Tag Archives: choose happiness

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I’m breaking up with my ego

I’ve started to untangle this thing called ego and I realised that I haven’t quite identified my dedicated life companion. As I sat down to research what the ego actually is I came across this article that explained it in a way that really resonated with me (linked below). I felt as if allowed me to hold my ego in front of me and actually see what it was. The ego is everything that we believe that we are. It is our whole belief structure.

My ego is what makes me insecure in certain situations; it is it what compares who I am and what I look like with others. It is the belief that if what I do isn’t perfect – it is worth nothing. Bullshit, right?

All egos work in different ways; it has made up different stories about who we are and have to be in society. My ego need to be liked, it cares about what people think of me more than it cares about what I think of me.

My ego tells me that I cannot do what other people can do, and if I can it let me know that there are many people out there that can do what I want to do and love to do better than me. It also tries to constantly make me feel as if I am not liked, as if people doesn’t really want to be around me, as if I’m in the way. Another interesting craving my ego plants in my mind is that I need to tweak my brain to fit in and become a better and more likable human and for that it reaches for drugs like alcohol, coffee and other chemicals. It is telling me that I will become a better person or have a better time if I only…. escape the present moment, tweak it or at least blurr it a little.

My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me

My ego tells me that if things aren’t now they never will be and people will always think of me in the same way. But when I think about it that doesn’t make sense at all. My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me as someone weak, silly, annoying and lost; but all people cannot have the same opinion of me, so that must be my ego telling me stories that I naively believe. What I believe that people think of me is just my ego telling me that that’s the truth when in fact there are as many individual opinions of me as there are people I’ve met and no matter how many opinions there are of me – only the authentic me know if they are true to me or not. My ego then want to justify to the world why I am who I am and make people understand me, but the authentic me have no interest in that. My authentic self is calm and need no justification.

And, my ego once made me believe that I was never going to love myself because there was nothing to love, that I was always going to feel lost, always going to feel wrong and never going to find a calm and purpose within. It also told me that I was never going to be loved, but now I am. And, I do love myself. I know that I only want love for everyone in this world. I want the best for everyone whatever that may look like for them, and that is something worth loving. I do feel lost sometimes, but when I look within and connect to what my authentic self want to be and achieve in life I feel on track and safe again because then I am connected to my inner calm and purpose.

The ego might make you think that everything will always be the same but there is also a contrasting source within you that is trying to make you live beyond the structures of the ego. Every time that source reaches beyond the egos limitations you realise that those beliefs were false. Isn’t that reason enough to question everything you think and believe about who you are and what you are capable of?

My ego works hard to try to make me believe that what I truly want to achieve I cannot. Looking back at how many times I have proved my ego wrong I will now attempt to distance myself even further from my own personal limit and doubt maker and just do what the real me wants and needs to do.

Want to read more? here is the article I found (or it found me?)  http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2013/02/26/what-is-the-ego/

Confident people live with love

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My whole life I have lived trying to be myself, which to me means that I have lived my life doing what I enjoy. Being yourself to me means that you can express your thoughts and spending your time the way you want to without caring about the consequences. My struggle have been that I at the same time tried my best to be accepted of different people. I wanted people to like me so much that I was willing to sacrifice parts of me in order to get accepted. I did things that I thought I needed to do to fit into certain groups and I talked about what I thought was appropriate to talk about in these groups. My question to myself is; why did I care about what other people thought of me when I didn’t find what they cared about important at all? Why did I spend so much time trying to fit in to a group that didn’t care about anything I cared about? I simply don’t understand why I wanted to be liked and approved by them?

I just didn’t trust in my own ability to live my life. I thought that I needed to be more like other people to get anywhere in life. I didn’t believe in me, and that’s super sad.

