Tag Archives: happiness

Why I need to stop identifying with my wounds!

During the last months of tapering off the “Zoloft” type medication I’ve been on I’ve come to get to know the difference in being depressed and having anxiety. I actually haven’t looked up the definition for either so this is purely based on my own experiences. Recently I have had days of depression filled with panic attacks that has scared me more than any anxiety has ever done. Not that the depression is worse, but it is definitely sneakier. I know now that I have never actually known what “depression” really is and I’ve always just assumed that it was sort of what I used to carry around. But today I’m not so sure. Throughout growing up I experienced dips, often, but it was always contrasted with extreme outbursts of happiness. This, the shit I’ve been thinking, feeling and experiencing is a whole new kettle of fish. I always knew when I was anxious because the feeling was so physical, but being depressed is like “knowing” that there is nothing to live for anymore. But then, once the depression-shadow passes I understand that I was just overtaken by depression and my lack of lust for living was just a waken nightmare. I am lucky to be so aware of the fact that the depression will pass with time, and I am lucky to not act on any scary thoughts I get once I’m in the shade. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who is alone or have no tools to use, because everything depression make you feel feels so real and it seems to take over without you noticing when, where and why.

I always say how grateful I am for knowing all different feelings so that I can relate through others through emotions. I always say that I am grateful for feeling like shit because I can appreciate feeling good even more. I always say that feeling like shit has helped me grow, a lot, and for that I am grateful. And I still am grateful for what I’ve been through mentally because it has shaped the person I am today, but I am also ready to move on and leave this world behind. Not this world, but that world. The world in which I need my wounds to survive.

Going off these antidepressants really introduced me to a new world of scary feelings and I don’t remember the last time, if even ever, I’ve felt the need to be so alone with myself. Most days I feel like I just need to be alone, I don’t really feel like meeting up with anyone, and that used to stress me out a little but I know that it is just temporary, whilst dealing with the chemical storm in my brain. I owe it to myself to not push myself too hard and if anyone would call me or think of me as selfish, then so be it. In the meantime make sure I get outside enough, I make sure I look after my body and I make sure I push myself outside of my comfort zone just enough so that I don’t completely vanish inside myself.

Now it has been a month without my “medication” and I know that it is time to come back to life. It is time to start getting up out of bed, for myself, and be excited to interact with the world around me. It is time to be excited to be alive again. I have been in my cocoon for a long time now, and I am ready (and scared) to get my life back.

I read something yesterday (in a book called Anatomy of the Spirit) that reasoned with me a lot and helped me get to this decision of getting my life back. It sort of described to me how I’ve lived my life since.. forever and through seeing it so clearly in front of me I am finally ready to let that go.

My whole life I have used my wounds to connect with people. I’ve never been afraid to mention my eating disorders, my “mental-illnesses”, my diseases, my fears, depression and anxiety as a conversation starter, an ice breaker – an introduction to whom I am. This book that I was reading was questioning why a person feel like every person has to know the pain one has been through as soon as possible and I had to ask myself: why have I always used my wounds to introduce myself? As if my wounds are the most important part of who I am… When did I decide that all the other things I have to offer weren’t who I was? Why my hurt? Why my pain? Why not my love and presence?

I have always lived as if my wounds are who I am, and in a way, they have been. But if I see a beautiful painting or a flower I don’t really care or need to know exactly what paint, type of brushes or what soil has been used to produce them. Yes my wounds are all in my history but just because they were some of what shaped me I need to realise that they aren’t what I am. I am not my wounds and I need to stop using them as my identity or they’ll be unhealed forever.

I am ready to be whole, complete, someone who understand but don’t always have to compare. I am ready to listen. That’s it. Getting off these antidepressants must be the last step for me in order to finally be free from identifying with a wounded person, a wounded soul. I need no more lessons in feeling sorry for myself, I’ve done that enough. I need no more lessons in self-pity and victimization. I am ready to be strong, happy and ready to listen and live life now. I want to be the tree other people can hang onto if they ever get trapped with a storm inside of them. That is who I identify myself with, a helper!

