Tag Archives: calm mind

Free from fear (sort of) and full of hope!

Here we go again!

Today I am turning 27 and I feel so good about that! I have got a lot of optimism for this year. I’m finally done with my 9 years of antidepressants, I am my own friend and I have learnt how to communicate with my body. But still, I’ve just got that last bit to go in order to get these chemicals out of my system, and the turbulence has been real, but this time not so scary because I’ve learnt from the past episodes that everything will pass.

My anger is bubbling up to the surface again, my sadness is making itself known. I am depressed from time to time but I am not scared of my depression. Not anymore, and that is probably the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in a long time. I can allow myself to feel as if I will never feel that I want to do anything ever again until it passes, because it does. I know that this medication is making its way through and out of my body and I am okay with that. I am okay with not wanting to do things other than reed my books and watch my shows and study my online courses that I am doing at the moment. I am okay with not being the centre of other peoples lives and I am okay with exploring my inner world and getting to know myself from the inside and out. In fact, despite small tingles of guilt for not participating in the world out there I am enjoying just being with myself, I know that the world out there will still be there when I am ready to leave my cocoon.

What I am not okay with is how this detachment from this medicine is sometimes taking over my whole being and I am having a hard time not seeing the worst in other people. I feel selfish in the way I act and think about people in those moments and I don’t enjoy not feeling as other people and the world is the reason, the source of my unhappiness. I blame “them” in my head in these moments, believing that it is because of them and the way they act that I cannot feel free and happy within myself. I know that all of this is bullshit, but then – when my body is taken over by this wave of depression that is what I feel and it is real. I am so lucky to have worked so much with myself and learned how to realise when I live in my mind – the problem finding (and solving) tool – so that I can realise that what I am experiencing in the moment isn’t real – even though it is so fucking real. I often have to tell Adrian in the middle of acting as my worst nightmare that I am not myself and I know that what I think is the reason to why I feel the way I feel is just an expression of what is going on inside of me, but in the moment I can do nothing but surrender to the feeling and be ok with it, be aware of it in order to not act upon it.

So this is what has happened.

Last week I took the last dosage of sertraline – an antidepressant I’ve been on for about nine years. I’ve been cutting down slowly slowly slowly since August 2017 to minimise these meltdowns and panick attacks to occur. The past three months has been great. I feel as if I have really got to know myself on a deeper level and I have learnt how to communicate and listen to my body. I have learnt that my body knows more about myself and the world than my brain could ever think up and the more I move my awareness down from my mind into my body I feel calm, centred, connected to something bigger and I feel as if I from there also can see people.

When I used to live all up in my mind I was too absorbed in how things should be and how people should act that I didn’t see the people behind the people that I met in my day. I only saw them when they were doing things or living life the “wrong” way, according to myself. People who live all up in their minds, myself included, tend to expect only perfection of the rest of the people of the planet and if they slip up we snap at them and let them know “whats what”. In order to avoid this many people put on masks and live inauthentic to who they really are. We come up with social rules so that we don’t have to think about how we should act in order for people to accept us – and slowly but surely we forget who we truly are and become a society shaped being who have forgotten how to listen in. We only hear our thoughts and rules. We search for all the answers out there, in the world – as if someone else can tell you what your body is trying to communicate with you. We numb our emotions, feelings, chemical messages with all these drugs, pain killers etc and we have stopped believing that the body actually can communicate with us. We brush that off as mumbo jumbo whilst we wonder why we have acid reflux and shove some pills down that might temporarily soothe the acid reflux for a day. Alternatively we could do it the mumbo jumbo way and ask our bodies what it is trying to communicate through that acid reflux – could it be something we do on a regular basis that might not be of favour for our stomachs? We have completely surrendered our bodies to the modern world and we seem to think that we can put all these chemically and hormone pumped food into it, pump it full of sugar and other inflammation inhibiting substances and then get a shock when we actually feel sick or lethargic.

We step into the roles of victims and think that this state of mind we end up in, or whatever happens to our body happens out of the blue and we take no responsibility for it. Instead we go to the doctors and say “why me?” and the doctors say “poor you, here take this and that for this and that” (not knowing (?) or ignoring (?) the chain reaction of side effects) and we go home with our new prescription and swallow it down with something that will definitely not soothe the acic reflux, but hey, we got a pill that will fix that now…

This is the way I have lived my life up until a few years ago when I actually started to believe in the fact that my body is not just a stupid… body. It is alive and it is essentially natural. I started to ask myself what would happen to any other animal if we started to feed them what we feed ourselves and our children and it is just so obvious that they would get sick and probably live shorter and less happy lives – because it is not what they are “supposed to” eat. Imagine giving your dog or cat ibuprofen or whatever, on a regular basis. That just seems so stupid, yet we do it to ourselves.

