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Mydeal Article about Amazing jobs!

I answered a question about what it is like to try to become what you dream of. It is such a weird question to actually stop and ask yourself.. thats’s why I like it.

“Every day I wake up and I write. I write for my blog, on my book or on the next book which will be my first attempt to write fiction. When I am done the writing I feel as if I have done my whole being a favour. I t feels complete. I feel complete”

 

Read the full list of Jobs you didn’t know existed here: https://www.mydeal.com.au/blog/post/amazing-jobs

Christmas thoughts, love and shit!

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My Christmas list growing up used to be pages and pages long. I was a needy person. Not just in a materialistic sense, but also in an emotional sense. I needed attention, things, love, things, acknowledgement, things and all shit stuff that was on the commercial. Both of my brothers were the opposite. When I cried because I thought that I had gotten too little gifts they cried because they’d got things they didn’t need. They didn’t cry because they wanted other things instead but because they didn’t want mum and dad to use all their recourses on things that they didn’t really need. This scenario actually happened probably sixteen years in a row. One million gifts were never enough for me.

When I think about it now I wonder why I was never satisfied. Even as a small child my mum couldn’t take me shopping for cabbage without me pulling a tantrum in the middle of the shampoo isle because I’d seen a colourful *insert whatever the fuck you want* that I felt like I needed with my whole body. It could even be a cat toy my body screamed for, and I didn’t even have a cat. Whatever was there I needed.

As I start breaking this down now, older and wiser, I hope, I realise that I probably was broken already from the start. I was an energetic child with so many emotions that I had a hard time grounding myself and really focus on one thing within. It comes with some kind of impulsiveness and anxiousness of a colourful emotional life. With no colour exclusions. I guess that I didn’t realise that emotions were things I could grasp and I needed external things to be able to connect to my emotions. It’s sort of like music and when you feel like you need a soundtrack to your mood.

Both my brothers always pursued their inner passions and got an outlet for their creativity; they made music, films and amazing drawings and I just didn’t know how to connect to my inner… spirit? I always felt like I had something to prove, people to prove, and I didn’t know how to do that. I needed things to define me because I had no idea how to define who I was without them. Because how can you define something you don’t know?

I should probably point out that my parents didn’t give in to my tantrums in stores. They didn’t spoil me with anything other than love, but still, I acted like the stereotypical lonely child of divorced parents.

I now wonder when I am a parent and if I get a child like myself what I can do to support? How can I help my child to find peace? How can I make my child understand that material things isn’t what should define you? How can you make a lost child connect with his/hers inner emotional life and find peace and confidence in just being? How can you make a child express their inner emotions through life and not suppressing them?

Life is a lot of things and it is different depending on who is looking and when. Many people, me included, used to see only what we didn’t have or didn’t get instead of what we had and actually did get. I had so much love surrounding me, but I couldn’t see it, because I wasn’t in contact with my inner spirit. Or maybe my spirit hadn’t yet arrived to see it? But now I see the fact that I am now able to see and that make me grateful to say the least. I see what I’ve got and I see what I have to give, and now I honestly know that that has always been on top of my list, even if I couldn’t see it then.

Confident people live with love

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My whole life I have lived trying to be myself, which to me means that I have lived my life doing what I enjoy. Being yourself to me means that you can express your thoughts and spending your time the way you want to without caring about the consequences. My struggle have been that I at the same time tried my best to be accepted of different people. I wanted people to like me so much that I was willing to sacrifice parts of me in order to get accepted. I did things that I thought I needed to do to fit into certain groups and I talked about what I thought was appropriate to talk about in these groups. My question to myself is; why did I care about what other people thought of me when I didn’t find what they cared about important at all? Why did I spend so much time trying to fit in to a group that didn’t care about anything I cared about? I simply don’t understand why I wanted to be liked and approved by them?

I just didn’t trust in my own ability to live my life. I thought that I needed to be more like other people to get anywhere in life. I didn’t believe in me, and that’s super sad.

What is it in our brains that make us try to be someone we are not just to be approved by groups of people that might not have the same values as us? I don’t know. I just know that my mission is to to make people understand that it is a waste of your time and life trying to please other people. I realized as soon as I stopped focusing on trying to be somebody that I thought that other people wanted me to be and trying to be more who I wanted to be things slowly started to get clearer for me.

You know how people tell you to listen to yourself, what you want and what you need, I believe that you cannot listen in to yourself if you are to busy trying to listen into what other people are doing. You have to stop comparing, get rid of all your made up expectations, be still and just trust that you are good enough with your own way of living. If somebody freezes you out or can’t stand you f you are not doing what they want you to do it is only because they needed you to confirm that what they were doing was right, and if you don’t do it their way then that makes them feel lost.