Free from fear (sort of) and full of hope!

Here we go again!

Today I am turning 27 and I feel so good about that! I have got a lot of optimism for this year. I’m finally done with my 9 years of antidepressants, I am my own friend and I have learnt how to communicate with my body. But still, I’ve just got that last bit to go in order to get these chemicals out of my system, and the turbulence has been real, but this time not so scary because I’ve learnt from the past episodes that everything will pass.

My anger is bubbling up to the surface again, my sadness is making itself known. I am depressed from time to time but I am not scared of my depression. Not anymore, and that is probably the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in a long time. I can allow myself to feel as if I will never feel that I want to do anything ever again until it passes, because it does. I know that this medication is making its way through and out of my body and I am okay with that. I am okay with not wanting to do things other than reed my books and watch my shows and study my online courses that I am doing at the moment. I am okay with not being the centre of other peoples lives and I am okay with exploring my inner world and getting to know myself from the inside and out. In fact, despite small tingles of guilt for not participating in the world out there I am enjoying just being with myself, I know that the world out there will still be there when I am ready to leave my cocoon.

What I am not okay with is how this detachment from this medicine is sometimes taking over my whole being and I am having a hard time not seeing the worst in other people. I feel selfish in the way I act and think about people in those moments and I don’t enjoy not feeling as other people and the world is the reason, the source of my unhappiness. I blame “them” in my head in these moments, believing that it is because of them and the way they act that I cannot feel free and happy within myself. I know that all of this is bullshit, but then – when my body is taken over by this wave of depression that is what I feel and it is real. I am so lucky to have worked so much with myself and learned how to realise when I live in my mind – the problem finding (and solving) tool – so that I can realise that what I am experiencing in the moment isn’t real – even though it is so fucking real. I often have to tell Adrian in the middle of acting as my worst nightmare that I am not myself and I know that what I think is the reason to why I feel the way I feel is just an expression of what is going on inside of me, but in the moment I can do nothing but surrender to the feeling and be ok with it, be aware of it in order to not act upon it.

So this is what has happened.

Last week I took the last dosage of sertraline – an antidepressant I’ve been on for about nine years. I’ve been cutting down slowly slowly slowly since August 2017 to minimise these meltdowns and panick attacks to occur. The past three months has been great. I feel as if I have really got to know myself on a deeper level and I have learnt how to communicate and listen to my body. I have learnt that my body knows more about myself and the world than my brain could ever think up and the more I move my awareness down from my mind into my body I feel calm, centred, connected to something bigger and I feel as if I from there also can see people.

When I used to live all up in my mind I was too absorbed in how things should be and how people should act that I didn’t see the people behind the people that I met in my day. I only saw them when they were doing things or living life the “wrong” way, according to myself. People who live all up in their minds, myself included, tend to expect only perfection of the rest of the people of the planet and if they slip up we snap at them and let them know “whats what”. In order to avoid this many people put on masks and live inauthentic to who they really are. We come up with social rules so that we don’t have to think about how we should act in order for people to accept us – and slowly but surely we forget who we truly are and become a society shaped being who have forgotten how to listen in. We only hear our thoughts and rules. We search for all the answers out there, in the world – as if someone else can tell you what your body is trying to communicate with you. We numb our emotions, feelings, chemical messages with all these drugs, pain killers etc and we have stopped believing that the body actually can communicate with us. We brush that off as mumbo jumbo whilst we wonder why we have acid reflux and shove some pills down that might temporarily soothe the acid reflux for a day. Alternatively we could do it the mumbo jumbo way and ask our bodies what it is trying to communicate through that acid reflux – could it be something we do on a regular basis that might not be of favour for our stomachs? We have completely surrendered our bodies to the modern world and we seem to think that we can put all these chemically and hormone pumped food into it, pump it full of sugar and other inflammation inhibiting substances and then get a shock when we actually feel sick or lethargic.

