Ever since we got back from our holidays, Me from first two weeks in Sweden and then another two weeks in NYC with Adrian, friends and family, I’ve been feeling more down than up. It’s like I am not really settled in my life, I’m restless. I do what I do but there is a lack of joy and engagement and I am having a real hard time just being in the moment without constantly worrying or thinking or planning what’s next. I wonder if it is because of the fact (and I hope it is) that I have started to cut down even more on my antidepressants? I take it slow and it is so frustrating to do something without feeling any kind of reward from it. It’s like I’m peddling water. Like I’m standing still and all I want to do is just jump up and down and be involved in my life.
In Sweden I felt absolutely fantastic. I had been sick for a month, I think it was from cutting down – apparently you can get physically sick, like the flue, from cutting down, who knew that? Honestly, I had all the symptoms; nausea, cough, temperature, blocked sinuses, panik anxiety etc, etc. It was like ‘it’ moved around in my body and settled down at a new place every day. I literally got well again on the flight over to Stockholm, which is another reason to why I think it was a mental reaction gone physical, and well there I felt so perfectly balanced. I didn’t stress over small shitty things that I let take control over me now and I didn’t constantly over think and analyse every single decision I made. I didn’t plan every minute of every day and I tried to make sure to be where I was and with whom I was with
So comes NYC and I managed to bring that flow into this jack-hammering-city everyone loves, for a while. Sometime after the amazingwedding in Connecticut, where we got a break from the jack hammers and flashing signs, I somehow threw myself out of my own balanced flow and I haven’t really been able to settle down with myself since.
I am stressing a lot about the small and the big stuff at the moment – which simply needs to stop because stressing and worrying is the opposite to living. I stress about money because I want to be able to plan trips to Sweden without having to let the bank decide for me – at the same time I am not willing to sacrifice my freedom of living a hippie-life with not too many musts – unbalance. I have to accept that trying to discover and engage in a life I love it is going to be a little work since I’m not quite sure what that would look like, yet. I am testing different ways and I know that I will stumble across something I love soon enough, I’m just not patient enough.
I have all these forces inside of me that all want different things – a lot of them contradict each other;
I want money but I refuse to do work I don’t enjoy. I want to feel like I am good enough and I want to feel like the life I live is amazing but I often find myself comparing my life to other peoples lives, thinking they’ve got it all sorted because I see what people are up to. I think that because peoples lives are scheduled they’ve succeeded. I am not super busy by normal western standards, and my mind thinks that because I am not busy every hour of the day I am useless and not worth much. But when I am busy I am not happy. When I have a job to go to I get really bad anxiety, almost panic; it is like my organs forget how to support me and I feel like I have to give up and quit. If I’m not aware I could easily pull my own hair out in panic. I am starting to believe that I not really made for the calendar life. Then my question to myself is; Am I just a pussy? Have everybody got screaming anxiety when they “have to” be somewhere? I feel like such a failure when I wake up to a mood and emotions that just hammer me with complete resignation.
Theoretically I know that I am very lucky – I really am! But why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I be in it? Why have I got such a hard time just living and enjoying it? (I really hope this is just my anti-depressants numbing…the real me. And as soon as I am done with this shit it wont be such a struggle just to land and be present in a moment).
I get it down to the fact that my mind is caught up in the doing and I am trying to find a way towards the being, that’s the mission I am on. I want to explore, enjoy and experience but at the moment I do too much planning, thinking and worrying.
I have to stop planning and start feeling, stop worrying and start living, stop expecting and just fucking be a part of my own life.