Confident people can see and value other peoples individuality. They don’t listen to what other people say is right or wrong. Confident people never tell other people to make them self smaller in order to fit in in. I believe that confident people hang out with people that live with love and happiness and see freedom in life. And that’s all I want. Freedom and love.

I did it, and this is just the start! <3

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I did something today that I am feeling super proud of. Something that I feel excited about. And if I wouldn’t have done it I would have kept thinking about it. This made me realise what I want to do in my life. And what I want to do is sharing a message of self love. That’s what this is all about. Caring and loving yourself like you care for others. Because then you can go on living from a place of love.

I realised today that that’s a message I want to send out. And I realised today that every day I want to work towards making young girls and boys see themselves as worthy. There are so many things in the world that needs to be done, but I cannot focus on all of it. Sometimes you have to choose where you would like to make a difference, and for now; this is where I need to be.

I went into a girl school today, speaking to 25 15-16 year old girls about how to find self love. I spoke with them about eating disorders and how I manage to separate myself from that place. I was so nervous before I honestly considered jumping in front of a car to break a leg or something, but I then realised that I’m going to that classroom to tell the girls not to let their inner critic control their lives. So if I let my inner critic control my life I would be a hypocrite and a wannabe. So every little thought of self doubt that appeared in my head I fought off with a strong and encouraging one. I was fencing myself the whole week. My confidence won and I did a really good job. Most importantly, I really spoke from my heart with an intention of making every single girl in that room curious about self love and how to honour themselves. And I felt like I genuinely could share my thoughts.

After I was all shaky. I also felt quite empty. Where do I go from here and how can I do more? How can we make sure we teach the kids that loving themselves is key to respecting yourself and then you can figure out where you want to be in this world. And who you want to be.

This is something I want to be a part of. This is something I am a part of. <3

Being true to yourself

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Sometimes stubbornness is a real bitch. Or I’m a bitch, who knows? I can feel myself holding back. I hold back happiness and I hold back laughter sometimes just because I’m stubborn. I don’t know what I’m holding back from but sometimes it’s like I need to prove to people that I’m not a hundred precent aligned with what’s happening so even though I want to laugh and be happy my body need to prove some kind of point. My body is holding back. It’s stiff and frozen. When trying to break it down I realize that it’s grounded in a couple of factors. I’m on a different energy level as people around me, or I’m jealous of how easy life seems for other people, I compare myself with other people, or I’m trying to prove a point by acting like a shit instead of just speaking my thoughts. I’m simply not being true to myself.

I’ve always been known to be a talker. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut in most situations, not saying that I talk about shit I shouldn’t talk about, I more mean that I talk about anything and everything all the time. I can talk, and talk, and talk and talk and I often have to remind myself that silence actually is gold sometimes and that listening is something a kind person should do too. But when my speech freezes is when I feel something icky, when I feel that someone with authority might want me to act or do something that I’m not really agreeing with. Authority in this situation is everyone I respect and basically look up to. I loose that voice I can’t get rid of in every other situation and I cant find words to articulate my feelings. This make me sometimes do stuff I don’t agree with or act in a way that isn’t true to who I am. To be clear, I’m not talking about shoplifting or pier pressure actions, I’m more talking about small things like how I talk to certain people or behave in certain situations. And I can’t find the voice to say that this doesn’t feel authentic to me, or that this make me feel icky. I cant find the why something doesn’t agree with me so that make me feel like I’m not entitled to feel that way and I act in ways I don’t like to act.

I have no idea if this make sense to anyone, but I’m trying to figure out myself why I sometimes just can’t speak up for how I feel and be true to myself. Because that is what it all comes down to. I’m entitled to feel however I feel, and if something make me feel icky, that is ok, and being true to myself would be to just say that this doesn’t resonate with me, and maybe I don’t know why. I don’t have to know why to be able to feel. I can feel in my body when something doesn’t feel right, and to be honest, I trust my body a lot more than I trust my brain. So from now on, I’ll practise my speech even when it feels uncomfortable. I won’t shut down and try to make a point through just shutting down my body expressions. I will clear when something doesn’t resonate with me instead. Because to me, that is what being true to yourself actually is.

Stop talking shit about yourself!

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I see it everywhere, a lot at work, but also everywhere in our society. Girls talking their bodies down in public, showing the younger girls how they should view their body. I complimented a girl on her legs yesterday. Not in a creepy way, I promise. She was in the fitting room at work and she had amazing legs I thought. I live by the rules of if I think something positive about another person I’ll say it to them. It rarely goes wrong. And why wouldn’t I give someone a compliment if it’s honest? It’s almost rude to be holding back on positive thoughts I recon. These were healthy legs, not starving skinny, this girl had a glow that to me indicated that she was treating her body with respect.

