Tag Archives: anxiety

Feel. Live. Be.

Ever since we got back from our holidays, Me from first two weeks in Sweden and then another two weeks in NYC with Adrian, friends and family, I’ve been feeling more down than up. It’s like I am not really settled in my life, I’m restless. I do what I do but there is a lack of joy and engagement and I am having a real hard time just being in the moment without constantly worrying or thinking or planning what’s next. I wonder if it is because of the fact (and I hope it is) that I have started to cut down even more on my antidepressants? I take it slow and it is so frustrating to do something without feeling any kind of reward from it. It’s like I’m peddling water. Like I’m standing still and all I want to do is just jump up and down and be involved in my life.

In Sweden I felt absolutely fantastic. I had been sick for a month, I think it was from cutting down  – apparently you can get physically sick, like the flue, from cutting down, who knew that? Honestly, I had all the symptoms; nausea, cough, temperature, blocked sinuses, panik anxiety etc, etc. It was like ‘it’ moved around in my body and settled down at a new place every day. I literally got well again on the flight over to Stockholm, which is another reason to why I think it was a mental reaction gone physical, and well there I felt so perfectly balanced. I didn’t stress over small shitty things that I let take control over me now and I didn’t constantly over think and analyse every single decision I made. I didn’t plan every minute of every day and I tried to make sure to be where I was and with whom I was with 

  

So comes NYC and I managed to bring that flow into this jack-hammering-city everyone loves, for a while. Sometime after the amazingwedding in Connecticut, where we got a break from the jack hammers and flashing signs, I somehow threw myself out of my own balanced flow and I haven’t really been able to settle down with myself since.  

I am stressing a lot about the small and the big stuff at the moment – which simply needs to stop because stressing and worrying is the opposite to living. I stress about money because I want to be able to plan trips to Sweden without having to let the bank decide for me – at the same time I am not willing to sacrifice my freedom of living a hippie-life with not too many musts – unbalance. I have to accept that trying to discover and engage in a life I love it is going to be a little work since I’m not quite sure what that would look like, yet. I am testing different ways and I know that I will stumble across something I love soon enough, I’m just not patient enough.

I have all these forces inside of me that all want different things – a lot of them contradict each other;

I want money but I refuse to do work I don’t enjoy. I want to feel like I am good enough and I want to feel like the life I live is amazing but I often find myself comparing my life to other peoples lives, thinking they’ve got it all sorted because I see what people are up to. I think that because peoples lives are scheduled they’ve succeeded. I am not super busy by normal western standards, and my mind thinks that because I am not busy every hour of the day I am useless and not worth much. But when I am busy I am not happy. When I have a job to go to I get really bad anxiety, almost panic; it is like my organs forget how to support me and I feel like I have to give up and quit. If I’m not aware I could easily pull my own hair out in panic. I am starting to believe that I not really made for the calendar life. Then my question to myself is; Am I just a pussy? Have everybody got screaming anxiety when they “have to” be somewhere? I feel like such a failure when I wake up to a mood and emotions that just hammer me with complete resignation.

Theoretically I know that I am very lucky – I really am! But why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I be in it? Why have I got such a hard time just living and enjoying it? (I really hope this is just my anti-depressants numbing…the real me. And as soon as I am done with this shit it wont be such a struggle just to land and be present in a moment).

I get it down to the fact that my mind is caught up in the doing and I am trying to find a way towards the being, that’s the mission I am on. I want to explore, enjoy and experience but at the moment I do too much planning, thinking and worrying.

I have to stop planning and start feeling, stop worrying and start living, stop expecting and just fucking be a part of my own life.

 

SIGNED, SEALED & Free the girl – Ready to be delivered!

Get it here (only available as an E-book at this stage, hard-copy lovers have to wait a few weeks. The only difference will be that the E-book contains photos the hard copy lack):

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B074GV3DPZ or

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B074GV3DPZ

Free the girl can easily be described as a letter to my teenage self from an older sister! I’m sharing my journey to hopefully make hers make more sense a little quicker.

In this book I give you the story of my destructive ego getting silenced by love, craziness, common sense, hope and a lot of stubbornness. You will go along for a trip to emotion-land, with me and maybe learn a new way of interacting with, and get to know yourself. It is a heavy read, but also filled with a lot of light, fun, “is this actually true?”, honesty and questions for you to reflect over.

Today, almost 10 years after starting it I am finally able to publish, move on with my life BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – help young girls (and boys) out there who have lost the ability/forgot how to love & respect themselves.

After completing this book I know this about my life;

I have never, ever, in my life done anything this properly. I didn’t actually think that I had it in me. Or, let me rephrase that; I always knew I could do things properly – I just didn’t think that I would ever feel bothered to put in that extra work into something to make it the best. I have always settled with the first ok or good result to then rejected it out of my life like a little deer child. For the first time in my life I feel that I have done the absolute best I can in producing something I am proud of. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of showing the result. It feels very revealing; because now, I share with you my absolute best! And, I am presenting you the hardest times of my life and my thoughts about how I could’ve made my life a bit or a lot lighter.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self-love is out there for you, or for that teenage cousin of yours who seem to be a little more down that you think she/he has to be, to read.

