Tag Archives: confidence

I’m breaking up with my ego

I’ve started to untangle this thing called ego and I realised that I haven’t quite identified my dedicated life companion. As I sat down to research what the ego actually is I came across this article that explained it in a way that really resonated with me (linked below). I felt as if allowed me to hold my ego in front of me and actually see what it was. The ego is everything that we believe that we are. It is our whole belief structure.

My ego is what makes me insecure in certain situations; it is it what compares who I am and what I look like with others. It is the belief that if what I do isn’t perfect – it is worth nothing. Bullshit, right?

All egos work in different ways; it has made up different stories about who we are and have to be in society. My ego need to be liked, it cares about what people think of me more than it cares about what I think of me.

My ego tells me that I cannot do what other people can do, and if I can it let me know that there are many people out there that can do what I want to do and love to do better than me. It also tries to constantly make me feel as if I am not liked, as if people doesn’t really want to be around me, as if I’m in the way. Another interesting craving my ego plants in my mind is that I need to tweak my brain to fit in and become a better and more likable human and for that it reaches for drugs like alcohol, coffee and other chemicals. It is telling me that I will become a better person or have a better time if I only…. escape the present moment, tweak it or at least blurr it a little.

My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me

My ego tells me that if things aren’t now they never will be and people will always think of me in the same way. But when I think about it that doesn’t make sense at all. My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me as someone weak, silly, annoying and lost; but all people cannot have the same opinion of me, so that must be my ego telling me stories that I naively believe. What I believe that people think of me is just my ego telling me that that’s the truth when in fact there are as many individual opinions of me as there are people I’ve met and no matter how many opinions there are of me – only the authentic me know if they are true to me or not. My ego then want to justify to the world why I am who I am and make people understand me, but the authentic me have no interest in that. My authentic self is calm and need no justification.

And, my ego once made me believe that I was never going to love myself because there was nothing to love, that I was always going to feel lost, always going to feel wrong and never going to find a calm and purpose within. It also told me that I was never going to be loved, but now I am. And, I do love myself. I know that I only want love for everyone in this world. I want the best for everyone whatever that may look like for them, and that is something worth loving. I do feel lost sometimes, but when I look within and connect to what my authentic self want to be and achieve in life I feel on track and safe again because then I am connected to my inner calm and purpose.

The ego might make you think that everything will always be the same but there is also a contrasting source within you that is trying to make you live beyond the structures of the ego. Every time that source reaches beyond the egos limitations you realise that those beliefs were false. Isn’t that reason enough to question everything you think and believe about who you are and what you are capable of?

My ego works hard to try to make me believe that what I truly want to achieve I cannot. Looking back at how many times I have proved my ego wrong I will now attempt to distance myself even further from my own personal limit and doubt maker and just do what the real me wants and needs to do.

Want to read more? here is the article I found (or it found me?)  http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2013/02/26/what-is-the-ego/

I’m better than I portray myself, are you?

IMG_0312

When something challenges me to get outside of my comfort zone or when someone challenges me, I get a knot in my stomach, or a bit above it. A solar plexus knot. I’m not talking about challenges like “chug a liter of milk” or “run a marathon”. I’m talking about the challenges where I have to prove what I’m capable of doing. Like going for a new job, taking on a new task and I have to put in a piece of me into a project.

That feeling has made me crumble, more than once. My inner critic tells me that I will crumble, that I won’t be able to perform and that I’m not good enough at what I do. I have doubt.

I then realize, that I’m actually so much better than I portray myself. I keep making myself smaller than I am, to fit in. I talk myself down because I think that it’s classy to know your faults and to be aware of what you aren’t good at. And it probably is good to know what you need to work on, but when I focus too much on what I need to work on I start to only see what I’m lacking. I totally miss what I’m actually brilliant at. I forget what an asset I can be, and I feel insecure. I feel safe when I know that people know that I already know what I’m not brilliant at. And I’m scared that they won’t see what I see the things that I’m good at. I’m scared that people will think that I’m stupid. Really, that’s it.

So often I hear people say, “don’t care about what other people think of you” and I think and believe that I actually don’t care. I am loud, and I am honest, I say what I think without trying to please others constantly, I can laugh at myself and I am rarely ashamed of making mistakes. But just then I realized that there are other areas where I care so much that I’m scared to act. Like creating things for others, creating experiences for others, committing to something at work and believing that I can actually do this and talk confidently to what I’m doing and why I’m doing this. I care what others think of me so much I prefer not to do them. Because I’m scared. Scared of being looked upon as stupid.

But seriously, fuck them. I’m not going to get anywhere in life if I keep making myself smaller, talk myself down and being scared of failing. Who cares if someone were to actually think that I’m stupid? It wouldn’t actually make any difference to my life at all. It actually doesn’t matter. I’m tall, fun and smart, I’m good at what I’m interested in and I have a lot to give. No matter what other people think I am still going to be the same. It doesn’t change anything. So I’m going to do what I do with my head up high and with the confidence I owe myself and deserve. Because seriously, stupid would be not to.

