Category Archives: Monday love

I am done with all my past shits.

The last couple of weeks memories of excitement, curiosity and happiness are starting to come back to me. It is as if I have totally forgot that my life has not been all shit. I look back and feel that there is no other life I would’ve wanted to ever live – I just know that I could’ve done so many things better and had an even greater experience and I haven’t been able to leave it be until I could figure out how.

(I had to go through a lot of old photos to go with the book. Some are more charming than others.   This one didn’t make the cut/ 14-forever!)

I have learnt and gotten introduced to many, many emotions and that’s so cool, because I survived them all. Today I woke up and was reminded by a thought and a feeling to remember and be grateful for all those fun times I have been through, all my real, supporting, fun, loving and fantastic friendships I have and have had throughout my life. I have lived a fun life, as well and it is like I have pushed all of those good memories aside. I had to, in order to write this book. Even when I was in my deepest depression, an emotional wreck I still had many good days surrounded by good people. That is not to be forgotten. Really, those are the memories I want to keep popping up in my mind from now on. I am done going over what was shit back then. With this book it feels like I am finally getting ready to let go of all those anxious memories that I have let define who I am. I have got this feeling in my body that tells me that I don’t need them any more. Everything I have ever learnt from them is in this book and now it is time for me to move on and start dedicating my life and writing towards something new. What that is I am not quite sure of, but I think that it can be pretty cool.

I want all those people, my friends, who I have been spending time with in the past to know that I love all of my happy memories, more than the shit ones. With this book I hope that I can help teenagers navigate through their emotional shit a little easier so that when they look back they have even less shit to go through until they can truly just enjoy the good things. I hope that with this book teenagers can understand that we create fun memories with everything we do. Finally, I hope that with this book I can remind myself of that, so that I stop taking “life” too seriously, over-analyzing everything I do and just start enjoy living more and more with each day that comes. It is time for me to move “back” into the present moment and let the past be…

I need that to get to know what my body and mind need today, because living life constantly thinking what I wished I could’ve done differently is living the opposite way of how I wished that I was living then anyway.

I am so proud of my book now and I know that it is capable to help a lot of teenagers who overthink life a little or a lot. But, even if it doesn’t help anyone, it has been worth writing it because the process of writing it has helped me, a lot, and I never thought that I could actually be really helped.

 

Feel calm. Be calm. Find calm.

I often wonder what I will write about when my emotional life grow stabile. When I don’t feel so little and helpless anymore. I don’t feel helpless all the time, but it is when I feel emotionally unstable that I love what writing can do to me, or for me. I can put my doubts, my fears, my anxiety in words, and in a way it then makes a bit more sense.

It is crazy what is going on inside in my body and my mind sometimes and the past week has been quit intense emotionally. I wonder what other people are thinking, not about me – about themselves. Are people just happy with keeping all their shit to themselves or do people not feel like this at all? I wonder if it is just inside my mind and chest this emotional play is on repeat? Sometimes I feel like… I am slowly weaning of serotonin and it must be effecting me again because I have started to feel things I have forgot I could feel. Some feelings are good, and some are frightening me. Either way, this time I am committed to push through – I’m getting off this numbing shit.

I am coming back

My emotions are coming back and it is scary. I am coming back. I can feel it. It is like I recognise myself again and I haven’t decided what to do with it or if I even can do anything with it. There are a lot of good parts about this, I know that, especially once my body settles. I didn’t realise it yet, but I have missed the feeling of happy-crying, I get that more often now. I cry because I feel for other people, because I am genuinely happy for them. I love that. People I don’t know that looks happy can make me cry. But I also feel scared to be with my own mind too much. When nothing happens around me my emotion starts echoing. It is like everything is rushing around inside of me, and sometimes I feel like I am having a hard time calming myself, my mind and my body down. It is a feeling of a clear fog inside. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s what it feels like. Like everything around the fog is clear but I can’t get into the deepness of my mind, I can’t reach in to my core.