This book is a perfect tool for parents who have teenagers that might seem a bit down, are drinking too much, battling with eating disorders, lack of self love or who might just need a bit of perspective on life. It is a perfect book to have and communicate through with your teenager (and they will most likely love it too since it is written in a raw but still optimistic language).

 

ALL THE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also to be found in the book)

I am filled with a lot of gratitude to all the people who have encouraged me to keep working on this book when I sometimes doubted if I am actually the right person to shine light on these self-destructive subjects. Today, thanks to all of you, I know that I am, because I feel so much for everything I share in this book, and I truly wish that it will end up in the hands of those who feel a lot, and those who know people who feel. A lot.

THANK YOU Adrian who I have accused of not believing in my capability of actually finishing something (which I realised when writing this, is just my own fear of not being capable, and my own self doubt projected). Thank you for pushing me to create something that inspires and feels good, even though my story is quite heavy.

Thanks to my brothers for letting me share our story, through my experience and to use your documentation.

Thank you Mum for providing me with so many emotional drawings (some I heard you drew balling your eyes out) and being able to stay positive, never blaming me for treating you like shit and holding my behaviour against me – because you always knew that I had, and always will, have endless love for you.

Amber Weller & Zandra Zbinden for thoroughly going through and helping me see things with a new, educated perspective.

Anthony Ross for helping me realize how shit the book once was, which made me step up and not just lazily reject it, like I normally do – before I had actually put in the hard work of editing it properly!

Temi Katonis, Tali Morgan, Isabel Westrup & Ellika Fenno for reading this in it’s early stages and give me some really good feedback and confidence to the story.

I have to give my biggest thank to someone I have never met in person but who has taught me so much about the art of writing and composing a book; Honey Reither, who I would’ve never gotten in contact with if it wasn’t for beautiful, wonderful and supportive Josephine Tang. Thank you too for helping me see and feel the value of my book and believing that it will truly help all the lost souls out there! Sometimes I almost think that you don’t live on this earth….

I also feel as if I should thank my dad for something too …for just raising a thunderstorm child without letting it get to him (almost at all).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A place of knowing nothing

I know what I know. But what I know that I know might not be the truth – even when I am convinced that it is. So many times in my life I’ve felt as if I’ve done it all and nothing works. I’ve read all there is to read about something or tried all different remedies, that’s how I’ve been feeling – like I have all the knowledge. That also invites a feeling of hopelessness, because if I have tried it all I must be wrong. Then, at the same time as I feel this hopelessness of knowing it all, in the same body and mind I am open to accept the fact that I know nothing about anything.

I love to feel as if I know nothing, because that means that there is hope to constantly improve. It is also scary because I question if what I am doing is the “right” things to do, and if I know nothing, how will I ever know?

It is frustrating to think that you know it all, because if I know it all, then I must be forever damaged, unfixable, and I honestly don’t believe that that is the case. So I obviously mustn’t know it all. I think that it is simple to accept your flaws and get comfortable in them. For so long I have just accepted my anxiety and the fact that I need antidepressants for the rest of my life. I have accepted the fact that I am flawed and that I have tried it all, but in reality that is just me being lazy and arrogant. How can I believe that I know it all when not even the greatest of scientists in the field would believe that they do?

I feel better than I have done in many years right now, but I am hungry for more. I want to bounce out of bed with purpose. I want to feel that what I am doing in life matters (to me but also to others). I want to feel like I have the energy to run forever if I wanted to. I don’t want to run forever, but I want to feel as if I had to – I could. I want to trust life and that everything I do I do because I am supposed to. I want to feel as I am good enough to not do anything too.
With curiosity I want to do more of what makes me feel great, and I want to live a life where I can follow those emotions. Who cares about right and wrong as long as shit feels right and good? I want to surf on all the creative waves inside of me and let them take me where I need to go. I want the freedom of asking for help when I need it without feeling that I am failing my own capability and myself. Because believing that I know it all is insanity. The feeling of knowing it all and not being open to learning is just a roadblock-state-of-mind that will prevent me from acting, living growing and evolving. I am crazy, but I am not completely insane, thank god.

Prison or Freedom?

Feelings come and they go, some scare or ruff me up a little and some make me feel like magic is to be alive. I think that I have been able to identify the past couple of months episode of anxiousness and flatness. Don’t get me wrong – it’s nothing constant. Most of the time I have faith and belief in myself that I am on the right track doing my thing, but sometimes it just feels like it is taking forever. When I start feeling like that, like it is taking too long to get on to the road I want to be on and I find it hard to feel as if I’m actually on the right track. I simply start questioning if I’ve got it in me.
The thing is that I know that I am doing the right thing but I think that I might need some help and I don’t know where to find it. Yet. I know that it will find me or I will find it, but then I start to question if it will or if there is more I can do. There is always more you can do, but how do you know what to do when you don’t know what to do?