Strait when I told her that she had beautiful legs she said “oh no they are to stubby, I don’t like them”. To me, there was nothing “stubby” about her legs. She was an Australian size 8, a small if you’d like. This scenario shows how twisted our body image are.

First, maybe I shouldn’t compliment someone on their body, you can argue that that might start some kind of obsession or whatever. I don’t believe in that. If I see something pretty with another human, it can be their laugh, freckles, smile, voice or legs, I’ll say it because I think that we all get happy when we get an honest compliment.

Everyone is guilty for passing this on to each other

Second, this is crazy. But I also understand her. I’m in her shoes too a couple of times every month. On and off I look at my thighs with negativity, I look at my arms and stomach and compare my body with others. I’ve been taught to do so. Society have taught me to do so. Everyone is guilty for passing this on to each other. But we need to stop. We can’t walk around throwing shit at what we are, who we are. Because there is only you and it doesn’t matter how much negative shit you throw on yourself, you will still be you, just a less happy you.

You can starve, or over eat, or over-exercise or stop caring, but you will still be you. How can we start accepting who we are and just start caring for our bodies like we would if it was our child’s body? Or our best friends?

I would never tell my child that he/she had to stubby legs in order for them to be considered beautiful. I would never force him/her to get up every morning to do crazy workouts in order to deserve food. I would never allow him/her to talk bad about their body. Because I would only see beauty. I would make sure that my child got the best food to create energy and a happy body environment, and move, play, exercise with only pleasure.

We have to stop talking shit about ourselves. Because in doing so we teach each other to do the same, and so we all just walk around loving and wishing we were anyone but the person we actually are. And that’s sad.

Relaxed and happy with my body

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A catch up with Marissa Frew is like a whole body experience. I realise so many new things about myself every time I see her that my head is sore. One of the biggest things I took with me from this mornings catch up was not to over think every single decision I make. Because when I’m thinking about all the what if’s and when I thinking about the finished product I close myself off to reality. And I tend to do this all the time. I think and I think and I think and my thoughts about the future scare me away from actually moving forward                                                                                  with anything that I’m interested in.

I didn’t allow for life to take its place and the universe to actually do its job.

A lot of this I experienced in Sweden when I broke myself free from my rules with training and eating. I had set up this reality of rules that I had to work out hard every day in order to be able to enjoy the day. That lead to me not wanting to do anything at night because I needed to go up early to train so that I could enjoy the day. But I couldn’t actually enjoy the day or the night because I was thinking about tomorrow and how I could manage to fit in my training. Through all of this I thought that I was happy. I thought that my rules made me happy. But they closed me off to the real world. I didn’t allow for any spontaneity. I didn’t allow for life to take its place and the universe to actually do its job. Throughout all of this I wasn’t happy with myself nor my body, I always felt like I didn’t work out hard enough or ate clean enough, I was puffy from stress and hormones.

this past month I have eaten more natural carbs than I’ve had since I was 14, worked out less than I have for 6 years and I have never felt happier in my body and in my mind

It has now been over a month since my epiphany took place. The one where I suddenly realized that I wasn’t living my life. And this past month I have eaten more natural carbs than I’ve had since I was 14, worked out less than I have for 6 years and I have never felt happier in my body and in my mind. My obsessions are in control, my diet feels free, as in I eat what I feel like eating without thinking about where on my body this will affect me and I am being nicer to myself. I find it easier to cut myself some slack. And I also look and feel less puffy. I still move because my body wants to move, and I avoid gluten-carbs, but that’s only because it’s not good for my body. Not for any vain reasons.

I feel like for so long I’ve tried to be perfect, try to achieve a perfect body through a “perfect” diet and as much work out as possible, and the more I pushed myself the further away from feeling perfect I got. I tried super hard but It only pushed me further away from what I saw as an ideal body. Further away from what I felt comfortable with. And now, when I allow myself to relax and enjoy life, when I don’t try and aim for perfect and instead try to aim for happiness and self love, I feel like I can hear my needs more clearly. Maybe I just haven’t listened before because I’ve been too busy following my perfect training and meal plan that there wasn’t room to listen to my body and souls silly needs. But now I hear. And I listen.

Big ideas and failure

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I am a person with many ideas. They don’t just pop up in my head to then disappear; they take over my whole body and mind. “This is it” I’ve thought so many times, and I’ve dived strait into doing everything in order for this idea to become reality, to become alive. Then suddenly, when the respons and support wasn’t what I expected, I’ve stopped and let the ideas go. I feel like I’ve failed my ideas so many times, and that make me feel genuinely sad and disappointed. It feels like I’ve failed myself.

