Category Archives: Food for thought

That body image shit again

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What even is that? It actually shouldn’t even be a thing. I hate body images, because they have and still do affect me a lot. If I listen I can hear how my brain is comparing me with everything there is to compare me with. Manikins, friends, models, my self. I compare myself with everything. Why do I do that?

It’s everywhere. In movies, in magazines, in real life. Diets, nutrition, work out plans or lack there of is all everyone talk about. Well, not really, but there is always someone you know who is up for a discussion about how to go about to look leaner.

Our world is full of contrasts. The same time we teach all our young girls that dieting is normal, complaining about our bodies is normal and being in love with ourselves is abnormal, we also get taught that looking after our bodies in the best possible way is extreme, and a bit too much out there.

Our society is based on eating crap and then diet with crappy techniques. Because I love to eat raw vegetables and avoid sugar and processed food people look at me as disciplined and extreme. But what they don’t know is that I’ve been the opposite, stuffed my face with fake sugars, diet cokes, processed things that say “low calories” and “no added sugar” and only lean proteins for years, and I’ve felt like shit. I wasn’t happy when I followed what was “normal”, so why is it extreme to live to make your body happy?

Not until I actually took a step back from my lifestyle of obsessive over-training and eating “fake-shit”, and started to understand my body’s biology, what it really needs and started to actually listen to that I could wrap my head around the whole body image thing. Because when I tried to achieve an “Ideal body” with crappy methods built on extremely biologically unnatural grounds, the way society push you to go about it, and I failed with frustration. I failed for ten years and felt like shit doing it.

But when I suddenly tried and put that “body image” aside, and focus on treating my body with respect, feed it what it truly craved, feed it what I would want my kids to eat, so many shifts happened inside of me. And I started to crave more of feeling good. What more could I do for my body? I can move a lot but only push myself when I know that it is what my body needs, not what my brain. And I can talk nicely to it. I make sure I get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and every time I hear those comparing voices in my head I simply tell them to fuck off. Listening to them, and listening to societies “normal” rules when it comes to body image turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. It made me genuinely unhappy. I already love so much, and it’s time I truly love myself, without comparison. Just love me.

It’s all about the gut

IMG_4003                              Beautiful and delicious vegan eggs at Matcha Mylkbar

 This post is about nutrition. About vegetables, beans and fibre. This might not interest you as much as it interest me, but I am a strong believer that food can make you happy. Wrong food can also interrupt the chemical release in your body, which can result in the brain getting lack of important happiness hormones like serotonin for example. Therefor, in my search for happiness, diet play a huge role.

I wondered why I constantly felt puffy

I’ve learnt some pretty seriously amazing shit lately. It’s about our guts. It’s about our diet. Nutrition and longevity is a big passion of mine and I’m convinced that what you put in your body plays the biggest part in our health. Nutrition is basically all there is to a good health. Forever I’ve been a no carb girl. It used to be no fat, no carbs, but hey, you get smarter with time. Hopefully. I’ve avoided vegetables and fruits because of carbs. Haven’t had bread or pasta (which seems to have been one of few good choices I’ve made) even though I love it. I used to scoff fake sugar, diet sodas and everything that tasted a lot but didn’t contain any calories down my throat. And my body was sour. I wondered why I constantly felt puffy. Fluffy. I wondered why I was depressed. Why I was obsessed.

Since reading and researching about the microbiome I’ve come to understand that all our immune system is based in our gut. We have a billion good bacteria in our gut that controls our body. It controls our immune system, regulates all the cells in our body and brain. And they eat fiber. All different bacteria feed of different fiber, from different plants. It’s is not enough to just eat one vegetable, like carrots, we need the variety in order to keep all the bacteria alive. And no, there is no fiber in even the leanest of meats (what used to be my major food source).

What about lean meats? 

I’ve always believed that one can/should eat as much lean protein as possible as long as it’s not red meat. I thought that if you eat that and a few vegetables you will be as healthy as you can be. But after reading about this it has made me rethink completely.

For a healthy microbiome it has shown that one should stick to about two-ish tablespoons of meat per day, max, and the rest of the nutrition should come from plant based food. As a matter of fact, if you skip those two tablespoons you’ll be sweet. It’s even better to skip them.

