and live life now. I want to be the tree other people can hang onto if they ever get trapped with a storm inside of them. That is who I identify myself with, a helper!

FreeTheGirl turns INSTAGRAMBOOK!

For a long time I have felt this resentment kind of feeling towards my book, Free the Girl – a story about (finding) self-love. It is hard to explain because I really have put so much of my heart and soul into that book and I want to love and be so proud of it but I haven’t figured out quite how yet!? UNTIL NOW, BECAUSE;

I am turning Free The Girl into an Instagram book!! 

This is a fun new project I have been working on and I am so excited to start releasing the chapters this way. I am sure I will change around my way of doing this as I go, but, no matter how; in 30 days you will be able to read the “whole” book on this Instagram account:

@freethegirl_mayakiusalaas .

Go in and follow it to see the book unfold in front of your eyes! 🙂

 

 

“The End , Free the girl as an instagram book:

Over the following 30 days I will upload an Instagram version of Free The Girl, from the last chapter to the first, Star-wars style. Since each chapter can be read individually I picture it to unfold like a rare but beautiful flower here on instagram and at the end of the 30 days the individual posts will become a complete version of the book Free the girl in an Instagram format.

If you know anyone who is currently in search for some self-connection and development invite them to follow this account and come along for the ride.

In this futuristic era we are living in and today we seem to scroll more than we talk to one another, so chances are higher that I’ll come across someone who can benefit from me sharing the mental and physical tools I’ve collected here.

These tools has helped and still are helping me cope with anxiety, depression and guiding me to self-love.

I will also share the people who has inspired me, helped me and brought me information that has helped me shift old truths and beliefs.

This is the sprout of a seed that once was just a thought. I will keep watering and nurse this little by little, day by day until it is ready to take off on its own. Just like the magic of everything that is alive!”

@freethegirl_mayakiusalaas