Tag Archives: guilt

#Metoo

#Metoo.

One of the most beautiful things with this movement is, for me personally, the feeling of release and relieve of seeing people let go of their own shame and guilt –  with pride.

It might sound tragic to see beauty in the unity of something raw and wrong, but in some way it seem to ease that pressure I’ve carried around on my chest. That pressure that comes from wishing that I would have made “better” choices in life, and that pressure that comes from believing that because of my past I will never feel complete; that I fucked up and it’s not reversible.

Sharing what we are ashamed of leads to a combined realization that there is nothing to be ashamed of, not from our side. Sharing what we are feeling ashamed of is finally helping us, and others, to let go of that useless shame. That pressure. over the chest.

Me too have things to share, things that I today find it hard to speak of. It’s not so much what others have done to me, but what I’ve done to myself. I am ashamed of the fact that I’ve been weak. I’m ashamed of the fact that I’ve been sacrificing love for nothing other than misery. I’ve sacrificed love for friends, family and myself and for that I feel so guilty. I’m ashamed of the fact that I didn’t allow myself to ever feel like a worthy human – and what I, through that mindset, put myself through.

To me, its not just about sharing what people have done to us, although for so many that is the biggest pressure many are carrying around. For me it is about realizing that you and I are worth living life without guilt for the past or anxiety for the future no matter who or what we have been through.

I constantly try to share my demons, so that someone out there might be able to relate and get that pressure of their chest, if only for a minute – because I know how valuable that minute can be. That minute of realising that you are not alone. That minute of completely feeling that who you are is who you are and that will never change so whatever your past is carrying – it doesn’t have to have anything to do with the rest of your life. That minute of feeling that right here and right now – all is good.

There is a lot of anger attached to this movement. A lot of blame. And although I do wish that people who have exposed others to fear, shame and guilt really feel that guilt for themselves so that they can share and educate others on how to avoid it, (through respect and care(!)) I believe that the most important thing here is to realise that this type of shame that us, mostly woman, put ourselves through, is in fact shit and useless and I think that everybody who share things that they’re carrying all by themselves in order to help others should be so proud. Because sharing really is caring. Relating is fantastically supporting and it is really what this world needs.

It is in fact the main reason to why I wrote the book Free the girl; so that those girls out there who are ashamed of how they treat and think of their own bodies and minds can find someone to relate to, and realise that they are not alone. And then, through that experience they can see how one person realised that being ashamed, full of self hate for simply being a human is not at all what life is about. With my shame and guilt they are given one of many perspectives on how to break free from that destructive mental prison. It is my way of helping. My way of sharing. So yes, Metoo – in more than one way.

If you would like to get my book, you can get it here:

   https://www.amazon.com/Free-Girl-story-finding-self-love-ebook/dp/B074GV3DPZ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503383002&sr=8-1&keywords=free+the+girl+a+story+about+finding 

Either order it to your tablett or as a hard copy.

The engine to my guilt and people pleasing: Eva-Lena

The landmark series part one.

My head is spinning with thoughts and my body is full of emotions. This weekend has been full on, on so many levels and I can feel in and with my whole being that today is the beginning of a new era. I have left the past in the past and I am completely dedicated to the future. “Where do I go from here?” is the question, and backwards is the only answer that it is not.

I have been doing Landmark Forum over the weekend, basically questioning everything that I know, and how I know to act. For three days, 39 hours I have learnt a lot about myself and others and I have gotten access to some tools that I will use for the rest of my life. I am not going to lie though, a lot of it didn’t sit well with me, but instead of doing what I always have been doing, up until now, I didn’t try to get my point across and change the whole forum to fit into my reality. Even though I believe that some parts would be better changed I have realized that if I am going to change everything that doesn’t sit right with me there will be no energy and time left for me to live a passionate life. This is when choosing gets tough, and it has taken me 26 years to realise that I have to choose what I want change in this world. I have to choose what I want to focus on and then just let the rest go and leave it for someone else to change. Someone who will make it their life’s passion. Because there is no point doing it half arsed.

I realised that I cannot fit everything I have learnt about myself in one post, so over the next couple of days I will share all of what I have learnt this past weekend in a few different themes.

Enough of the justifying.

I have connected some really cool dots about my past, and I actually think that this is true. According to Landmark we all carry with us a couple of strong suits from our past. Basically you can track three big realizations in your life that since have defined who you are and how you act in this world. The first moment of definition happened somewhere from when you were borne til around six years old. You realised that something was wrong, or you had done wrong. Second is in the early teens and you realise that you are different, and last in the late teens and early twenties you realise that you are on your own.

These strong suits is, from what I gathered, based on negative experiences and for the rest of your life (if you don’t learn how to distance yourself from them) they will work for you as a form of defence mechanism to avoid you from ever feeling what you felt then ever again. I thought about who I have been in the past and what could possibly have helped shape that person and realised that my constant people pleasing and fright of feeling guilty must have started that day in after school care when I stole glue-tag of the paintings in school, to make a ball out of it. Later a teacher, Eva-Lena, ran in to where I was sitting screaming in front of everyone “WHO HAS STOLEN ALL THE GLUE-TAG, MY PAINTINGS ARE HANGING ON THREE QUARTER”. I felt this lump in my chest, as if I needed to vomit. I had done something wrong, and an adult I didn’t know was angry, with me. I felt ill. I panicked. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t confess to her, she was so scary and angry. Later when mum picked me up from school I cried and cried and believed that I could never live without this feeling again. This was who I was now. Guilty. It was unbearable for me. I felt like I had failed everything.  When my panic didn’t slow down and couldn’t stop crying mum made me call my own teacher and tell her what had happened. I remember mum dialling the number on the green phone in their bedroom and my teacher Inga picked up. When I confessed she said thank you so much, what a brave girl you are for telling me. The guilt escaped my body. I could breath again. The day after in class she told everyone that I had been such a brave person for confessing and she praised me in front of the whole room. She then asked if anyone else had taken glue-tag and mostly because everyone wanted to get praised they all put their hand up. It made me feel so free, telling her, but obviously that teacher yelling made me never break any rules in school ever again.

