Tag Archives: creativity

Bring me back to life!

I’ve  gotten to a point where I finally have had enough of my own self pity and victimization. I have, too often, been feeling so sorry for myself in the past couple of months. The self pity have taken over and I have been depressed, I know that for sure now – because I now feel things (good things) I haven’t felt for a long long time. I’ve just become aware of the fact that things hasn’t been what I want them to be.

I know I repeatedly say to be accepting of whatever emotion you are living with in the present and just allow for it to be present in your body in order not to cause internal friction and frustration through wanting things to be other than what they are. I still believe that, to a point, but I also have become aware of the fact that I might have used that way of thinking and living to the point where feeling sad felt so much safer than feeling excited and tempted to go out and live, do and feel excited about life.

I got to a point where I had enough, and reaching that point might have come out of many different variables lining up: The medication should be out of my system by now and I am relearning my brain to rely on its own supplies, I took some time off and went to the country and cleansed my liver with herbs, countless saunas, cold showers and relaxing.

I haven’t been able to be as loving as I need to be in order to feel good about myself lately. I haven’t had any energy to give, and not being able to give and share myself happily have done the opposite of nourishing me and my soul. But I think it was necessary for me to cocoon for a while in order to support my body and mind so that I can be capable of sharing and giving love effortlessly and naturally like I know that I can do when I feel aligned and balanced.

The process of going off these pills also made me irritated with the world and the people around me, possibly because my body needed my full attention and with anyone who stepped inside of my space I felt subconsciously threatened or maybe my brain was just overloaded with chemicals and I simply just needed all my energy to calm my mind, who knows?

Either way I came to a point (here we go again) where I had enough and I got the strength to – actually –  slap myself in the face and snap out of my own self-pity. Every time I felt my body and energy going towards 1. Being irritated with a person or a phenomena 2. Feeling sorry for myself and/or helpless 3. Feeling stressed about the future and how I am not where I want to be in this moment I allowed me to slap myself in the face – just hard enough so that it was uncomfortable – so that I would keep myself from sliding down that dark spiral.

I also decided to boost myself a little and signed up for a one week gym class and I went up ridiculously early to lift weights and do burpees before the sun went up – just to kick start my newfound source of life. Last time I remember myself feeling alive like that was when I made sure I always put an alarmclock on for myself – not for anyone else. I realised that I need to start waking up to things I love.

Every time I feel my self esteem sink or my irritation arise I slap myself in the face and say; NO! I know it might sound harsh but it just happens to work for me, and I feel kind of silly doing it so often I giggle a little at myself because if someone would see me I would look as silly as I feel. And we all know that giggling alone is like velvet for the soul.

It felt so good doing good things for myself and holding myself accountable for creating good things with my energy and my life. My inspiration through this transition in life has been Caroline Myss whose words and teachings really hit home with me. If you are interested in understanding your body’s energy systems and exploring the vibrant world in and outside of yourself then you have a great teacher in Caroline Myss. I have just touched the surface of all of her teachings and luckily you can just google/youtube her and get access to so much of it.

How not to be your own shadow – fight!

I used to hurt myself in many different ways. Not just strictly physical, but also with actions. I drank too much without caring for my body, I talked myself down and starved my body. I had a need to feel and look sick so that I didn’t have to deal with what I was supposed to deal with – I had an excuse and that made my life easier in a way- but not happier, more exciting or more livable. And definitely not full of purpose and fulfillment.

Reading “The war of art” made me realize why I spent so many years fighting with myself; it is so much easier than fighting for myself. It was easier to make an excuse not to start writing and expressing myself through creativity and accepting my lack of talent than actually doing something that fulfilled me and expressed who I truly was and still am.

My excuses were many. On one hand I can think of: people will make fun of me and not understand what I am trying to do, I am not good enough at doing this, I should get a real career that will get me a steady income, writing and self expression is just a hobby, I will not reach anyone with my work – no one will like/enjoy/relate to it… the list can grow endlessly. There are so many fights I have to fight within to actually find the courage to do this shit anyway; there is not just the one fight. Excuses are much easier to come up with and fall back on, and you rarely risk anything by following their advice. But they never help you to become a better person.

WHY ME?

With every move I make towards getting my book out there I fight a million voices that tries to tell me why there is no point in proceeding and “wasting time” working on it. I fight those voices mentioned above but add to them any possible doubt and that is the forces that are trying to put me “back in place” and not trust that I can do what I truly want to do. Why me, is a big one? There are so many people out there that could be doing this a million times better – it tells me and I hear it. Every day I try not to listen.

In “the War of art” Steven Pressfield call this resistance to create and the resistance to creativity. Just opening the war of art made me, from the first page, feel and understand that this force, that is trying to prevent me from doing what I love, will be there with me as a bad friend forever. But, now when I know him, I know that he is the one being insecure, scared, unloved, unfulfilled and not worth ever listening to – not the real me. He is the black angel, the bully who doesn’t know any better, and he is always full of shit.

Even though I hear him loud and clear, every day, I will not let him win over me, because I know that I will look back and thank myself for every fight I won against him. If I give in it only means that I will have to start doing this shit later in life – because this is what I would do if someone gave me six months left to live. To me it is meaningful and it gives my soul and me a purpose. That’s how I know that he is full of shit that resistance, I know that this is worth fighting for and I know that if I will not do this I will always just be my own shadow.