Vegetables and close produce 

The vegetables shouldn’t be cooked either since we then damage majority of the fiber in them. If you have to cook them, the best is to steam the vegetables slightly and then let them cool down to be eaten cold. When you let them cool down research has shown that the plants rebuild most of the fiber in the cooling down period. But do not reheat.

I’ve also thought that we are recommended to eat close produce because transport has such a negative effect on our environment. But, I’ve now learnt that every minute a plant stays out of it’s natural form, in the tree-tops or in the mud, it looses it’s nutrition. The nutrition dies with time. Close produce has now a new meaning to me. Even to keep shit in the fridge make vegetables loose some of their nutrition benefits with time. Frozen vegetables is therefor a good option sometimes, because with freezing stuff like peas, broccoli and avocado you keep the nutritional benefits. And they have most likely gotten frozen down strait after leaving their nest.

Favorites on my plate

is now mostly beans. All different types of beans. I’ve found this organic bean pasta which consists of only beans (either mung beans or black beans) and water. That’s it. It contains of 43-48g of protein/100g and a shit load of fiber. You can basically eat only that as a meal. But I always add avocado to make it creamy. And I eat as much raw vegetables as I can, which we order from Ceres-fairfood. A local organic fruit and vegetable farm just outside of Melbourne.

I make sure that I eat avocado and a green banana (which contains a lot more fiber and good stuff then a ripe banana) every day, and sometimes I’ll add fish. And I’ve added a vitamin D supplement, since apparently that’s the shit. It is vital for our health and now when I live in a country where sunscreen is a must, Vitamin D has to find its way into my system in other ways.

I’m not a vegetarian

I’m not a vegetarian or a vegan or a meat-eater, I eat whatever I know is best for my body, and if I one day feel like meet, I’ll have it. Why I avoid it mostly is because I’m convinced that eating animal products is linked to many diseases and a lot of inflammations in our bodies. And inflammation is the cause of most diseases. Therefor I don’t feel the need for eating a diet rich in meat anymore.

These changes has made a huge impact on me. Huge.

A major change in my life

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Since I’m constantly trying to figure out how to live the happiest and healthiest life possible, I keep my eyes and ears open and up for new things to try. Recently I’ve learnt not to be too hard on myself, not to make up too many rules that I have to stick to, and just letting go of a few of them, or most of them, has taken me to a whole new level of contentness. Stress reducing is just a beginning to describe that process. I feel like I walk around all day waving my arms like a bird. I have time to do that. I have time to relax. I can relax in my brain.

One new, major change I’ve made the last week is my diet. My diet has, for the past 10 years consisted mainly of protein. From chicken, eggs and tuna. To that I’ve eaten a lot of vegetables, mainly those with low calories and minimum amount of carbs. I’ve been super afraid of carbs. Eating carbs have equalled guilt and the feelings of being fat and ugly. That’s the truth. I only ate carbs on rare occasions, on which I always felt guilty. Always. For 10 years.

I feel like I’m doing my body such a favour

I’ve now done a lot of research, watched many documentaries, forks over knifes for example, and been listening to many doctors etc, who has convinced me that a plant based diet with minimum amount of meet, sugar, wheat and gluten is the most beneficial diet, for everyone. For so long I thought that white meet you can eat as much as you like, and gluten is just bad for you if you have gluten intolerance or eat non-whole grain gluten. Well, I’m so convinced that that’s not the case anymore that I’ve basically have stopped eating any of that. Mind you, that is, for me, a person with quite a past when it comes to eating, like doing a 360 in my diet. Eating more carb based protein like beans and vegetables feels hundred precent right. I feel fresh, energetic, happy, light. I feel like I’m doing my body such a favour. I never thought that I could give up my high protein, low carb diet, because I would be too afraid to get fat. But I understand now that it is what type of carbs you eat that will decide if you’ll gain weight from them or not. Eating plant based, raw and fresh food is never going to make you unhealthy, ever. That is if you’re not eating 5kg of carrots every day obviously. That’s not cool either. Apparently.

I think I’m one step closer to being even happier

I’m not going to go into any details about why I’m so convinced in this post, because there are better sources of information about this than my words. But I do advice everyone with Netflix to watch Knives over forks, and do some reading. It seriously blew my mind. I’m not for putting labels on things and restrict myself, and therefor I’ll be open to all foods on certain occasions. I don’t want to feel like I can’t do things that I might want at one point just because I’ve announced myself as a vegetarian/vegan. That doesn’t work for me, and I try to avoid any limitations like that in life. But I do feel, that right now, I feel like this diet is clearing my brain. I feel like my hormones are in balance. I don’t feel sluggish in my body. I think I’m one step closer to being even happier.