I’ve always wanted to create something new. Create something that I’ll get recognition for. Something that will help people. But I keep failing to complete my ideas. I try so hard. And then I give up.

So now when I come up with something new, something that I for one moment believe in, I’m scared that I’ll give up on it. I’m scared that this is my idea of the month. That one that I think will be life changing, but that I then let go of because I can’t be fucked dealing with the practical side of it, aka the whole execution. It has come to the point where I sometimes wonder if I ever will be bold and gritty enough to follow through with any of my ideas. I fall down in self-pettiness. Thinking that I’m useless, that I don’t have what it takes.

And then I remember those ideas that I actually have followed through with. Like this blog for example. This blog was for a long time just an idea that I was too scared to pursue. But I have enjoyed writing, sharing and getting responses every day since I started Mymondaylove. There is a lot more things that I want to do with this blog and with my writing, but that hasn’t made me give up. Even though this isn’t perfect I have been willing to deal with all the set backs and keep writing in imperfection, because this is what I love. This is what makes me excited. Writing is what makes my time fly.

I can choose to shift the focus from looking at what dreams I haven’t pursued and instead look at what I actually have kept working and working on. When shifting the focus I start to remember more things that I have kept on doing that started out as just an idea and I realise that those other ideas, the ones I didn’t follow through with, are just stepping stones for me to jump on, deal with in order to find those things that really resonates with me. I have to be grateful for those ideas, and grateful that I lived through and with them for a couple of weeks but then let them go. They weren’t the right ones, but I learnt a lot from them, even though I’m not always able to see it. I needed them, and then I needed to let go of them in order for something new to take place. I haven’t failed myself. In fact, if I were to stick with something that wasn’t a hundred precent right I would be failing myself. If I stayed with something that wasn’t what I was genuinely interested in long term I would be failing my whole life. Because I want a life where I don’t have to pause, work, to then live. I want to live through what I truly love. So that’s what I will do.

Recap of my 42 day challenge

 IMG_6307Some of you might be familiar with the challenge I set myself. The one where I will train max every second day, eat one portion of food, stress less etc. for 42 days.

Well something funny happened. Just after deciding to do this, my workout-stress disappeared. Once in a while I have to tell the voices in my head that it is ok not to workout, but most days I just live in this calm of being OK with just being.

As soon as I let myself just be a little, without looking at the clock, pinching my fat, thinking what I could to, how much I should work out etc. it was like I finally had time to just live.

To be honest, I have barely thought about my challenge, because I haven’t had to. It has all just worked out. I haven’t had to think about my challenge because as soon as I decided to change, as soon as I chose to live a life without my created musts I didn’t need to push myself to live. Life was here, waiting for me to live it.

My main aim with my challenge was to find some peace of mind. I come to understand that I was rushing around, trying to make everything fit into my schedule without any compromises. Compromising meant failing. My life was so organized and planned that I stressed about planes that I hadn’t even made yet. Everything I did had to be a part of my plan. There wasn’t anything called “just doing”. And when I had a break from all my do’s and must’s I understood that a lot of people that I love I couldn’t give my all to, because my schedule wasn’t allowing for spontaneity.

So to answer my own question. The challenge has gone so well that I haven’t even noticed that I’ve challenged myself. It’s natural. It’s life.

Motivation

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Sometimes it can be hard to understand that what keeps me motivated might not be what give someone else his or her drive. It can be frustrating, especially since you spend so much time in your own head.

What used to motivate me was also the thing that drove me crazy. That perfect body. It wasn’t so much a motivator when I think back at it, it wasn’t like I got heaps of energy and willingness to be healthy and move. It steered up more frustration than motivation. The ideal body wasn’t a golden carrot to keep me happily going, it was a panic and frustration since I was convinced that I couldn’t enjoy life unless that body was already in my possession. So the perfect body controlled me, consumed me.

What motivate me now are health, energy and happiness. I want to feel good. It’s amazing to now have got feeling good as a top-motivator. When the perfect body was the only answer to happiness I couldn’t fulfil my health needs, nor my energy needs. I couldn’t eat what gave me energy and fullness because that, ridiculously, contradicted my fight for my ideal body.

I understand now that it’s important to have goals that are aligned with one another. I’ve always thought that my goals in life were supporting each other. But I see now that they were actually contradicting goals. Sometimes there is just the finest of lines between support and something totally working towards what you are investing your time in, your life in.

I understand now that it’s important to be clear with what you actually want, and why you want it. The why has to be as clear as the want, and the how will soon fall into place. When the why and the want are on the same page, how is never a question, because the why and want is enough motivation to kill all confusion. Even when the how is hiding, the motivation is there to make you look through all hidden places, no matter how long it will take. To find that how.