I feel like it is up my throat, in my eyes, in my nose, in my chest. In my brain. I feel restless and unsatisfied – because I can’t feel inside that fog. Then I force myself to sit down, see where I am, what I have in my life that I love and I get calm for a second because I grab a hold of something concrete. As soon as I stop thinking and let go the emotions take over again. I wish that I could always feel settled and appreciative. That I don’t need anything other than myself to love where I am and what I am doing. But I always think about what could make this moment even better, what could make me feel it even deeper. It ruins many moments constantly thinking what could make shit better. Why not just love what is. Not what if. Just be.

 

I just need to feel calm. Be calm. Find calm.

The me-spectrum

How do you allow yourself to be okay with not being as good as you know you can be? I know how my favourite me is feeling and acting. She wakes up with a bang excited to just do things, talk to people live life. She feels clear in her mind and prepared to focus on whatever is ahead of her. She is organised but not too anal, dedicated but not completely unimpulsive. She smiles a lot, feeling so happy with where she is at right now and excited to keep building on this reality. My favourite me is full of energy and need to run it off in between sitting down. She feels fresh and healthy, loving and silly. Crazy in the nourishing way that can allow her to expand her reality.

 

Then, there is this other version of me who is just a little bit less agile. She is the one waking up yesterday with no intentions of actually waking up. She feels a little sorry for herself for being tired and have no idea of how she would be able to get from A to B.

– How will I manage to get my shit together today and actually do what needs to be done? She asked herself whilst scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed dreaming of laying in a hammock on a beach somewhere even though she honestly have never been a real hammock-lover. Twenty minuets of the morning got absorbed into the phone.

My favourite self don’t pay too much attention to the phone until she knows that it won’t take her away from her focus. But the little less agile me seem to lack that impulse that wants to start the day and start creating. The little less agile me loves scrolling. Loves resistance.

How can I choose which one to be? It’s all just a spectrum of myself and there must be ways to go about in order to be my favorite version of myself more often? Because if I loose that impulse, if I don’t nourish that creative impulse and end up scrolling forever I know I will get depressed. I will be handicapped.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I sometimes will lack that impulse because of what is naturally happening in my body with hormones, nutrition and training history. I’m getting to know those hormones who rise and fall throughout my cycle and I can really feel the differences in motivation and energy depending on what week I am in (this is so cool!). I know that in week three chances are that my motivated impulses might be a little weaker, I might feel a bit more foggy and lazy and a bit more cozy. In knowing this though I can much easier be okay with the reality of the way I am feeling in this moment and enjoy the scrolling even though my goal is to move away from it. I know that there is a natural reason to why I am feeling what I am feeling. I also know that I have had a big week and probably would have done a lot better if I would have slept a bit better and not had that much caffeine during the week. Just being aware of how everything effect me I feel so much calmer when I find myself scrolling in the morning, resisting going out for my run, resisting sitting down to create. Today it is okay not to be my favorite self. It really is.

Then I read through all of this and I wonder if other people just accept however they are feeling in the moment or if everyone, like me, also wonder why I feel the way I feel and if I can change it? Is it just me being this overanalyzing? Is my thinking stopping me from living or helping me live my life as my favorite self more often than not?

One month to book publishing!

In a month I am ready to publish my first book… I have been sort of ready to publish for a while but it hasn’t felt right and I haven’t really been able to adress why. My grammar and spelling has held me back a little and I have found it quite challenging to work for completion, I have never published a book before, after all. Luckily I got introduced to an editor who completely get what I am trying to put out there. She is really questioning things that needs to be questioned, questions that I have forgot how to ask. Her level of amazingness is indescribable. And the fact that she is giving me gentle pushes to help me believe that what I am saying is worth saying is worth everything. The help she has given me leave me feeling like I can not thank her enough – I can only hope that one day I can help someone in the way she has helped me.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self love is partly a story about the desperate, anxious and self-hating teenager/young adult I used to be, but in this story I go back in time, with things I’ve learnt in life, and help my younger self to see the other solutions in situations where I believed I was completely trapped. I help myself see the good sides, and all the beautiful things around me that I was too wrapped up in myself to see then.

It is a self help book, even though I feel a little awkward calling it that, I have to address it for what it is. But it is not only that; it is also a story about life, addictions, love, insecurity, desperation and hope. It is written for that teenager I couldn’t help, who wanted to pull her own hair out of sadness, anger and panic – and also for the person I am today. If I wouldn’t have taken the time to sit down and try to put my actions, mistakes and realisations down in words, I believe that I would have still felt more lost than I am today.