The change from inside

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I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

I left the perfect body in Sweden

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Last time I was on this flight, then towards Stockholm I was secretly doing squats on the toilet. I thought about how I could burn calories. constantly. How could I deserve my food? Avoid the plane food, but still eat it. What would people think of my body? “Do I look fat now” my brain asks me more than one hundred times per day. Every time I see a glance of myself in a mirror. Every time I add a layer to my outfit. It is crazy what a body obsession I have. Today I realise something new. Or something that I’ve always known, but now actually understand and feel.

I understand that living my life constantly chasing the perfect body is not the life I want to live. You might think that it’s just a thought that pop up in my head, and once that is changed I’m free. But when you’ve lived with an eating disorder for so long, or even a body/food obsession and weird body image it’s not just a thought. It’s my whole life. Everything I’ve done has been to take myself closer to my perfect body. The one that does not exist, by the way. Not unless you choose to accept the one that you actually have got. The one that is perfect if you choose to see its perfection. Not compare it with others.

I will relax and enjoy every moment from now on. Not let my obsession control my life. To obsess never works anyway.  Because the less I want to eat the more obsessed with food I get and the more I eat. The guiltier I feel. The more I think. The more it controls me. Everything I do. It isolates me. It is lonely. I’m so up in my own head and in my own thoughts and obsessions that I can’t focus on other people.

I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts

That’s fucked. But now, sitting on the plane back I crave something else. I crave the balance. The healthy balance in actually listening to my body. I’ve thought about it many times. I thought that I’ve been listening to my body, but my brain has always screamed louder. My brain has been screaming in my head for so long that my body has forgotten how to be heard. And my brain has definitely forgotten how to listen and give room for others. I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts. Constant planning. I’ve forgotten.

No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.

But I can feel something now. It’s a new feeling. I can feel how I left something in Stockholm. Something stressful and obsessive. I left is somewhere there. I feel a new calm in my body. And a new faith in myself. I will allow myself to be awake for as long as I want, I do not need to be up and lift weights early every damn morning. When I walk, run, eat, drink, sleep, plan I will do what I do because that’s what is happening now, not because I try to chase that body.  No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.

Now, going back to my second home, Melbourne, I feel relaxed. In a new way. In a hopeful way. No squats on the toilet, because it’s not all about that.

45 day challenge to be free

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In my 45 day challenge of breaking obsessive behaviour I need to put up some rules so that I cannot get tricked by my brain. Although these rules might sound obsessive them selves I need them in order to not obsess about my body, food and workouts. Every time my brain try to force me to work out before I eat to deserve the food, or in order to not get fat from the food I need to fight those thoughts and do the opposite of what my brain is telling me to do. I need to relax. My body need food without workouts. I know that. But in practise I believe that my body for some reason will blow up like a blowfish if I eat and not work out. But now I’m sick of having to do stuff in order to find peace. I’m sick of not being able to relax. I’m sick of never being good enough for my brain. So I’m starting to change some bad habits. Now.


For 45 days (and probably for the rest of my life) I will :

Work out only to support my body, not to shut my brain up. If so happens that I can’t or should not work out one day that’s ok.

Do the workouts that will support my body and mind most, not just focus on what will burn most calories.

More specific; do max 2 weights session per week. Focus more on yoga, Pilates, running and boxing.

Have 2 days off training each week. (Probably my hardest commitment)

I’ve deleted all Instagram accounts that focus on weight loss and that could make me compare myself to others. I do like motivation and inspiration but I used to follow 50% weight loss accounts and other body shaping pages, and I don’t think that being bombarded by those pages is benefiting my brain at the moment. I only want to focus on internal health and internal happiness. For these 45 days, I will stop and reject all comparing, vain thoughts that are implying that I need to change how I look in order to be happier.

Eat only one portion each meal, slowly, sitting down. No stand up snacking. Why this? Every time I eat I get obsessed. It’s like I’m Gollum and the food is the ring. Nothing else around me matters. I can’t stop. To distract myself I’ll bring a notepad with me so that I can switch focus from food to notes or drawing once I’ve eaten what I’m suppose to eat. When I’m full.