I wonder what would happen if you took two identical twins and taught one how to listen and live in a relationship to her body and the other one to live by the truths of today, with no faith in her body and soul and just feed it through the mind and what all the authorities tell us is right. The outcome is so clear to me.

So, I’ve gone off my pills and the after waves are making me question my whole existence from time to time but with every meltdown I learn something new about myself and the world and even though I feel like dying for a couple of hours with each meltdown I am actually not afraid of them anymore. In the times of panic and darkness I always seem to find the questions I need to be asking myself.

When the power of choice get thrown back in your face

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I do believe in the power of choice. I’ve said it a million times. That you can choose happiness. I’ve believed it even when I didn’t know how. I’ve believed it even when I haven’t believed it.

When I’m frustrated, feeling down or angry and someone tells me to choose, I feel like I sometimes have to choose anger. Or sadness. I don’t know how to choose happiness, in that moment.

Is it true that you have to feel sadness sometimes, in order to be able to feel happiness? Or is it just what society wants us to think? I feel like I always have to choose happiness, because that is what I’m all about. But sometimes it feels kind of nice to be angry, relieving to cry and easy to just be a bit down. I think that I need all of my emotions at some point, but the challenge is to also know how to snap out of it. It can be easy to be stuck there I mean. If you know how to let out your emotions, turn the tap on, but then have the power to say “enough”, that’s the key to choosing.

When someone tells me to choose in a moment of anger or sadness I feel like punching myself and that person in the face at the same time, although I know this is what I believe. What if I want to choose anger. What if I need to choose anger? Then I will do it. I will be angry and sad, so that after that I can genuinely choose happiness again.

Earned love is not love

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You know that feeling when you always try to be involved with everything that happens around you. And when you are scared of missing out of all the fun stuff. FOMO I think it’s called. It’s in the dictionary. I’m pretty sure of that.

Throughout my whole life I have tried not to miss out. On anything. That in it self create a lot of stress. I feel like I have to do everything. I have to go to all the parties, I have to go to all the workouts, I have to go to all the dinners, I have to do what people ask me to do, because if I’m not there, will they still love me?

That’s a bit dramatic, but that’s often how I feel. Like I have to be at all these places and “perform” for people to see me. Love me.

I recon that this ties down to a lack of trust, self-love and confidence. Because if I had all of that, the trust in other people, the self-love and the confidence I should know that people don’t love me for what I do or where I am. I would understand that those who love me would love me wherever I am, and those who don’t, will not love me more if I do everything to please them, do what they want. They will use me, and use my insecurity, and because I think that that’s love, that them depending on me is love, my whole world will get twisted. I’ll keep thinking that I have to do and be places to deserve their love. My beliefs and self-respect will get twisted.

I cannot learn how to love and respect myself fully if I don’t stop doing things because I’m afraid of people not liking me if I don’t do them. I cannot understand what it really means to be secure in myself unless I stop listening to the voice that tells me that I have to do this or that to deserve love. When I put an end to that, and when I start doing things for me, without contemplating what others might think of me, then I can start respecting myself and understand that love isn’t something you earn. Love just is.

overthinking.

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I’m an analyser. Or most would probably put me in the category of an over-thinker. I make up stories. I fear. I feel guilt. But in my over-analysing I usually end up at the same answer; If I’ve done things right and if I feel like something is aligned with what for me feels good, then all the stories and paranoia is worthless. But the way of getting there, to that conclusion, can be stressful, painful and often I loose a bit of confidence along the way. I beat myself down you know, and even if I recover, the memory of being beaten remains.

I catch myself in this process now. The process of having to justify having a coffee (because I haven’t had one since five days ago and today I felt like one, so I bought one, but I still don’t want to start to drink coffee on a regular basis, so I have to keep it to less than three per week, but today I had one coffee because I felt tired and I had to work and I wanted to be buzzing at work, but I cant have coffee every time I work, and I wont, but I had one today and that’s fine. If It stays with today, it’s fine). That’s how my mind goes off when I feel like I have to justify things.

