Tag Archives: energy

Bring me back to life!

I’ve  gotten to a point where I finally have had enough of my own self pity and victimization. I have, too often, been feeling so sorry for myself in the past couple of months. The self pity have taken over and I have been depressed, I know that for sure now – because I now feel things (good things) I haven’t felt for a long long time. I’ve just become aware of the fact that things hasn’t been what I want them to be.

I know I repeatedly say to be accepting of whatever emotion you are living with in the present and just allow for it to be present in your body in order not to cause internal friction and frustration through wanting things to be other than what they are. I still believe that, to a point, but I also have become aware of the fact that I might have used that way of thinking and living to the point where feeling sad felt so much safer than feeling excited and tempted to go out and live, do and feel excited about life.

I got to a point where I had enough, and reaching that point might have come out of many different variables lining up: The medication should be out of my system by now and I am relearning my brain to rely on its own supplies, I took some time off and went to the country and cleansed my liver with herbs, countless saunas, cold showers and relaxing.

I haven’t been able to be as loving as I need to be in order to feel good about myself lately. I haven’t had any energy to give, and not being able to give and share myself happily have done the opposite of nourishing me and my soul. But I think it was necessary for me to cocoon for a while in order to support my body and mind so that I can be capable of sharing and giving love effortlessly and naturally like I know that I can do when I feel aligned and balanced.

The process of going off these pills also made me irritated with the world and the people around me, possibly because my body needed my full attention and with anyone who stepped inside of my space I felt subconsciously threatened or maybe my brain was just overloaded with chemicals and I simply just needed all my energy to calm my mind, who knows?

Either way I came to a point (here we go again) where I had enough and I got the strength to – actually –  slap myself in the face and snap out of my own self-pity. Every time I felt my body and energy going towards 1. Being irritated with a person or a phenomena 2. Feeling sorry for myself and/or helpless 3. Feeling stressed about the future and how I am not where I want to be in this moment I allowed me to slap myself in the face – just hard enough so that it was uncomfortable – so that I would keep myself from sliding down that dark spiral.

I also decided to boost myself a little and signed up for a one week gym class and I went up ridiculously early to lift weights and do burpees before the sun went up – just to kick start my newfound source of life. Last time I remember myself feeling alive like that was when I made sure I always put an alarmclock on for myself – not for anyone else. I realised that I need to start waking up to things I love.

Every time I feel my self esteem sink or my irritation arise I slap myself in the face and say; NO! I know it might sound harsh but it just happens to work for me, and I feel kind of silly doing it so often I giggle a little at myself because if someone would see me I would look as silly as I feel. And we all know that giggling alone is like velvet for the soul.

It felt so good doing good things for myself and holding myself accountable for creating good things with my energy and my life. My inspiration through this transition in life has been Caroline Myss whose words and teachings really hit home with me. If you are interested in understanding your body’s energy systems and exploring the vibrant world in and outside of yourself then you have a great teacher in Caroline Myss. I have just touched the surface of all of her teachings and luckily you can just google/youtube her and get access to so much of it.

MY DAD AND I <3

From age ten to twenty dad had to sit next to me when I was studying. I told him that it was time and he sat down to help me with everything from Spanish to bouncing ideas (or be my ballplank as we say in Sweden). He never complained or said “not now” or “can we do that after…” etc. He was always happy to help. One might think that he cared about what grades I got with stuff he had invested his time to help me understand, but no. Maybe he knew that I had put the effort in and didn’t care if I got a good or bad grade, maybe he didn’t actually car at all. I think that I have wanted my parents to care about my grades in school more, maybe I wanted to have to be pushed to do shit, but I didn’t need to be pushed. I pushed myself because I saw achievements in school as something good to identify myself with. My self worth and love was dependent on good achievements and it didn’t make sense to me that my parents actually didn’t care of how well I performed in school.

I have been like a bee growing up. A strong will, a lot of anger and emotions. I was tricky to raise, I’ve understood, and with the years anxiety and depression flew through me like birds who gathers fish in the ocean. In and out. Naturally I have been looking for my depressing energetic inheritance on my mothers’ side. And that might well have been the source to that kind of energy. Once I had dived deep into trying to understand my mothers energetic past I gained some peace. But I was still almost completely lost and restless.

