Tag Archives: eating disorders

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

The Butterfly Foundation

In my search for things to do with and in my life, that will make me feel as if I am doing something that is spreading good, love and happiness in this world I came across The Butterfly Foundation. It is an eating disorder organization and they work with boys and girls who are and have lived through an eating disorder. They also work with basically anyone who need support in this area such as families, care takers, partners etc. I love how this organization work, through sharing stories with purpose and through the stories generate hope and community.

Through attending The Butterfly Foundations story telling workshop I learned a lot about myself and others, and I learned that there are so many genuinely nice and caring people out in this world who are spending all their lives trying to help others go through what they’ve been through themselves.

This experience left me truly inspired and hopeful to find a path for myself as I now know that such places exist! Last but not least, it left me with a feeling of excitement that this is also what the world can be like; a world where we simply care for others and do our job to help where help is needed. It is such a beautiful thing to be in a room with people who genuinely just care about others. <3

Here is a link to my story:

https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/understand-eating-disorders/share-your-story/stories/view/57 

SIGNED, SEALED & Free the girl – Ready to be delivered!

Get it here (only available as an E-book at this stage, hard-copy lovers have to wait a few weeks. The only difference will be that the E-book contains photos the hard copy lack):

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B074GV3DPZ or

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B074GV3DPZ

Free the girl can easily be described as a letter to my teenage self from an older sister! I’m sharing my journey to hopefully make hers make more sense a little quicker.

In this book I give you the story of my destructive ego getting silenced by love, craziness, common sense, hope and a lot of stubbornness. You will go along for a trip to emotion-land, with me and maybe learn a new way of interacting with, and get to know yourself. It is a heavy read, but also filled with a lot of light, fun, “is this actually true?”, honesty and questions for you to reflect over.

Today, almost 10 years after starting it I am finally able to publish, move on with my life BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – help young girls (and boys) out there who have lost the ability/forgot how to love & respect themselves.

After completing this book I know this about my life;

I have never, ever, in my life done anything this properly. I didn’t actually think that I had it in me. Or, let me rephrase that; I always knew I could do things properly – I just didn’t think that I would ever feel bothered to put in that extra work into something to make it the best. I have always settled with the first ok or good result to then rejected it out of my life like a little deer child. For the first time in my life I feel that I have done the absolute best I can in producing something I am proud of. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of showing the result. It feels very revealing; because now, I share with you my absolute best! And, I am presenting you the hardest times of my life and my thoughts about how I could’ve made my life a bit or a lot lighter.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self-love is out there for you, or for that teenage cousin of yours who seem to be a little more down that you think she/he has to be, to read.

This book is a perfect tool for parents who have teenagers that might seem a bit down, are drinking too much, battling with eating disorders, lack of self love or who might just need a bit of perspective on life. It is a perfect book to have and communicate through with your teenager (and they will most likely love it too since it is written in a raw but still optimistic language).

 

ALL THE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also to be found in the book)

I am filled with a lot of gratitude to all the people who have encouraged me to keep working on this book when I sometimes doubted if I am actually the right person to shine light on these self-destructive subjects. Today, thanks to all of you, I know that I am, because I feel so much for everything I share in this book, and I truly wish that it will end up in the hands of those who feel a lot, and those who know people who feel. A lot.

THANK YOU Adrian who I have accused of not believing in my capability of actually finishing something (which I realised when writing this, is just my own fear of not being capable, and my own self doubt projected). Thank you for pushing me to create something that inspires and feels good, even though my story is quite heavy.

Thanks to my brothers for letting me share our story, through my experience and to use your documentation.

Thank you Mum for providing me with so many emotional drawings (some I heard you drew balling your eyes out) and being able to stay positive, never blaming me for treating you like shit and holding my behaviour against me – because you always knew that I had, and always will, have endless love for you.

Amber Weller & Zandra Zbinden for thoroughly going through and helping me see things with a new, educated perspective.

Anthony Ross for helping me realize how shit the book once was, which made me step up and not just lazily reject it, like I normally do – before I had actually put in the hard work of editing it properly!

Temi Katonis, Tali Morgan, Isabel Westrup & Ellika Fenno for reading this in it’s early stages and give me some really good feedback and confidence to the story.

I have to give my biggest thank to someone I have never met in person but who has taught me so much about the art of writing and composing a book; Honey Reither, who I would’ve never gotten in contact with if it wasn’t for beautiful, wonderful and supportive Josephine Tang. Thank you too for helping me see and feel the value of my book and believing that it will truly help all the lost souls out there! Sometimes I almost think that you don’t live on this earth….

I also feel as if I should thank my dad for something too …for just raising a thunderstorm child without letting it get to him (almost at all).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop numbing your body’s signals!

Anorexia and eating disorders… fuck it, all depression, rehabs and shit should be paying close attention to the “patience’s” diets. The more I read about it – the more it make sense. Kelly Brogan, for example, is putting it beautifully when she says that all people even should be grateful for depression and anxiety since it is their bodies way of telling them that something is in imbalance or wrong inside. Something is being over or under-consumed or is lacking in the diet which results in a chemical or physical imbalance. Instead of adding that “missing-chemical” or vitamin in tablet form (which most likely will come with at least one side effect) we should see it as a turning point where we can take charge of the steering wheel and drive ourselves into sanity.