What is it in our brains that make us try to be someone we are not just to be approved by groups of people that might not have the same values as us? I don’t know. I just know that my mission is to to make people understand that it is a waste of your time and life trying to please other people. I realized as soon as I stopped focusing on trying to be somebody that I thought that other people wanted me to be and trying to be more who I wanted to be things slowly started to get clearer for me.

You know how people tell you to listen to yourself, what you want and what you need, I believe that you cannot listen in to yourself if you are to busy trying to listen into what other people are doing. You have to stop comparing, get rid of all your made up expectations, be still and just trust that you are good enough with your own way of living. If somebody freezes you out or can’t stand you f you are not doing what they want you to do it is only because they needed you to confirm that what they were doing was right, and if you don’t do it their way then that makes them feel lost.

Confident people can see and value other peoples individuality. They don’t listen to what other people say is right or wrong. Confident people never tell other people to make them self smaller in order to fit in in. I believe that confident people hang out with people that live with love and happiness and see freedom in life. And that’s all I want. Freedom and love.

Self love

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That’s where it all starts. That’s where and when all the magic happens. When you love yourself you can start loving others and the world around you, for real. I get that now. I get that when you love yourself you defend yourself – that’s what standing up for yourself mean to me. You know when you talk you down, and you can stop and call bullshit. Or when someone comes with a truth that you don’t agree with, and you speak your mind, instead of just follow orders. That is standing up for yourself, to me.

Self love is when you nurse your own body like it was your child’s. It’s when you listen to its needs of sleep, nutrition, movements and love.

Self love to me is when you have a dream or a goal you desire to achieve and you believe in you and you do everything you need to do in order to get there. That is self love to me; when you believe in you.

Self love to me is when you just are and you are happy with that. You don’t always “have to be…” to be happy. That is peace of mind calling, and when you love yourself; that’s exactly what you will find.

Self love to me is doing things, using your inner strengths, whatever they may be, and not settling for the safe and the known, because you trust in your ability to do whatever you need, want and aspire to do.

Self love to me is looking at the whole picture, admire the whole picture and understand that the image doesn’t end with the frames.

The real world is fun!

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I’m done spending time doing stuff that I don’t genuinely love. That’s how I feel. Most of the time I don’t do what I don’t want to do. Oh my god. Life is life. It’s happening now. How does one live in a world with all these musts and shoulds without participating in it, but still be apart of the love? “That’s just the way it is” I hear often. “Welcome to the real world”. The “real world” in these quotes is often referred to as a world where one has to have the 40-hour work week-package. That’s not my real world. In my real world I want to be excited for the endless options I have. I want to be out in the sun, breath the fresh air. I want to lie under the palm trees with a book or a podcast in my ears not worrying about must and shoulds. In my real world work is a part of me, and every part of me is chosen, fun and exciting. Every part of me is vibrating with interest for all of what the world has got to offer. That’s the world I want to live in. I choose to have a fun life, because that’s what I dreamed of when I was a child. And when I was a child that’s what “the real world” was all about. And for me I haven’t let go of that vision. The real world has endless fun to offer. I choose to chase it.

I’m turning into a hippie, thank god!

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Something happens when you start loving yourself. You care. It’s like all the “whatevers” and “why not’s” turns into questions of why. Why should I do this to myself? Why expose myself to this? And why not do that, if it makes me happy and healthy?

I want to see the love in the world. I want to see health and happiness. I want people to appreciate living and see that they can do whatever they want to do with their lives. I want people to hug and laugh. Forget about stress. Forget about musts. Because most of the time, they are just made up. They are because they are, but they don’t have to be.

Everything I do in my life I do because I want to be happy. I want to explore all the methods I can use in order to elevate my happiness and find peace of mind. I’ve recently started to explore the power of the breath. Joe Rogan had Wim Hof “Iceman Hof” as a guest on his podcast a couple of weeks ago, and listening to what he has achieved with just his breath and exposure to cold is mind-fucking-blowing. I’m talking controlling his immune system, running a barefoot marathon above the polar circle and climbing Mount Everest in his undies. I started to take cold showers maybe 6 months ago and I could really experience all the amazing benefits from it quickly. The energy boost, clearness in my mind and happiness are just a few sensations I feel when exposing myself to the cold water. Wim Hof combines cold therapy with a breathing technique which essentially provides all your cells with oxygen which allows you to really get in contacts with your inner strength and emotional being.