I thought about prison the other day and I can understand how some people find it easier to live in there because they would know exactly what’s expected of them. If they don’t live up to it – someone will make them understand what it is that they need to do. The same concept can be found in schools and in a normal 9-5 job that you are expected to attend to. In a way that is a little bit like a prison too. If you just look at the structure of it – it is a prison, or at least a life with one of those GPS things around your ankle. It doesn’t mean that you cannot like it – I loved school for example because then and there I knew what I had to do know if I was on the “right” track. My grades told me if what I was doing was working. School didn’t prepare me for a life outside of these structures though, most likely because the people who create the school programs live a life by these rules too. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t – that’s not the point.

Today, the idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay until I’m aloud to leave gives me anxiety. But so does being where I am at the moment – because I have no guarantee that I am capable of being independent, I have no grades that shows me if what I am doing is working. I am scared of the unknown and I am scared that I am too lazy to think and act for myself but at the same time I am even more scared of the thought of knowing what my days will look like for the rest of my life. I am not interested in numbers and businesses and I am not interested in being in charge of people. I am not interested in advertising myself. What I am interested in is this – what I am doing right now, in this moment when I am writing this – this is what makes my time fly.

So yes, I have identified my source of anxiety, I think, and that feels relievingly great. It is called uncertainty, which is a form of lack of confidence, and I believe that the only thing that I can do to help myself out of this is to keep on keepin on and make sure that I am moving forward with what I am passionate about. At least when I feel that uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing I know that I am not in prison, because if I was, I would know exactly what was expected of me. In the end, my anxiety from having to be somewhere every day is much scarier than the anxiety of not knowing where to be at all.

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.

The anxiety of starting something new

Whenever I have to put myself in a new situation in form of a new job, being in an environment I am not familiar with where something is expected of me I get really anxious beforehand. With really anxious I mean that there is this lump in my upper chest, almost in my throat and it feels like it is blocking my real emotions from living through my body. I believe that I am scared of looking stupid, scared of not being good enough right from the start. I feel lost. The thing is that when I am actually doing what I am supposed to do I usually feel fine (unless I am being starred at). The anxiety is worst before, and I keep being anxious until I feel completely comfortable in my new environment.

I am a settle in kind of person who loves being comfortable, I want to know that I know. It can be dangerous because if I am not on the case I might get stuck in places where I am not living at my fullest potential, but I am staying because I am scared of the exact feeling I just described. The heavy chest and emotional blockage. Luckily I value happiness so high that staying at a place that doesn’t make me expand and live in excitement is never an option for me.

Trying new things, and entering a scene where people who know what to do have to watch you learn is frightening to me. For some reason I don’t like learning, I like knowing. But one rarely comes without the other, so how can I overcome the learning curve without feeling this lump in my chest? At the end of the day I know that I will look back on learning wishing that I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.

There is something with the unknown that gives me anxiety. I don’t know what it is but I am so curious of figuring it out, because I think that can really help me becoming a much more open, spontaneous and control free person. I think that if I can get to the source of why the unknown scares me more than it excites me then I can flip it and live life as if happens rather than trying to constantly have everything under control. I want to enjoy the ride, not just focus on the destination sort of speak.

I remember in year four when we had one mixed class per week and we had to cooperate with the kids in other classrooms, with their teachers and in their way. This changeup gave me severe stomachache and anxiety weeks before it actually happened. And when the day came I wasn’t myself. One day we had to watch a movie with all the other kids and I cried until the teacher let me go home instead. I was so nervous sitting in another classroom, where I wasn’t feeling at home but other people were.

It is so contradictory to my whole personality. I am not at all scared of attention, rather the opposite, and social is my middle name. I’ve talked before I even left my mothers stomach. There is some paranoid element to my whole being though where I believe that people can see when I am uncomfortable, and think I am in their way or something. I am scared of people not wanting me in their space.

I am scared of people thinking that I am annoying, doing things “wrong”, being in the way. Basically I focus so much on what other people might think of me, that I unable myself to experience new things in a positive way. Instead of just being who I am, doing and trusting that what I am doing is right I focus on what other people might be thinking that I am doing wrong. But I cannot know what they might be thinking so the whole process is a waste of time. It is not my worries to take on, because if I simply just live my life, enjoying the journey, following my inner compass and trusting that I do my best in every situation, then why do I even care what others think? It actually doesn’t get me anywhere other than it will create that lump in my chest with the question “am I good enough for you?” written on it. Instead I need to realise that I will not be good enough for myself unless I start focusing on what I can do.

Life can be whatever you want it to be, the key is to figure out how to act in order for you to feel free. I want my life to be like a party, I have to stop caring what others think, because it will just make me not enjoy the actual party but look back at it thinking that “it wasn’t so bad after all”. I want to enjoy every situation in my life, help out where help is needed and laugh as much as possible. I want to be curious of the people around me, ask them questions and grow as a person. After all, I don’t want to live life taking everything so damn serious. seriousness is such a mood kill, and if it’s not life or death I do prefer doing shit with a lot of humor involved.

I haven’t quite figured all of this out yet and if you have any tips on how to overcome or deal with this kind of anxiety and worrying I would be so pleased to hear what you have to say. Share your stories. I find that just by talking about this it relieves so much of that pressure.