So… that moment is the reason to why I never studied for myself and needed all teachers to know that I was a good girl. I needed to be far away from ever being yelled at like that ever again. And until I graduated high school I had the best grades in all subjects (except maths because it is obviously too logical for me). To be honest I have no idea what the moral of the story is here. This pain I was in there obviously made me work with the rules I was given and it effected me in a way of being too cooperative in the rules of society. What I missed during all of these years was to figure out how to do things for myself and figure out what I actually was interested in, instead of just being a perfectly created student. I was a robot in school, programmed to do well. And I did. But when school finished and I had no one to please, I lived in chaos. It is crazy to think that a moment like that can have so much impact on a child, but I honestly think that it makes sense.

Figuring this moment out has cleared up a lot of things for me about myself and the way I’ve been living in this world. Just by knowing this I feel free to choose if that moment is a moment that I want to be the engine or the fuel to my way of living, and the answer is no. Eva-Lena is sitting somewhere in Sweden, having no idea how great her impact on me has been. I never knew her, because she was never my teacher, but in a way she has been following me my whole life. And to be fair, she caused me a lot of guilt, but I also have got to thank her for my good grades. Good grades that I will never really need in life.

I am now standing in the possibility of being free from trying to justify myself to authority. I don’t need everybody to think that I have done the right thing, I only need to know that I have done the right thing for me. From now on I will not dedicate my life to look good in front of others, I will dedicate my life to what I am interested in. so… where do I go from here?

GUILT

What an interesting feeling that is. I hate it, but it is fascinating to me, still. All the things I do that I don’t want to do I do because of this lingering feeling in my body, or rather to avoid feeling it. I know that now, just realized it. I am aware and that is the first step towards change. In one way guilt has ruled my life since I was a little child. I felt guilty for everything. When I was crying hysterically, 7 years old, a teacher got furious because someone had taken glue tag from all the paintings outside her classroom, and that someone was me. That is the first memory I have from feeling totally consumed by guilt. I didn’t know what to do. I just cried and cried until my mum made me call my teacher to confess. What a relief. That started a spiral of truth. And confessing. I learnt that if I just followed order, not disappoint anyone, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So after that I did everything to be the perfect student, friend and… being. Not for myself, but because I was so scared of feeling “it”.

Shit, I’ve let my fear of guilt rule my life for so long. It has been my biggest distraction from finding and following my own interest and heart. I’ve been so focused on not “hurting” anyone to avoid that clump in my throat, that glue in my stomach. That pressure over my chest.

One of my biggest successes this year has been to fight all my made up “shoulds” in my head and focus on what I genuinely feel like and want to do. I haven’t realised, until now, that I have actually been fighting with my feelings of guilt.

It is linked to so many other mechanisms in my body and brain and I can’t wait to dig deeper into this, I know that I can only win. Guilt is connected to my constant comparison to others, and to my ego. It makes me feel less worth if I’m not doing what everyone else are doing, or wants me to do. It prohibit me from actually follow my own wants and needs. It makes me do shit half arsed because I am doing shit I don’t really feel like doing, but I do them anyway, do avoid feeling guilty.

Forever, up until now, I’ve thought that I need constant approval from others, and that has been what has driven me to do shit. The more I think about it the more I start to realise that ninety-precent of the time I recon I have done these things to avoid that fucking chest lump. I want to have as little as possible for people to be disappointed in me for. And that is not what I want my drive in life to be. I want my engine to be my emotions and my goal to be to the best I can possibly be, for myself, not the least disappointing for others.

Buried with guilt

maya saci

For people who have high expectations on themselves, and who live with the belief that other people expect a lot from them, guilt can be a very present feeling. I, myself, experience feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It’s not as bad as it used to be. I think I was born feeling guilty. When I used to unload the dishwasher I could feel so guilty for the glasses I didn’t use as much as the other ones. I apologised to them and tried to make sure that the unused ones ended up in the front of the cabinet. I couldn’t and still cannot bear to lie to people. That guilt can bury me alive.

What can you do with those shitty feelings of guilt? They don’t do any good. No one benefits from them, because they don’t change anything. Guilt is usually about what has happened, therefore feelings of guilt is about the past. The past you cannot change. I suppose guilt can be present in the now, and you can also feel guilty about something that is about to happen, but the emotion is not changing the reality. It’s useless.

I usually feel guilty about the past. About shit I have no control over today. It ties up with forgiveness I believe. If I can forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past the guilt should disappear. I have to forgive myself for not living up to all my own and others expectations. It’s ok. Life happens. If I constantly live my life with guilt, I’m not living in the moment, in the now, and that’s not a life I want to live.

Forgiveness is something I need to work on. I need to understand that things people do has nothing to do with me, even if it can feel quite personal sometimes. I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I have to celebrate the fact that I’m not perfect. Because that would be boring as fuck. If I can celebrate me not being perfect, then I can understand that other people aren’t perfect, and then we can celebrate together. We can be free together. Love together.