It makes me so happy and full of hope finding out and learning new methods to control and explore my happiness and health. I get excited to breathe. I’ll keep exploring ways that can help me boost my happiness and my love for life. And sharing what I learn make me happy.

Happiness, Beauty and the sky

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I just want to be happy. That’s all I want. And I am happy, most of the times. Happiness to me isn’t always about laughing and smiling; it’s about some sort of deeper content-ness. It’s about feeling that I’m making the best of my life. Happiness is accepting what I have here and now and at the same time working on creating the best possible future. This is all an balancing act. How do I know that I’m doing enough in the moment so that I can be content in the future?

It’s the same with my body. I just want to be happy with it, without obsess. I want to live an easy life without pushing myself too hard. I want to carry myself with pride. I don’t want to count every calorie that goes in and out of my body. I just want to live. I just want to be happy. Some people live for a sport and fitness is so important to maintain a certain physic level to make the team. For me I want fitness to be about happiness. That’s why I cannot over or under do it. When I need to work out every day I feel useless if I haven’t pushed my body hard enough, and if I don’t do anything at all I feel… slow and a bit sluggish.

I work out to feel good, but it’s also a superficial thing. I want to look good.

Why does body image matter so much to me? I mean, is it this mind occupying for everyone? I feel like I have changes though. It’s not that overwhelming anymore. It doesn’t occupy my mind all the time. “What does my body look like in this angle?”

I actually feel pretty relaxed in my body at the moment, finally. Even if I’m not one hundred percent happy with every inch of it all the time, I can still live with myself without stressing too much over it. I can laugh at what I’m not happy with, and I can joke and take a joke without panic, which is kind of new. If anyone joked with me about my body fat or eating a couple of months ago I would feel sick, ugly and fat, but now I can take a joke and laugh at myself. That’s worth celebrating I think. I thought that the world had to change and stop making jokes, but it turned out that I could change and take a joke. And I love me for getting to that point.

It’s like this Caroline Mchugh said on a ted talk; Even in the stormiest of days the sky is bright blue underneath. Sometimes the sky is beautiful, creating rainbows, and sometimes it’s gray and gloomy. The sky can see the impermanence of the clouds and the rainbow. We need, like the sky find a state of mind where we can realize that behind all the temporary clouds and rainbows there is something still, and that is you. Because you are like the sky, always bright blue underneath, no matter what you might look like one day or what you might be surrounded by on another. You are you, like the sky is the sky. Always.

Body image

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What a thing that is really, body image. How controlling it can be. I’m in one of those weeks where I feel like I’ve put on 10kgs and a couple of extra cheeks and it really messes with my whole approach on life. What I’m trying to do now is actually realize that even if I would have put on some weight it’s not the end of the world. I’ve got a battle going on in my head between my inner critic who tells me that I’m fat and probably shouldn’t enjoy life as much and my free spirit who says that as long as I take care of my body and mind I should be proud of every part of my body. And I really want to be. Proud.

When I think about it I am actually so grateful for my body and all that it does for me. When I was younger I only felt hate towards my body. Today I feel love, but I also criticise myself and my body, a lot. I feel like I’m that parent who just want my kids to succeed, and I’ll push them so hard I forget that they are just kids that want to have fun. I push them, and only the best is good enough. That’s how I feel with my body. I want it to be the best, and sometimes I find it hard to just approve of it just as is and love it for who it is.