Something happened to me in the second half of 2016. A calm source started to run through my body and mind. Like I had found a new tap to open up a now flow within.

My relationship with my dad have always been a solid one. We have been besties in silence. Cooking, walking and reading together, but there have always been this friction between us. Like we have been so much alike in our incompleteness that instead of finding a way to work together as a team to find peace of mind we have stirred the pot by accusing the other of doing the things we also know that we are doing to ourselves.

I have been worrying about my dads’ lack of self-care, and he has been worrying about mine. We have focused about sorting each other out in areas we have lacked peace of mind ourselves. At the same time I felt this calm enter my body, by dad started a health journey I know that he is so content with. I don’t have to talk to him about it. I can feel it, even if I live on the other side of the planet from him. It is like we have shared the same restlessness and at the same time we both knew what we needed to do to break free from it. For the first time in our lives we are in sync, happy and both of us mentally and physically healthier than ever before.

My dad looked like he has swallowed a giant globe the last time I saw him irl. His legs were skinny, as were his arms, but you could see some excess skin around his neck. He puffed and sweated as he worked his way around the city. It made me sad to see, not because I care about how he looks, but because I could see that he didn’t care about his health at all any more. He was so caught up in his spiritual journey that he neglected his body, his carriage, completely.

The time came when he knew what he had to do, as I knew what I had to do. I had to relax and take care of my spirit, and he had to keep his spiritual calm and take care of his carriage. Yesterday I spoke with my mum as she was walking my brothers mini-poodle Snulf around a winter morning in Stockholm. She was so clear, happy. Finally dad has found his place where he could connect his body with his spirit. Where he can let them live in sync. He ferments his own food, breaths, walks, fasts, no gluten, dairy or stake, only when he feels like it, maybe when they are out at a restaurant or something. He is not so strict he has forgotten how to live; he is just in balance and harmony with his needs and feelings. The internal globe is gone, he is now nurturing twenty kilos less weight and I’m guessing a flourishing micro biome.

The past six months I have unintentionally thought a lot about my dads upbringing, about my Grandmother Emma and about what energies that may have been past onto me through that channel. I have had my hands full with mums’ side of myself that I have completely ignored my dads side, which is not a complete dance on a rose field either. Ever since I made that connection another level of calm entered and I feel like I am finally free from my past and ready to look forward for real.

I am so happy to feel this free, and I am so proud of my dad doing the same. I think that we both needed each other to sort ourselves out in order to find the balance between us that we now have. There is a strong link between us and now, even though we don’t see each other face to face as often as we used to, that link is stronger and more sparkling than ever.

Motivation

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Sometimes it can be hard to understand that what keeps me motivated might not be what give someone else his or her drive. It can be frustrating, especially since you spend so much time in your own head.

What used to motivate me was also the thing that drove me crazy. That perfect body. It wasn’t so much a motivator when I think back at it, it wasn’t like I got heaps of energy and willingness to be healthy and move. It steered up more frustration than motivation. The ideal body wasn’t a golden carrot to keep me happily going, it was a panic and frustration since I was convinced that I couldn’t enjoy life unless that body was already in my possession. So the perfect body controlled me, consumed me.

What motivate me now are health, energy and happiness. I want to feel good. It’s amazing to now have got feeling good as a top-motivator. When the perfect body was the only answer to happiness I couldn’t fulfil my health needs, nor my energy needs. I couldn’t eat what gave me energy and fullness because that, ridiculously, contradicted my fight for my ideal body.

I understand now that it’s important to have goals that are aligned with one another. I’ve always thought that my goals in life were supporting each other. But I see now that they were actually contradicting goals. Sometimes there is just the finest of lines between support and something totally working towards what you are investing your time in, your life in.

I understand now that it’s important to be clear with what you actually want, and why you want it. The why has to be as clear as the want, and the how will soon fall into place. When the why and the want are on the same page, how is never a question, because the why and want is enough motivation to kill all confusion. Even when the how is hiding, the motivation is there to make you look through all hidden places, no matter how long it will take. To find that how.