I’m confident that this is how I will find balance in my life. I know that I will. You know when you can just feel that something is right. I feel this. No more obsessions. Life is living. Not obsessing.

The process of breaking free

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So I’m in a phase of breaking bad habits. Basically breaking all habits that it restricting me from living. Breaking obsessive behaviour treats I let control me. Creating my 45 day challenge I’ve come to understand how many small obsessions I have welcomed in my life, and how they do restrict me in different ways. Right now I’m acknowledging them. Writing them down in order to break them. To break free.

My life is controlled by my emotions, and my emotions depend on if I’ve done certain things the “right” way. My life is controlled by routines, and as much as I love routines I’ve come to the conclusion that they do suffocate me. A lot. Basically I’ve found that I get endorphins from training so I’ve noticed that days when I work out I feel cam in a different way than days I don’t work out. This chase of feeling as good as possible has made me want to work out every day. After a while I couldn’t feel good and happy with myself if I hadn’t completed a hard workout in the morning. Even if I knew that my body needed rest I still had to push it. To be happy. To allow myself to love myself. I had to lift heavy weights and use big muscles to “deserve” food. And I got hungry. Obviously. But I then punished myself for eating a lot, because in my head I didn’t want to grow muscles I just wanted to deserve to eat and love myself. Now I’ve come to this point where I’ve actually gained 5kg of muscles that I vainly don’t really want. So where am I going with this?

I deserve better than this from myself.

If my goals in life was to build muscles and be a body sculpture I would probably be on the right track, but I don’t so much care about that. I’m just after a life where I’m as happy and healthy as I can be. I’m after a life where I can be flexible and don’t have to do anything when I wake up. That doesn’t mean that I won’t do things, it’s just that I want to do what I do for different reasons. I don’t just want to work out hard so that I can deserve to eat. I want to work out to keep my body functional and healthy. Not every day. Not to love me more. Not to get the perfect body. The body that doesn’t exist. Not because I’ve compared myself to someone else that I think has a more beautiful body than I have and I want to work out in order to look less like me and more like that person. No, it’s enough of that. Enough of those obsessions. I deserve better than this from myself.

It’s so funny to think what I do over and over again. With everything. Anything that make me happy I crave until it ruins me. I’ve done it with alcohol, food, no food, caffeine, workout, sleep, time. It’s a typical addictive personality treat. To over-do things. To not appreciate the things that you love in moderation. To just crave more and more until it takes over. Controls you. Controls your life.

I will not be insane for the rest of my life

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This month in Sweden has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve come to understand exactly how controlling I actually am. Where my focus is. I’ve realised that I work out for the wrong reasons. That I eat for the wrong reasons. I’ve realised that I’m not my body. But to change this, and to start working out for the right reasons, and eat for the right reasons I have to fully commit. Commit to do things that will support me and my body. Some might say that any type of exercise and healthy eating will do just that. Support the body. But when you aren’t capable of loving your body if you don’t follow the rules that you’ve created and if you can only love your body if you’ve had a big workout; something must change.

At the moment I work out so that my brain can relax. I’ve done what it has told me, my brain, in order for it to love my body. Still, my brain doesn’t always love my body if I’ve worked out. I work out so that I can deserve food. If I don’t work out I cannot enjoy food. My brain doesn’t let me. But still, even if I have had the biggest workout I can still feel bad after eating a lot. So what’s the point?

“insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”

This is how I understand that the solution to self love, self acceptance and self fulfilment is not to work out more and eat healthier. I’ve tried that. For over 4 years. It’s like Einstein said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I keep thinking that if I just work out a little harder or eat a little healthier “POFF” I will find the love for my body. I will stop judging it. How insane is that to think? It’s like I could laugh at myself. How can I be so naïve and trust my brain still, after all craziness it has put me through? After all self harm it has caused? My brain is a bully, and I just do what it tells me to do. I’m under a spell.

This is probably the most revolutionary realization for me. I truly believe that in fighting this I can set myself free. I truly believe this. And this is the first time my solution to finding self love hasn’t been trying a new diet and adding in a new workout.

I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.

