Here is a link to a blogpost I wrote for the Hellosundaymorning community! For you who haven´t heard about it it is similar to Facebook and Linkedin but for people who are becoming aware of their relationship to alcohol. This is such a good meeting-place for those who are struggling with addiction or simply want to change their priorities in life!
Have a read here:
Always love, Maya
Posted in Monday love
Tagged alcohol, alcohol free insperation, booze, exciting life, Free the Girl, guestblog, inspiration, inspiration to go booze free, inspirational books, life life, self love, self love insperation
Am I boring?
I feel guilty for not wanting to be out all night. I’m scared that I’m letting myself be boring. I love doing nothing at home. Or is it that I’m too scared to be tired and sick that restricts me from doing anything? I get anxious of just the thought of being out all night. Why am I so scared of being tired? What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of not being able to work out because I’m tired. I’m afraid of losing control over my body. Finally I’m happy and I am scared of loosing it. I cant afford to loose it. I’ve been lost for my whole life and now finally when I feel at home and content I think that I’m doing everything to keep my happiness under control, and that makes me scared of impulsive decisions. I have a routine that works. I have a routine where I can get my energy from training, where I always wake up feeling rested, where I have control over my day ahead. And If I fuck with that routine I’m probably scared, deep inside, that I might loose track of my emotions and happiness. If I try the unknown; what if my anxiety comes back? What if I start doubting myself? What if I don’t like who I am? Again. That’s why I love keeping it safe. And that’s why I don’t like going out anymore. Because I’m scared of loosing the love for myself. Again. And I’m not willing to jeopardise that.
But I know that I am such an extreme case of a human. It’s everything or nothing, and I say that if I want to do something, like have a beer or a “real” coffee I will just have it. But when you have been “good” for so long, and not had any alcohol or coffee it might turn into a competition, and I don’t like myself when I’m competing with myself. That’s when shit get pear-shaped. I get too restrictive and I only like myself if I stay within the frames I’ve created. As much as I have to work towards being happy, healthy and energized I also have to work towards not restricting myself from living. I’m not just worth loving when I am as “perfect” as one can be. And perfect isn’t “never being unhealthy” perfect is when I can just be without judging myself. I have to loosen up and live outside of my robotic rules, because otherwise I might get to forty and wonder what the hell happened and when I stopped living? And that’s a nightmare. Last night I had one beer, and today I had a real coffee. I wont start boozing and drinking coffee regularly because that will not make me happy, but I will not allow myself to feel like I have let myself down if I have a beer or a coffee once in a while. For normal people this is probably gibberish. Most people probably don’t think anywhere near this, but for me it is a constant dialogue in my head. And I just try to feed both sides evenly so the crazy-addictive side doesn’t take over the crazy-rules side.
I actually love my life now. More than I’ve ever loved life before. But I’m constantly working on getting better, happier and healthier, and sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to get back on the right track.