It has been a weird experience writing this book, because I started writing it when I was only 17. I knew then that the way I had treated myself and my body was horrible, but then I just knew to change one bad behaviour for another. I suppose leaving a bad habit behind is progress, but is it actually progress if what you are using to break a bad habit is equally bad? Depends how you look at it I suppose.

In this book I try to address those patterns and the “why’s” and reasons behind the self torturing I have been busy acting out and then I am suggesting alternative ways to go about a problem. It’s not just a story about why shit went shit, it is a story about shit and then a suggestion to how shit could’ve gone differently. Essentially it is a story about making something good out of shit.

Free the girl  is a book I would’ve loved to read when I was 17 years old – thats why I am writing it. It would’ve given me some inspiration to dream about things other than shit and it would’ve helped me to start play with the idea that I am actually a person who is worth feeling loved. It is quite funny thinking about all the things I wished that I knew then that I now know, and hopefully I can pass those knowings and realisations on to teenagers out there who, like I was, feels like life is just a little too overwhelming and suffocating to move in, but who want nothing more than just feel excited to live it.

Moving forward can be scary

This week has been both hard and easy at the same time. I had a meltdown a couple a days ago. Like one of those where you cry so much you need sunglasses in the supermarket. Why did I feel bad? Well actually, bad wasn’t really what I felt; I more felt stuck in a place where I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what help I needed to ask for. It was as if I was stuck in a deep hole and I didn’t know that I needed to ask someone for a ladder or a rope to pull me out. I was in the hole and I didn’t know that a ladder existed. At the same time it felt slightly amazing feeling that panic, and I don’t know why. Maybe subconsciously I knew that after this storm there will be a step up and I will have moved forward. I knew my breakdown wasn’t the end, not even a step back. It was needed for me to gather my strength and focus to finally move forward.

I now feel as if I am back on track. I feel so supported. Adrian constantly remind me that I am doing what I am doing to feel good, help others to feel good and to not take challenges so seriously. One step at the time. If I let every challenge break my, then I have to ask myself what it is worth. I don’t feel as if anything I am doing today is breaking me, rather the opposite. Even when I was sitting there with my head on the kitchen table, feeling as if I have no clue on where to turn next, in any aspect, I could feel that letting all of this anxiety, around what I am doing, out I was finally ready to move on after.

Life has also introduced me to people who can truly help me with my book development so that the book can and will be as helpful as possible to people. Again, I feel a new wave of support around me that really couldn’t have come in a better time. It is so good when people come into your life and confirm the fact that you have got what it takes in you. People like that is invaluable and if you ever have the chance to make other people realise what they are worth – take it. It can change their whole way of living, thinking and being. It can change their life and in turn they can change someone else’s…

What I have learnt from the past week is that there is always people out there who knows or can help you with what you need to know in order to take something to the next level. Ask people for help. I have devalued my own needs for too long believing that what I need help with isn’t worth people’s time. But not believing that I deserve to get help is to believe that my purpose in life isn’t worth anyone attention, and I know that it is, because my purpose is to help others through my own experiences. I keep struggling with valuing my work. Sometimes I think of the “wrong what-if’s” and let them lead how I go about my work. I think “what if I ask all these people for help and then I let them down by failing” instead of thinking “if I can get help with this and that I can help so many more people relate and grow with and though my writing and that means that the work is invaluable too”. This is a shift of thinking about what I am doing that I really have to make now, or else I am only self-sabotaging.

Help others, and don’t feel bad to ask others for help! Invite people to share their knowledge and allow yourself to grow.

I can change my life

Most of the times I like to think that I am aware of my whole being and why I respond to things the way I do, emotionally. I like to think that I am in control, and if something happens that make me go off I like to believe that it has nothing to do with me. I like to think that I am in such good control over my own emotions that if I break or snap – it wasn’t because of me, it was because of them. That is a very dangerous and un-aware way of living and being. Feeling as if everything is under my own control make me blame others when I am unbalanced and that is preventing me from really being able to tune in and listen to what my body is trying to tell me.

