Tag Archives: gratitude

From Nothing to Everything!


I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

Are we there yet?


I can find it hard sometimes to appreciate where I am now because I know where I want to be. I have all these goals and dreams and it can be frustrating not to actually know how or if you will even get there. Some days I’m so convinced that I’ll make it, whatever “it” might be. And some days I just feel flat, wondering what the hell I’m doing with myself. I suppose this isn’t rare, and I suppose we all doubt ourselves from time to time. But how do we snap out of it?

I can get upset when people tell me to be grateful for what I actually have, in this moment. I have a job where I work with some of the funniest people I’ve ever met, I’ve got the best man in the world who make me feel safe and loved, and who I love so much I want to live on the other side of the world from my family and friends. I’ve now got two families who I love. I’ve got an apartment I love. And I should be grateful that I actually have goals and dreams. When I moved to Australia I had no idea what I even wanted to do with my life. I applied for like a million receptionist roles because that was all I knew, I don’t love sitting in a reception. I had no real passions except fitness and writing, and I was too afraid to have writing goals since English obviously isn’t my first language. So even if gratitude can be frustrating when someone else encourages you to practice gratitude, the truth is that it is so powerful and true. If we choose to see it, there is a lot to be grateful for, and that will give us a boost to carry on with what we are doing from where we are standing.

Confidence boosting is also something important for me when I feel stuck. I hear myself talk me down, saying that I’m only this or only that, I hear my self-doubts and I start comparing myself with others. I see what I haven’t got and what I’m not good at, and that creates a bad cycle down to victimization. Sometimes it brings me to a point of wanting to give up and go back to wishing to win the lottery.

But then, something always reminds me of the fact that those voices, and those thought aren’t the truth if I don’t believe in them. I create the truth here and it’s up to me to believe in me. I can sit forever and think about what I’m not, or I can become who I want to be. No one want to be that person who just complain about what they don’t have, at least that’s the opposite of who I want/choose to be. So I do whatever I need to do to overpower these voices and I do what I need to do with confidence and gratitude. Sometimes I need to write a list of all the things I’m good at, or of all the things I love in my life right now, sometimes I just have to tell myself to grow the fuck up and stop wining, and sometimes I need to feel sorry for myself for an hour or two, and then create a plan of how I can stop that pathetic behavior. Different days call for different methods you see.

The bottom line is that it can be frustrating not knowing what the future might bring, but the fact is that you create your future now, and thinking of what you don’t have is not going to get you what you want. Seeing opportunities and what you do have to work with now is going to get you closer to whatever it is that you want.

Chasing goals


It seems like when I need it the most something always forces me to sit down and reset my goals. Today it was at work. I sometimes laugh at my own goals because they can seem a bit hard to achieve from where I’m standing today. I’m planning something of which I have no idea how to even beguine to reach. But that must be what separate us from each other. What you do proceed to chase after until it’s in your possession?

My goals at the moment frustrates me a lot, because I haven’t made anything concrete happen in order for me to move closer to them. I’m stranded. I’m here and scared to take actions. Scared to become a joke. But if it is my dream, should I care if trying to achieve them would turn me into a joke? If I truly try, then that cannot make me a joke, because it would be a joke not to try. After all they are my dreams. Never have anyone regretted that they went for something they truly believed in. ever.

Talking to people around me, friends and colleagues made me understand that I can achieve this if I want to. And to put my goals out there, outside my brain and get others take on my goals opened up new pathways on which I could walk.

So today I’m making plans. Plans for the future and then I’m breaking down my plans into smaller plans. In the next year I will grow my writing business, finish writing my first book and be in charge of selling a new Swedish product here in Australia. They are my one year goals. Oh, and taking that fucking driver’s license that I’m an expert to avoid practising for.

If I finish one chapter a month for my book, I’ll achieve one goal.

If I start networking and connecting to other writers and writing required businesses I will achieve another.

After all, these goals are mine, and no one will achieve them except me. I am the one who has to take actions, I am the one who as to ask for help when I need help. I am the one with these dreams, and I am the one who will live those dreams in the future.

I’ve felt so lost the last couple of days. I haven’t known what I want to do or how to get there. I haven’t known what I identify myself with and how to choose happiness. Sitting down and work out what I want and getting people to help me figure out the next steps really helped me ground myself. I now feel like I’ve gotten back my drive. I want to do this, so I will.