So what will I do? I still believe that you have to have a clean diet and move in order to be the happiest version of you. But as it is now I go up at 5am in the morning many days just to lift weights and do burpees in the dark back room in Melbourne just so that I can eat with a good conscious. That’s a red flag. I don’t do yoga regularly because my brain tells me that is not enough workout for me to burn fat and deserve food. Red flag! I need yoga to shut my brain up. And if anything, it is so beneficial for my body. Bringing blood flow to all dusty, rusty corners of my body. I’ll create a 45 day challenge of not listening to my brain, and only doing what’s actually best for my body. Not listening to when my brain tells me that I haven’t done enough. Not listening to when it tells me I’ll blow up like a blow fish (because I wont, i know that). I will not listening to my brain when it tells me that I can’t eat any carbs because I haven’t been out for a long distance run.  As soon as I’m done creating my 45 day challenge I’ll share it with you. I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.

I will never love my body

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Writing yesterday’s post I got an epiphany. It struck me. 10 years has gone and my body has gone through all weights and shapes. From anorexic to porky and every shape in between. I have always been unhappy with it. I have always obsessed with what I eat. I have always felt guilty after I’ve eaten. I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.

I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.

It doesn’t matter how hard I train and how strict my diet is. I will never settle. I have to change the way I think and act around my body and food. I will not start loving my body through training or dieting. That’s not where the love is to be found. It has to come from habits. Happy thought patterns. Pure love. Not just love if I do something to deserve it.

So what the fuck should I do about it then? I actually accept my body now, but there is a lot of work to be done before I can relax in it. There is still guilt when I eat shit. Days when I feel bigger than others and I can’t be the person I want to be. I get agitated. I’m controlled by how I feel in my body. If I’m controlled with how I feel in my body, and I just realized that I’ll never be happy with it, how can I be free and happy ever then?

Something has to change. Starting to tell myself “I’m not my body” and really try to understand that I’m actually just inside my body has helped me realize that no one really cares if I look bigger or smaller. They don’t see it. They care about how I make them feel and what I say. Thinking like this, and actually understand it, has some what helped me. But  I need to repeat it a couple of times per day. I’m not my body. I’m not my body. I’m not my body.

“I’m not my body”

Step two is to stop obsessing with food. My whole world circle around it. What’s for lunch is my favorite topic at breakfast. When can I eat next? And when I eat I get manic and can’t stop until I’m about to explode. It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal. I always stuff myself up with salads and shit that is low in calories but high in volume.

It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal

For me to be free I think that I have to break up with my relationship to food. Still care about how I nourish my body, but stop eating with my brain.

It takes 45 days to break a habit without failing, accordion to a study I read at (www.thepositivepsychologypeople.com). When I’ll get my sweet ass back to Melbourne I’ll do a 45 day challenge with myself. I will not let my looks and my food control my emotions anymore. I don’t want that. I want to care about health and happiness. I want to live free. And I don’t want my favorite conversation to be where and what I can eat next.

I will love my body. For the right reason. I will. I know I will. Because I’m not my body. I’m not.

Bring back balance

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My blog has been under construction. I therefore  haven’t been able to send out mymondaylove emails. I’m working on that so that soon they will pound like a heart in your inbox again.  Basically the blog and I has been out of balance, but now we are bringing it back to centre. One step at a time.

What do you do when you feel out of balance?

Being out of balance scares me. It’s like I’m loosing control but cant be bothered taking it back. To start all over again. Although I know that I’m not starting over again, sometimes a tiny step back can make it feel like you have lost everything you’ve worked for. That’s when it’s most important to know that anyone, even me, is capable of going back, of making good decisions. From now on. Every decision I make I either follow my dream or taking a step back from it. I either get closer or grow the distance.

It’s always easy to plan a change. It’s easy to decide to get better at something, or deciding to get healthier and start exercising, save money or whatever it is that you need in order to get closer to your dream life. What’s harder is to choose the right path when it actually gets to the point. When you have to choose between doing or not doing. When you have to choose between what you think you want now and what you know you’ll appreciate more later.

We can all talk, and plan, and think, but then, when it comes to the doing part, sometimes we get lost in the endless maze of options. We have so much to choose from that it’s hard to see what’s “right” when we actually have to make a decision. I’ve been imbalanced lately, and I am not a big fan of that feeling. And I can either choose to complain and plan a change, or I can start making tiny good decisions that will take me back to where I want to be. Happy, satisfied and content. From today on I will choose to go towards my ideal self with every decision I make. From what I eat to how I talk to myself. All small, tiny steps matter.

Happy monday <3