It’s like, who actually cares? I don’t really care, but my brain seems to make such a big deal out of all small things like being tired, and hungry. It’s the two most simple states to fix in the universe. And the worst thing that can happen is just that I’ll be a little tired one day, or I’ll be a little hungry for a couple of hours, max.

My brain over analyse so many shit-things in my life that my energy towards that could fuel a whole nuclear site. But At least I’m catching myself doing it now, and I laugh at it. At myself, because that’s healthy, and that’s how you grow. You see a pattern, and if you don’t like it, you acknowledge it and interrupt it. Change focus.

Today I’m changing focus, and I’ll go with my gut, and live with my heart, and laugh at my brain. With love of course.

When in doubt

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The last few weeks, I’ve made a few huge changes in my attitude towards life. Some might think that it’s only a matter of time before I go all extreme again, because that’s what I do. But I don’t. Something snapped for me in Stockholm. And I’m ready to live to the fullest of my potential. In that being said, of course my past extreme living thoughts and rules are sometimes playing up in my head. I’ve got those voices telling me I’m no one without constantly being that person my rules made me. I’m no one if I don’t work out constantly. The thing is, I worked out like crazy, which was the only way that I new in order to find peace of mind, and so that I could eat and not get fat, but even doing what I was doing I constantly felt that I could/should do more. Eat less. I always felt guilty eating even when I had had a huge workout. Crazy how the brain work. You give an inch and it takes a mile. All the damn time. Never satisfied.

 I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look

I do find myself in those thought patterns sometimes. I think I should do this so that I can enjoy that… But then I stop myself, I catch myself in those thoughts and say to my brain that I have to do nothing in order to deserve food and love. Nothing. I find myself comparing me towards others. I see their beauty and I struggle to see my own, and then I stop myself. It’s ridiculous. It’s such a vain struggle I’m fighting. Even though I know that deep, deep down it’s probably not about looks, and that I don’t have to compliment my own look in order to find self-love. I have to see the beauty inside, and that’s where the solution is. The love. I know I’ve got a good heart. And I have a lot of love to give. A lot.  I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look. That’s not who I am. And not who I want to be.

It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows

So with so many big changes coming so fast, of course there are times of struggle, times of not a hundred percent optimism and giggles. But I’ve learnt now that it’s what you focus on that gets bigger. It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows. And the thing that you don’t give any attention, not give into, that slowly fades. Get smaller. Less important.

I focus on love. People. Happiness. Health. Peace of mind. That’s what I want to nourish. That’s what I want to grow. So that’s where my focus is at.

I trust future me

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One of the biggest stress factors in my life is me stressing about the future. Not in a “what if I’ll be struggling in 15 years” way. I stress about the near future. I have something I need to do Friday for example, then my brain rush through heaps of different scenarios, thinking what could go wrong; I start to plan everything in detail, from breakfast to dinner on that day to make everything work smooth… What I don’t realise is that I create so much stress for myself, planning and creating stories.

The unexpected can actually be something I could enjoy

When Friday comes, everything just works out smoothly. The only thing that might make me stressed on the day would be if I tried to stick to the plan that I made up in my head days before. That I created in a stressed state of mind. If I would just go with the flow of the day, stress would be non-excising, and I could instead enjoy the beauty of the day. I could see things. Be spontaneous. Enjoy the unexpected. The unexpected can actually be something I could enjoy. Crazy. The unexpected usually freaks me out. What if. What if. what if. Yes, what if? The world will not end. Worst case I’ll experience something new that I don’t love. But then I’ve learnt that. That I don’t love this. It’s like I think that the unexpected could take me to palaces that I have no idea how to get back from. It could lure me away from my life. My plan.

I think that present me is the idiot in this scenario

In the end it’s just present me, not trusting future me. Present me thinks that it has to plan everything for future me, because she might be stupid and totally uncoordinated. Instead of just focusing on everything present me can focus on in the present moment, Present me live in the future hypothetical moment, and when the future come, there will be another hypothetical experience that present me thinks future me will be too stupid to handle. I don’t know about you, but I think that present me is the idiot in this scenario. Because she is missing out of the beauty of life. When it happens.

I just have to trust that when things happen, good and bad, I will act to the best of my ability then. I won’t become an idiot over a day. I can’t stress about what is about to happen, or what could happen or what could’ve happened, now. It’s pointless. It is. What I can do now, is the only thing I want to focus on. Future me will deal with the rest of my life. I trust her. She cool.