 

 

Image

The part of me I leave behind

img_3561

Forever I have identified myself with my past. I’ve been proud to have been through so many emotional struggles. I’ve been grateful for what life has taught me even though I remember how much I hated parts of my life in the moments. I look back at my life and I feel for myself, and I wish that I could rewind the clock and share with me what I now know. And in one way I can. I can share what I know by listening to the lessons life has taught me, and act with that knowledge, use that knowledge as I keep on walking through life. Because I owe it to my younger self.

As I sat on the tram, going to work I was facing the back of the tram. I saw the path we had been traveling on, leaving it behind and I realised that those moments disappear as the second I leave them behind. Every second I leave time of me behind, parts of me behind, to history. My history. As much as I know that I need to focus on the road ahead and not get tangled up and analyse or over-analyse what’s left in the past I realized that in every second of my life, our lives, we create a moment we will leave behind only to remember. I look at the road I’ve been traveling on and hope that I can learn from the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve been taught and look back and see all these moments and use them to be proud on my journey forward. I’m done making myself smaller to fit in. I’m done talking myself down and apologizing for who I am and what I want to do and choose to do with my life. I’m proud as I walk forward through my life. I have to be, because I owe that to my future self.

Ready for a change

IMG_6044

I’m in an interesting place right now in my life, or interesting place in my brain. I feel like there will be a lot of changes to it soon, but quite what I’m not sure of. Yet. I mean, there is always changes, new obsessions, new knowledge, new opportunities. But I’ve got a feeling that soon there will be bigger changes. I feel curious, and maybe that is why I’ve got this feeling. A feeling of being ready to go where I want to go, wherever that is. Ready to cut some safety strings.

Being around my family and friends in Sweden I think that I got some confidence back. Not that I’ve really felt a lack of confidence before, but I feel like I now want to stick up for what I want to do, who I want to be and how I want to live my life in a different way. My whole life got questioned in Sweden, and now I feel like I finally am on a good track going ahead. I was running around in a roundabout and in Sweden I finally got the courage to pick an exit. Pick a path.

The thing is that I feel confident that I’ve chosen the right path, but I really don’t know where I’m going. I know my goals and I know who I’m choosing to be on this journey, but for me to get to my goals I have to commit and make a few changes in my life. And that’s where I’m standing right now. I’ve learnt this week that dreams will remain dreams if we don’t constantly take actions that will bring us closer to them. We can visualise our dreams and beg for them to come true every minute of the day, but in order for us to get there we also have to find an engine to move forwards. We need to find a drive. And the bigger the actions, the closer will I come.

I’ve got nothing to loose. Only lessons to learn and a dream to win

Now, my mind is open and I feel grateful that I’ve let go of some stories I’ve created for myself. Stories about what I had to do, and who I had to be. I’ve let go of stories of why I can’t do things. Why I need to be a certain person. I am open to changes, and that I haven’t really been for a while. I’ve been too safe. Now I’m experimenting with a few new thoughts, I’m feeling that I’m willing to make changes in my life, and that feels refreshing. I thought that staying in my safe place would make me feel safe and controlled, but I realise now that it just made me feel constantly scared of loosing what I had. Loosing the routines and my safety net. But now, when I don’t need all the rules and the routines, now when I’ve let the go, now when I’m open to change I don’t feel scared anymore. Because I’ve got nothing to loose. Only lessons to learn and a dream to win.

Earned love is not love

IMG_6309

You know that feeling when you always try to be involved with everything that happens around you. And when you are scared of missing out of all the fun stuff. FOMO I think it’s called. It’s in the dictionary. I’m pretty sure of that.

Throughout my whole life I have tried not to miss out. On anything. That in it self create a lot of stress. I feel like I have to do everything. I have to go to all the parties, I have to go to all the workouts, I have to go to all the dinners, I have to do what people ask me to do, because if I’m not there, will they still love me?

That’s a bit dramatic, but that’s often how I feel. Like I have to be at all these places and “perform” for people to see me. Love me.

I recon that this ties down to a lack of trust, self-love and confidence. Because if I had all of that, the trust in other people, the self-love and the confidence I should know that people don’t love me for what I do or where I am. I would understand that those who love me would love me wherever I am, and those who don’t, will not love me more if I do everything to please them, do what they want. They will use me, and use my insecurity, and because I think that that’s love, that them depending on me is love, my whole world will get twisted. I’ll keep thinking that I have to do and be places to deserve their love. My beliefs and self-respect will get twisted.

I cannot learn how to love and respect myself fully if I don’t stop doing things because I’m afraid of people not liking me if I don’t do them. I cannot understand what it really means to be secure in myself unless I stop listening to the voice that tells me that I have to do this or that to deserve love. When I put an end to that, and when I start doing things for me, without contemplating what others might think of me, then I can start respecting myself and understand that love isn’t something you earn. Love just is.