One good thing is that when I now feel love for my body, I want my body to be the best potential I take care of it so much better than I did when hate was all I felt. I make sure that I nourish it. I make sure I get all the right nutrition. I make sure I calm my mind. I make sure I’ll exercise in moderation. So for me to now feel like a blowfish and still feel ok; that’s kind of a big achievement. I realize that it’s more important to have a fun life than care about a few extra kegs. Body image control many people’s lives. Even ruins a few. I don’t want to look back at my life and realize that the reason that I couldn’t enjoy life was because I thought that I looked 2kgs heavier than I would have hoped. I would be so mad at me, for being so shallow, vain and naïve. I just want to live life. An exciting life. With no restriction. Just happiness and love. For myself and the world.

My shit writing is going to get better

maya

I know that my writing isn’t perfect in any way, except in my own way. I use the wrong words, my grammar is nowhere even close to perfect and there are a lot of things I could do better. Like going through my posts before I upload them to avoid printing mistakes, to name one. But I’m semi lazy and I lean back on the fact that this blog is mine, and I like imperfection. I embrace imperfection. I don’t care about grammar as long as I get the core message across. The reality is though, that other people do. I know so many grammar-polices out there who get physically frustrated when a sentence is a bit off, or when you add or forget an “s” somewhere. Who express hate to the miss-use of the language. Each to their own I say.

Some of my goals are to be able to write for a living, and create a book. Maybe two? And I realized, when I recently got the feedback on my writing that my shit-grammar actually is a bit of a problem if writing is what I’m aiming for, that I cant hide behind my open love for imperfection all my life. I love imperfection because it is easy and I don’t have to put in time to learn the rules of the English grammar. I thought for a couple of seconds after I received that feedback that maybe writing isn’t for me, but at least I tried. Then I stopped myself. Because I do love it – creating stories with words. I’m just too scared to fail and to lazy to learn. As most of you probably have realized by now; grammar wasn’t my favorite subject in school. I realized that if I want to keep writing and achieve my goals with writing as a profession I have some work to do, and I realized that I actually want to do it. I want to learn because I want to get better because in the end; I love to write, and I want to write.

Sometimes I like to take the easy way out, I don’t want to put in the hard work, but when it’s something that will bring me closer to my passion, why would I even consider not trying to get better?

Five minutes after I received the constructive feedback that hit my stomach like a space-stone and made me doubt my passion, I signed up for an English language semester at a university, because fuck it. Because why not?

Set backs and challenges are amazing in a way, because they make you re-consider if what you are doing, why you are doing it, and if what you are working towards actually is what you want to do with your life. It make you question your “why” and force you to either give up or leave the space of feeling sorry for yourself and take you into the space of “bring it on, I’m going to do what it takes to achieve what I want.” Ant that shift my friends, that’s kind of a cool feeling.

The part of me I leave behind

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Forever I have identified myself with my past. I’ve been proud to have been through so many emotional struggles. I’ve been grateful for what life has taught me even though I remember how much I hated parts of my life in the moments. I look back at my life and I feel for myself, and I wish that I could rewind the clock and share with me what I now know. And in one way I can. I can share what I know by listening to the lessons life has taught me, and act with that knowledge, use that knowledge as I keep on walking through life. Because I owe it to my younger self.

As I sat on the tram, going to work I was facing the back of the tram. I saw the path we had been traveling on, leaving it behind and I realised that those moments disappear as the second I leave them behind. Every second I leave time of me behind, parts of me behind, to history. My history. As much as I know that I need to focus on the road ahead and not get tangled up and analyse or over-analyse what’s left in the past I realized that in every second of my life, our lives, we create a moment we will leave behind only to remember. I look at the road I’ve been traveling on and hope that I can learn from the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve been taught and look back and see all these moments and use them to be proud on my journey forward. I’m done making myself smaller to fit in. I’m done talking myself down and apologizing for who I am and what I want to do and choose to do with my life. I’m proud as I walk forward through my life. I have to be, because I owe that to my future self.