Back to work after a holiday

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Studio PP, Melbourne

It’s always a bit weird to get back into normal routines after a long holiday. You go from not having to do anything, be anywhere on the other side of the world into having to be somewhere. Having to be where you were before. I’m super lucky to have a job where I’m surrounded by people that is also my friends. I laugh a lot at work. I can do handstands, and be in comfortable clothes and try to make as many people as possible happy. I’m lucky in that way.

Like I’ve said Sweden changed me. I now feel more relaxed, less stressed with my body and diet; I just want to do what’s best for my body and not listen to my brain when it tries to tell me that I have to work out three times a day and eat no carbs. Sweden changed my relationship with my brain.

I try to catch myself in the thinking process and ask if I can instead just find peace in this situation

When I got back to work, instead of wakening up old habits of constantly thinking about what time my brake is, when I can eat next, how hungry I am, if I’m tired, why I’m tired, do I need a coffee, do I need a tea… I was constantly thinking about what external things I needed in order to be content and satisfied. Instead of falling back into that stressed thinking pattern I try to catch myself in the thinking process and ask if I can instead just find peace in this situation? Can I just be happy with being a little tired? Maybe a little hungry? I will never starve. Instead of thinking “if only this, then I could be happy” I think that this is what I’ve got right now, how can I be peaceful and happy here, now.

In the end, life happens. We can choose, in every situation in life, to be at peace with the situation, or we can stress and still not change the situation. So far, choosing to be in peace with what I’ve got here and now has been the winning option, without a single exception.

The change from inside

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I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

Buried with guilt

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For people who have high expectations on themselves, and who live with the belief that other people expect a lot from them, guilt can be a very present feeling. I, myself, experience feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It’s not as bad as it used to be. I think I was born feeling guilty. When I used to unload the dishwasher I could feel so guilty for the glasses I didn’t use as much as the other ones. I apologised to them and tried to make sure that the unused ones ended up in the front of the cabinet. I couldn’t and still cannot bear to lie to people. That guilt can bury me alive.

What can you do with those shitty feelings of guilt? They don’t do any good. No one benefits from them, because they don’t change anything. Guilt is usually about what has happened, therefore feelings of guilt is about the past. The past you cannot change. I suppose guilt can be present in the now, and you can also feel guilty about something that is about to happen, but the emotion is not changing the reality. It’s useless.

I usually feel guilty about the past. About shit I have no control over today. It ties up with forgiveness I believe. If I can forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past the guilt should disappear. I have to forgive myself for not living up to all my own and others expectations. It’s ok. Life happens. If I constantly live my life with guilt, I’m not living in the moment, in the now, and that’s not a life I want to live.

Forgiveness is something I need to work on. I need to understand that things people do has nothing to do with me, even if it can feel quite personal sometimes. I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I have to celebrate the fact that I’m not perfect. Because that would be boring as fuck. If I can celebrate me not being perfect, then I can understand that other people aren’t perfect, and then we can celebrate together. We can be free together. Love together.

Peace of mind

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When you have nowhere you have to be, but here. And nothing you have to do, but what you are doing right now. When you can be at ease with what is happening. When nothing happens to you, but for you. When you are not constantly the centre of your focus. I’ve found that my search for happiness and the perfect me have made me very self cantered. It’s me me me. What makes me happy, what makes me tired, what makes me sad, what do I want to do. And of course, those are important questions, but not to the point where they are in focus 100% of your awaken time. The world doesn’t circle around me, and life is not ever happy when you are constantly turned inside. Happiness is when you are in sync with what is happening around you, and you have a peace of mind in every situation.

When I constantly think about what others will think of me, how other people see me, if they approve of me, I bring everything back to me. Me me me. And it’s not all about me. That’s a paranoid way of living. It can drive anyone crazy. What if I instead, turned my focus on meeting others, connecting, without expecting anything from them, and without needing anything from them? Just connecting. Weather the connection is pleasant or unpleasant doesn’t matter, it all teaches you something about yourself and others. And I can meet every person with a peace of mind. What if I could live in this world and just be at ease with myself and my brain, what could I achieve? If I didn’t plan my whole life in advance. So that the world had to fit into my plan. Me me me. What if I just did, without planning. And with peace of mind.

Peace of mind is when you do whatever you do, without constantly thinking what is next. What would life be like if you never had to be anywhere but where you are? And where you are isn’t all about you, it’s about everyone…