I know that I can


I wouldn’t consider myself a doer. I want to think that I am, but at the moment I’m not. I think and think and think, but when it comes to the doing part I pull out. I get scared. I’m too safe to do stuff without knowing the outcome. But recently I’ve started to experiment with the doing part. Like starting this blog for example. I’ve wanted and thought about having a blog for the last seven years. My thoughts of what can go wrong and what people could think has hold me back. It’s the same with most of the things I do in life. It’s like I don’t trust my own opinion of what’s good. I need someone else to either tell me what to do to get somewhere or let me know that what I’m doing is the right thing.

The more I do by myself, the stronger I feel within myself.

Lately I’ve started to push my limits with this a little. Not wait around for people to tell me what to do, and also stand up for what I do when someone ask me. It feels like just starting to make my own decisions and actually trusting that my opinion is as good as anyone else’s creates a good movement towards becoming more confidence in my life. The more I do by myself, the stronger I feel within myself.

I’ve also learnt that I often wait around for things to happen before I make a move. I think that if only this happen I’ll do that. Now, what if “this” doesn’t happen. Then “that” never will either. But what if I just go and do “that”, then “this” might happen, because I did “that” without waiting around for something to happen.

I make excuses not to do things. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and yet I don’t have the confidence to think that I can pull through. But I can, I know I can. And because I know that I can, I just have to start doing and doing and doing so that soon my whole body, and my whole brain knows that I can do things myself, without anyone confirming what I’m doing is right and without anyone telling me what to do. My opinion is as good as anyone, and as soon as I start to act as if, I’ll truly understand that. So that’s my mission now. To just do shit.

When the power of choice get thrown back in your face


I do believe in the power of choice. I’ve said it a million times. That you can choose happiness. I’ve believed it even when I didn’t know how. I’ve believed it even when I haven’t believed it.

When I’m frustrated, feeling down or angry and someone tells me to choose, I feel like I sometimes have to choose anger. Or sadness. I don’t know how to choose happiness, in that moment.

Is it true that you have to feel sadness sometimes, in order to be able to feel happiness? Or is it just what society wants us to think? I feel like I always have to choose happiness, because that is what I’m all about. But sometimes it feels kind of nice to be angry, relieving to cry and easy to just be a bit down. I think that I need all of my emotions at some point, but the challenge is to also know how to snap out of it. It can be easy to be stuck there I mean. If you know how to let out your emotions, turn the tap on, but then have the power to say “enough”, that’s the key to choosing.

When someone tells me to choose in a moment of anger or sadness I feel like punching myself and that person in the face at the same time, although I know this is what I believe. What if I want to choose anger. What if I need to choose anger? Then I will do it. I will be angry and sad, so that after that I can genuinely choose happiness again.

I trust future me


One of the biggest stress factors in my life is me stressing about the future. Not in a “what if I’ll be struggling in 15 years” way. I stress about the near future. I have something I need to do Friday for example, then my brain rush through heaps of different scenarios, thinking what could go wrong; I start to plan everything in detail, from breakfast to dinner on that day to make everything work smooth… What I don’t realise is that I create so much stress for myself, planning and creating stories.

The unexpected can actually be something I could enjoy

When Friday comes, everything just works out smoothly. The only thing that might make me stressed on the day would be if I tried to stick to the plan that I made up in my head days before. That I created in a stressed state of mind. If I would just go with the flow of the day, stress would be non-excising, and I could instead enjoy the beauty of the day. I could see things. Be spontaneous. Enjoy the unexpected. The unexpected can actually be something I could enjoy. Crazy. The unexpected usually freaks me out. What if. What if. what if. Yes, what if? The world will not end. Worst case I’ll experience something new that I don’t love. But then I’ve learnt that. That I don’t love this. It’s like I think that the unexpected could take me to palaces that I have no idea how to get back from. It could lure me away from my life. My plan.

I think that present me is the idiot in this scenario

In the end it’s just present me, not trusting future me. Present me thinks that it has to plan everything for future me, because she might be stupid and totally uncoordinated. Instead of just focusing on everything present me can focus on in the present moment, Present me live in the future hypothetical moment, and when the future come, there will be another hypothetical experience that present me thinks future me will be too stupid to handle. I don’t know about you, but I think that present me is the idiot in this scenario. Because she is missing out of the beauty of life. When it happens.

I just have to trust that when things happen, good and bad, I will act to the best of my ability then. I won’t become an idiot over a day. I can’t stress about what is about to happen, or what could happen or what could’ve happened, now. It’s pointless. It is. What I can do now, is the only thing I want to focus on. Future me will deal with the rest of my life. I trust her. She cool.