I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things

For example, when I used to drink a lot of alcohol every weekend and I woke up with bad anxiety every Monday morning. I believed that my emotions were sort of under control because I knew that the drinking effected my emotions to the point where I felt that I would never be able to feel happiness again. But I didn’t want to take responsibility for the fact that “people” also got more annoying when I felt like shit, and I might have gotten angry with a friend, making up stories of betrayal in my mind that I would never have come up with if it wasn’t for the fact that the alcohol made me emotionally unbalanced. I thought that it was enough taking responsibility for the anxiety and the depression, but I wonder how much that has happened I didn’t take responsibility for because I blamed other people for being annoying or false when the reality was that I was paranoid or mentally weak from drinking and not sleeping enough.

Essentially it is the same with PMS. When I am “under the PMS-spell” my whole being feel as if other people have more problems with me as a person. Realistically that cannot be the case. People aren’t more annoying and don’t want to go against my will more often then than any other days (unless they are under some kind of “spell” too). I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things. The change on how I experience life under the spell can therefore only get better if I can find a way of becoming internally balanced. It is not the outside world that is changing when I have PMS, it is the inside of my own world that is going through some hormonal turbulence.

I notice with myself that I point more fingers than ever when I am under the PMS spell. I try to make other people change the way they act and I feel as if I am entitled to feel disappointed with people more. I feel as if I am in the right and the whole world is in the wrong. But that can’t be the answer, when has that ever been the answer? Never. I have to change the way I am dealing with my own hormones and I have to find a way of balancing my body, mind and soul or else I will never see a change in how I experience life.

Fuck, the change actually ALWAYS start within doesn’t it?

The way people act never has anything to do with you and if you let other peoples behaviour get to you then that is a reflection of your inner life. It really is, but we cannot see it when we are trapped in an unbalanced body because the unbalance make us justify that things outside are out of balance.

This little epiphany makes me feel full of hope. It means that I can actually change my whole life just by starting to take responsibility of my own inner balance. I can change my life by stop blaming other people for making me annoyed. I can change my life by start focusing on why I deal with things the way I deal with them. . Our inside world is the key to the outside world. All the doors we want to go through are inside of us which means that we are already where we need to be physically, we only have to learn how to navigate mentally.

Sacrificing a little bit of my individuality

I have been holding on to my freedom like it was the only thing that was keeping me alive and happy. Everything that closed in on my personal space of freedom made me feel really unease and claustrophobic, but most of all it makes me feel frustrated. Who are anyone to think that they have the right to tell me how I can and cannot act and what I can and cannot do unless what I am doing is hurting other people? I haven’t been able to wrap my head around that, until now. My fight for freedom has made me cringe of the thought of being the slightest controlled. I have believed control to be evil and only damaging to people’s true individualities.

But recently, after again listening to Jordan Petersons podcast with Joe Rogan I have realised that control over people isn’t evil (if the control itself is not practised by evil people). To be a part of a group, a society we have to sacrifice a little bit of our freedom and individuality, or else we will not be able to be a part of the society. Without rules and boundaries there will not be a society. We would probably go back to being tribal without working towards a collective development of the world. It is when rules gets corrupted that we have to be alarmed and make sure that rules are created to benefit the biggest number of people. This is probably where I should stop writing about this because I have only touched on the surface of knowledge and science about this and how a society is built isn’t really part of my passionate interests.

What I am interested in though is how me, as an individual, can view these restrictions of my way of expressing myself in the healthiest way. See, before I was only frustrated with the sacrifice of my individuality that I had to make with going to school, following the rules there, not being able to do things that I wanted to do, put myself in line, learn about subjective rights and wrongs and having to follow some of those made up rights or else I couldn’t be a part of the bigger picture. These sacrifices have always made me frustrated. WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? Have I screamed. I don’t understand WHY? And to be honest I don’t ever think I have gotten any other answers to that questions than “because I say so, because those are the rules, because everybody has to do it, because it is the law”. And that has never made me satisfied. Why are the rules there if nobody can tell me the purpose behind them?

What I realise now is that it is though these sort of individual sacrifices that we create a common ground to stand on. We create reference points we use to understand and communicate with each other. We sacrifice a bit of our own freedom in order to create a way of living together. I have never looked at it in this way, and maybe this is completely obvious to many people out there, but now I am happy that I understand that the sacrifice we more or less are forced to do is connecting us all. But like with everything, the more we sacrifice the better it WILL NOT get. We have to find a balance between sacrificing individuality and still being able to express ourselves in our own individual way. We never want to lose our individuality, but most of us also don’t want to lose our connection to the rest of the group either. I am now happy understanding that I can be grateful for things that used to make me feel only frustration.

