I know right. How hard can it be to send out an email. Well too hard for me it turns out. Not to write it. I love that. It’s how that’s the problem. I promise that I’ll keep sending it as soon as I’ve healed this email-bug. xx
My search for happiness continues. Even though I mostly consider myself happy, there are always areas in my life where I want to improve. If you ask my family for example, they would assure you that I have many unsolved issues, and I think that they came to the surface here in Sweden. I relax in a different way here. And I also act in a different way. I suppose when living with your parents in law compared to with your own parents your relaxed and sloppy side tend to keep you company a lot more when you are staying with your own parents. But I also live out my thoughts and feelings more. In Melbourne I live a life where the way I live isn’t getting questioned at all. Almost. Here I meet more of a patrol, and I have to justify my choices for others, and then at the same time also to myself.
This procedure force me to rethink my choices, and sort of re-choose them. Is this the life I want to live? I am scared that I will miss Sweden and being close to my family when I leave. I obviously will. Because I’ve been in Melbourne for two years strait I sort of forgot how beautiful Stockholm is. Summer Stockholm. My Stockholm family.
If I had to choose now, I would do it all over again. Melbourne is my home now, and I do love Melbourne. I love my passion, my search for lasting happiness. My search for a life that fulfills me. There is something about Melbourne that makes me feel more content. Maybe it is that I don’t have to worry about other people as much? We do our own thing and no one expect anything from us. I can do what I do without anyone questioning it. It might sound selfish, but my focus needs to be where I’m happy and content. It’s still all-new to me, feeling good. Being happy. If I loose focus I’m scared I’ll loose my happiness.
It has been a bit of a test for me, returning to Stockholm and exposing myself to my old life. I’ve had to take a few things under considerations, like why I do what I do. And if the life I’ve chosen to live is the life that will make me the happiest. I believe that life is a dynamic thing. And sometimes you get stuck in patterns that might prohibit you from follow the flow of life. What I do today might not be what will make me happier in three months. And that’s scary to me, because I love routines. At the same time that’s scary, its also scary to think that you might get so stuck into your routines that you loose your flow of life. What I’ve learnt here is that I need to work on following life rather than always following the rules that I’ve created. I believe that happiness is when you truly allow yourself to live. To be alive.
What do you do when you try to make others happy and satisfied but you feel like you go against your own will? I admire those who can say no and don’t care what others think of them. I think I can sometimes. But often I think too much of if I’d upset someone that it seems easier just to not say no. I feel guilty to say no. And then I betray myself. And I resent myself for not valuing me. But I can’t enjoy life if I know I could’ve made someone happier. I treat myself like my wants and needs aren’t as important as pleasing others.
How do I grow that confidence, or whatever it is, to say no and just be proud to stick to what I want? Without feeling guilty. It’s the guilt I can’t handle. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for what I want and don’t wan. But if I can do what would make someone happy, then why wouldn’t I, even if I don’t want to? Are you really doing someone a favour if you are doing what you are doing with resentment? I do care what others think. And that’s probably where I need to start. But with people I care about, how can I not care? They should like me for who I am, and accept what I want and don’t want, theoretically. But I find it hard to do in practice. Don’t care. I get bad conscious if I want different things. I want to want what people want of me. Is that weird? Often I don’t want. What they want.
Maybe I just have to start valuing what I want and need instead of stop caring. Because I am of the caring kind. A people pleaser. I need to stop being a pleaser and keep being a caring one. And also add myself to the care for list.
Or maybe I’m too scared for people not to like me if I don’t want to do what they want to do. Maybe it all comes down to my insecurity. My need for feeling like I belong. And that people love me. I’m a people pleaser just because I’m not confident enough that they will like me if I don’t do what they want to do?
Do I believe people like me for what I do and not for who I am?
Asking these questions and bringing them to the surface make me aware of my thinking processes in certain situations. I feel that a lot of issues get smaller just by asking the questions. And sometimes id gives you that awareness of what you probably should work on in order to reach greater happiness in life. And that’s all this blog is about, how one can choose happiness in life.