Back to work after a holiday


Studio PP, Melbourne

It’s always a bit weird to get back into normal routines after a long holiday. You go from not having to do anything, be anywhere on the other side of the world into having to be somewhere. Having to be where you were before. I’m super lucky to have a job where I’m surrounded by people that is also my friends. I laugh a lot at work. I can do handstands, and be in comfortable clothes and try to make as many people as possible happy. I’m lucky in that way.

Like I’ve said Sweden changed me. I now feel more relaxed, less stressed with my body and diet; I just want to do what’s best for my body and not listen to my brain when it tries to tell me that I have to work out three times a day and eat no carbs. Sweden changed my relationship with my brain.

I try to catch myself in the thinking process and ask if I can instead just find peace in this situation

When I got back to work, instead of wakening up old habits of constantly thinking about what time my brake is, when I can eat next, how hungry I am, if I’m tired, why I’m tired, do I need a coffee, do I need a tea… I was constantly thinking about what external things I needed in order to be content and satisfied. Instead of falling back into that stressed thinking pattern I try to catch myself in the thinking process and ask if I can instead just find peace in this situation? Can I just be happy with being a little tired? Maybe a little hungry? I will never starve. Instead of thinking “if only this, then I could be happy” I think that this is what I’ve got right now, how can I be peaceful and happy here, now.

In the end, life happens. We can choose, in every situation in life, to be at peace with the situation, or we can stress and still not change the situation. So far, choosing to be in peace with what I’ve got here and now has been the winning option, without a single exception.

The change from inside


I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

Buried with guilt

maya saci

For people who have high expectations on themselves, and who live with the belief that other people expect a lot from them, guilt can be a very present feeling. I, myself, experience feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It’s not as bad as it used to be. I think I was born feeling guilty. When I used to unload the dishwasher I could feel so guilty for the glasses I didn’t use as much as the other ones. I apologised to them and tried to make sure that the unused ones ended up in the front of the cabinet. I couldn’t and still cannot bear to lie to people. That guilt can bury me alive.

What can you do with those shitty feelings of guilt? They don’t do any good. No one benefits from them, because they don’t change anything. Guilt is usually about what has happened, therefore feelings of guilt is about the past. The past you cannot change. I suppose guilt can be present in the now, and you can also feel guilty about something that is about to happen, but the emotion is not changing the reality. It’s useless.

I usually feel guilty about the past. About shit I have no control over today. It ties up with forgiveness I believe. If I can forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past the guilt should disappear. I have to forgive myself for not living up to all my own and others expectations. It’s ok. Life happens. If I constantly live my life with guilt, I’m not living in the moment, in the now, and that’s not a life I want to live.

Forgiveness is something I need to work on. I need to understand that things people do has nothing to do with me, even if it can feel quite personal sometimes. I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I have to celebrate the fact that I’m not perfect. Because that would be boring as fuck. If I can celebrate me not being perfect, then I can understand that other people aren’t perfect, and then we can celebrate together. We can be free together. Love together.

Peace of mind


When you have nowhere you have to be, but here. And nothing you have to do, but what you are doing right now. When you can be at ease with what is happening. When nothing happens to you, but for you. When you are not constantly the centre of your focus. I’ve found that my search for happiness and the perfect me have made me very self cantered. It’s me me me. What makes me happy, what makes me tired, what makes me sad, what do I want to do. And of course, those are important questions, but not to the point where they are in focus 100% of your awaken time. The world doesn’t circle around me, and life is not ever happy when you are constantly turned inside. Happiness is when you are in sync with what is happening around you, and you have a peace of mind in every situation.

When I constantly think about what others will think of me, how other people see me, if they approve of me, I bring everything back to me. Me me me. And it’s not all about me. That’s a paranoid way of living. It can drive anyone crazy. What if I instead, turned my focus on meeting others, connecting, without expecting anything from them, and without needing anything from them? Just connecting. Weather the connection is pleasant or unpleasant doesn’t matter, it all teaches you something about yourself and others. And I can meet every person with a peace of mind. What if I could live in this world and just be at ease with myself and my brain, what could I achieve? If I didn’t plan my whole life in advance. So that the world had to fit into my plan. Me me me. What if I just did, without planning. And with peace of mind.

Peace of mind is when you do whatever you do, without constantly thinking what is next. What would life be like if you never had to be anywhere but where you are? And where you are isn’t all about you, it’s about everyone…