The thing is that that depression or anxiety that you might feel is probably not the only thing “wrong” inside of you. It would most likely be like the overused metaphor “the tip of the iceberg”. Medication can help – yes, I know that myself. Antidepressants have picked me up from many dark alleys in my life, but if I would’ve known that everything in fact is as connected on the inside as it is; I would’ve made sure that I had tried everything natural before I reached for my “last resort”.

I cant help myself from looking back at my nineteen year old, fake sugar, alcohol, caffeine, paracetamol, gluten and dairy munching self with a wonder of what might have happened if I knew enough about the chemical process happening inside of my body. I want to slap that naïve girl in the face when she said “diet coke has no calories so it doesn’t affect the body”. I want to say to her “Well, how the hell is your life working out for you then?”. But she would’ve gone berserk. She was crazy (literally). (btw, she is still crazy but now more the good crazy. you know; happily crazy!)

the happiness hormone

Look, I even learnt yesterday (from Giulia Enders, Gut – the inside story of our body’s most under-rated organ) that when we eat fruit sugar – fructose – the amino acid tryptophan links up with the fructose molecule in the digestion process. When we over consume fructose and our bodies can’t make use of all of it the body lose the sugar molecule but also all the tryptophan linked to it. We don’t produce an endless amount of tryptophan so then it turns out we use it all up if we over consume fructose. Tryptophan is needed in the body to make serotonin – the happiness hormone. Ta-da.

If you are not aware of this it is so easy to over consume fructose. It’s added in tomato sauce, yoghurts, lollies, “no refined sugar-products”-tricking you into believing they are healthy, pasta sauces and processed food in general. It is everywhere. It might say corn syrup, apple-juice or any other fruit juice – they are all the same. It all uses up the tryptophan.

This is just one of the processes in the body that shows that when we eat naively and don’t consider how the food affect our mental state we might miss out on the production of the best hormones in the world. Imagine all the other crazy processes we can be missing out on simply by just not listening to our bodies’ signals to us that we instead use over the counter drugs to mask? Instead of listening to signals of pain, frustration or sadness we are taught to numb them with pharmaceuticals and we keep living on with dysfunctional bodies completely or at least half way disconnected from ourselves.

I am excited to say that today I have cut a quarter off my serotonin pill – this is when I start take charge and turning the wheel around. I am no longer that naïve girl I once was. Today I listen to people who know way more than I do – but most importantly I am reaching out (or in) to listen to my own body.

 

My control is getting out of control

gym

It’s starting to occur a lot to me how controlling I actually am. I’ve never really looked at it in that way. I’ve never thought I need control to relax. But I do. I always look at myself and believe that I am totally aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I often say that no one is more aware of everything that is wrong with me than I am, and still I haven’t understood how big my need of control actually is.

It make so much sense though, with an eating disorder passed, which basically is all about self control with rewarding thoughts when I managed not to eat. I thought I left it all behind. But coming to Sweden and being out of my controlled environment, without my routines I really understood how much of a control freak I actually am. Still. At home I have my workout routine, my breakfast routine, I know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it and I don’t think much of it. I love waking up 5am to do a workout and basically living a whole little morning life before the rest of the world wakes up.

I loved the first few jet lag days here in Sweden when we woke up too early and went down to the out door gym and manage to shower and bake bread before the rest of the family woke up. I reward myself for being so active. When people sleep and I am active it makes me feel good. But I’m here in Sweden to hang out with my family and friends. That should be priority one for me. And no one is living that life here. I fought with my brain and family when they want to go out for “late dinners” (7-8pm). I think that I can’t be in bed too late because I want to go up and work out. Which is not why I’m here. So you’d think I could be a little bit more flexible.

The first few days when I went up at 8am, and got down to the gym at 8.30 I stressed. I felt like I was loosing important time. Like the day was slipping through my fingers. And I kept starring at the watch, getting annoyed when people took their time. I was in a constant rush to nowhere really. I’m on vacation, I have no place I have to be and I can’t relax and enjoy a sleep in without hissing like a cat at the people around me. I can’t enjoy a late dinner because I am to stressed of being tired the day after at the gym.

I need to have control over something, and if that is not food, it’s the gym and my work outs. I can’t relax if that part of me isn’t under control. I won’t think a good and happy thought if everything isn’t under control. I need that time in the morning to set myself up for the day ahead. And that’s ok. But not when it prohibits me from actually living my life, spending time with my friends and family and ruins my day if I can’t do my workout one morning.

I haven’t got an answer to how I’ll take control over my controlling needs. But from now on I’ll be more aware of this side of me, so that I hopefully can stop myself when I stop living. When I don’t care about life just so that I can follow my rules and have shit under control. I’ll ask myself If it’s worth getting angry, stressed and upset, practically ruin a morning because I’m at the gym at 9am instead of 7am. After all, I’m preaching the power of choice, how you can choose how you feel, and I want to choose to be a free spirit. And I have some shit to work on in order for that to happen.