Progress in the land of antidepressants

I am always on the hunt for new things that can make me feel better than I did yesterday. It is a passion of mine, if feeling good can be called a passion. I love reading up about and trying to understand how my body works. The best thing I know, or one of the best at least, is when I have found a new thing to add to my routine. My purpose at the moment is to wean off my antidepressants, and to do so I need to support my body as much as possible so that it can slowly take over the production of serotonin. I have probably enabled my body to get lazy on those points which lead to a bit of a mini-crises when I tried to cut down to 75% of the dosage earlier this autumn.

I went to the doctor and told her what had happened – basically that I ended up in a phase that can be described as a constant PMS – and she said not to cut down to 75% every day when trying to wean off medication. Instead I should cut down to 50% of the dosage only 1 day per week, then 50% two days per week and keep doing that until I’m on half a dosage every day, and then start cutting again. In that way my brain can slowly take over the serotonin production. This is something I never would’ve thought of to do before, maybe that’s why they say never to try and go off something without a doctor’s consultation.

But somewhere along the way I have lost trust in the medical system. The more I understand how the body actually is capable of supporting me and itself naturally the more frustrated I get with the land of pharmaceutical drugs.

a pill to fix everything

I used to be one of those people who wanted a pill to fix everything. I loved taking (over the counter) painkillers for every little ache I had in my body, I loved being prescribed something that would help me heal or feel better. I loved the feeling of somebody acknowledging that I was broken and needed help in the same way a toddler likes getting a Band-Aid for any minor scratch. They hurt and now somebody care for them – somebody has seen them and confirmed that what they are feeling is okay. It is comforting in the same way a pill is comforting.

Walking in a pharmacy for me used to be like walking in to a world of external possibilities to feel amazing. I could wonder around the isles and if I knew just a little bit less about the world and how it works I would probably walk out with a basket full of pills, vitamins and concoctions every time I left with a new faith in my future – not thanks to myself but thanks to the new pills.

I put all the faith in healing and feeling good outside of my own body, which obviously leads to the body’s signals to go numb and lazy. If I start using external forces to support my body it is going to act like a spoilt child. It is also going to be confused, not knowing when to step in. Back when I started my antidepressants I thought that I was forever broken and that I needed all the help I could get to be fixed. A part of me also liked the thought of being seen as broken. I wanted to feel broken because I didn’t know anything else, another part of me understand that I did what I did because that was all I knew at the time.

I wondered what was wrong with me?

Looking back I just slap my hand on my forehead wondering how naïve I could actually be. But obviously I was. I drank so much diet coke, more than water I would say, I ate 90%protein and didn’t care if it was organic or not (which means that it most likely was pumped with antibiotics and other chemicals which signals would confuse my body), I drank myself stupid every weekend, chewed a crazy amount of gum (crazy amount!) and other “sugar-free” lollies and I never meditated or took time to calm my brain. I worked out every day to lose weight – never to look after or care for my body. I worked out with hate and disgust for myself, which probably triggered a lot of stress in my body. And then I wondered why I didn’t feel good? I wondered what was wrong with me? And I believed that I was healthy and had done everything I could to feel good but I didn’t feel good so I must be broken. I must need external help I thought! Sadly that was the best I knew then.

I am now excited to be able to connect with my body and care for it in a natural way. I know that my body is capable of so much more than I ever dared to think if I am treating it with trust and belief. I am done with feeling helpless and needing Band-Aid for every little scratch, screaming for people to see me weak and hurt. I’m done with disrespecting my body in that way, like it is capable of nothing. I know that I can support it to heal everything that was ever broken within me if I let it, and now I am finally in a place where I dare to believe that I am worth something without needing anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t need to be looked upon as broken anymore.

I love trust. I love love. I love support. I love connection. I love feeling really good.

I am now down to 50% of my dosage 2 days per week (I’m taking it slow and go in phases of cutting down every two weeks instead of every week) and I know that this is working out for me. To support my body in this process I am committed to give it the best support I know of today.

You can reed about what I do to support my body to wean off antidepressants on this previous post;   http://www.mymondaylove.com/2017/05/26/all-the-reasons-to-feel-good/

I don’t want to be as good as “they” are!

For a very long time I have felt confused and pressured that I need to “fight with the boys” and compete with all the men out there. I want to be “as good as they are” and I want to be able to make as big of an impact “as they do”. I say “they” in the most generalizing sense, for lack of a better way of expressing this, and if you don’t read too much into the sentence I think you know what I am talking about. The world is complicated and it is easy to get confused. The confusing part though happens just because we want everyone to fit into one specific framework and instead of learning how to listen to our emotions and interests we get taught to fight our way within this framework – as if that is what matters the most; how far you can go and how high you can climb. People forget to mention, or might not even know, that there is a life outside of it too. A life where you don’t need to fight, don’t need to prove yourself or do things only to show people that you can, too.

The more I stop competing with other stereotypes, other men and other woman, the more time I have to get to know myself and who I am and would be no matter what society look like around me. As soon as I stopped focusing on being “someone-important” and started to focus on creating things that are important to me with a dream of spreading love, happiness and fulfilment in this world I realised what is important in life. Self-expression is so much more than just arguing your point and telling people what to do and how to live. Self expression is to connect with what is living inside of you, what is trying to express itself through you. It is when we start trying to be what other people are and do what they are doing we lose connection to that expression within that is fighting to get out.

When people do what they do just to prove a point – that is when we allow society to make us unhappy whilst we wonder why we are not happy. We compete to prove a point believing that that is the only solution, we compete in the game we dislike not knowing that it is sucking our soul out of us and we become what it is that we don’t like.

This is such a delicate and hard subject to dig into but I feel like for the first time I can make sense to what it at least means for me as a person.

“FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS

Growing up I learnt that as a girl I have to be a part of this conflict; I have to stand up and show all the men out there that I can be “as good as they are”. In my perfect world I wish that people would stop trying to prove a point and instead prove to themselves that they can (and should) do whatever makes them happy. I’m not talking about the “ha-ha I told you so” happiness I am talking about doing that thing that make your whole soul and being happy. In my perfect world people would stop and ask themselves why they do what they do and if they wake up every day thinking “FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS” or if they think “this is what I have to do to be the person that I want to be. To be as good as “they” are”. You don’t HAVE to do anything. Because if you “have to” do things to become “the person you want to be” than that person is not you. Then that person will become a version of you that hasn’t expressed what you truly want to express. The version of you is just doing things because it thinks that that is what is expected.

What confused me, and has confused me up until now is that I have felt this pressure that I have to achieve something career-wise just because I am a girl (or a woman?) because if I don’t I won’t be able to look back at my life with pride. I have felt like I had failed the fight for my rights and that I am not worth enough, unless I prove that I can too be successful (whatever that is?) within the rules of the society. I was confused, up until now, to what is a “worthy” career and I devalued what I truly loved doing because I didn’t think that it was good enough and I didn’t believe that I was good enough at it to be able to keep on working with it.

What I realize now is that if I, from now on, will start dedicate my life to make my way “up” in the society, try to become “someone” people know and start playing by the rules of our society, THEN I will look back and wish that I would’ve dedicated my life to fulfil my passion and spend my time doing what makes me feel alive. If I realize when I am older that I have done what I’ve done to climb some hierarchical structure just because I have compared myself with people who are doing the same and I think that I am not a worthy human if I don’t, then I will look back fantasising about what I could’ve done with all of that time if I only had realised earlier that life ACTUALLY is about doing shit that make you happy. I don’t want to be a part of a group that would like me more and more the higher up I climb. I need people around me who are curious of life. I want people around me who do what they do with love – not with an agenda.

I think that we should learn from nature. Nature doesn’t ever try to prove a point to anyone because that doesn’t make nature happy. Nature does what naturally flows and if an obstacle occurs, it deals with what happens when it happens. Everything in nature knows what it is suppose to be doing. Can we be/are we supposed to be different or do we naturally have a “call” or a purpose too? It feels like when everything around us have such a certain purpose – can we really be so completely different?