We step into the roles of victims and think that this state of mind we end up in, or whatever happens to our body happens out of the blue and we take no responsibility for it. Instead we go to the doctors and say “why me?” and the doctors say “poor you, here take this and that for this and that” (not knowing (?) or ignoring (?) the chain reaction of side effects) and we go home with our new prescription and swallow it down with something that will definitely not soothe the acic reflux, but hey, we got a pill that will fix that now…

This is the way I have lived my life up until a few years ago when I actually started to believe in the fact that my body is not just a stupid… body. It is alive and it is essentially natural. I started to ask myself what would happen to any other animal if we started to feed them what we feed ourselves and our children and it is just so obvious that they would get sick and probably live shorter and less happy lives – because it is not what they are “supposed to” eat. Imagine giving your dog or cat ibuprofen or whatever, on a regular basis. That just seems so stupid, yet we do it to ourselves.

I wonder what would happen if you took two identical twins and taught one how to listen and live in a relationship to her body and the other one to live by the truths of today, with no faith in her body and soul and just feed it through the mind and what all the authorities tell us is right. The outcome is so clear to me.

So, I’ve gone off my pills and the after waves are making me question my whole existence from time to time but with every meltdown I learn something new about myself and the world and even though I feel like dying for a couple of hours with each meltdown I am actually not afraid of them anymore. In the times of panic and darkness I always seem to find the questions I need to be asking myself.

365 days

Life is a strange happening. Full of them. The happenings. Lately I’ve experienced emotions and thoughts that have taken me away from seeing the beauty in these happenings, or sometimes not even seeing them at all. I’ve seen and experienced a complete pointlessness and that is a scary place to be. These have just been in short bursts, often followed by complete fulfilment of life itself and short after I know exactly what is important to me in life. It is like I am a snake shedding skin. In those moments, when I have finally gotten so tired of what is happening in my mind and body and I am left with a willingness to completely surrender, and I have done just that, surrendered. In thinking FUCK IT, let it come, whatever it is, I’ve felt that the surrendering to whatever have unknotted the knot.

I have understood now that calm comes from not resisting anything. I feel something uncomfortable in my body and I whisper yes to it (like the crazy person I am but it actually makes me feel like weights falling off my shoulders and that friction just seize to exist with every little yes and allowing-ness). I don’t go towards something I go with everything. Just these small changes in how I word for myself what I do and how I live actually make me feel physically different when I… live. I fall back and simply follow, go with, surrender, trust and let gravity deal with the rest. It has given me a huge feeling of lightness and ease.

I was invited to do a writing exercise by one of the most inspiring woman, Claudia Whitney; If I had 365 days to live what would I do.

I would sell everything I own and fly my family here from Sweden to live by my side. We would buy a minibus and drive through Australia like we used to do though Europe when I was young, and stop at fun motels, hotels, and caravan parks. We would explore our mind, bodies and Australia at the same time and I would adopt an old pug that could sit on my lap. We would stop on the road and eat fun meals, and pack lunches where we had the utilities to make it ourselves. I would get massages, swim naked (because it  feels so different), smoke a pipe and write great stories about real life and cute people. Stories that could inspire people to appreciate that life is happening here and now, because then I would really live day by day. I would throw away my phone – No I wouldn’t because I love spotify and my hormone apps.

The thing is that this exercise made me realise everything that I really don’t need in life which cleared up a lot about what I do need and what I really do care about. I have been listing to my thought and let them dominate my wants and needs for too long and it is great to understand that the mind thinks that I need everything – new things – all the time, and that I need to do do do, but my body and being need almost nothing to be happy, it only needs to be felt and cared for. My body is saying; be be be.

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

The Butterfly Foundation

In my search for things to do with and in my life, that will make me feel as if I am doing something that is spreading good, love and happiness in this world I came across The Butterfly Foundation. It is an eating disorder organization and they work with boys and girls who are and have lived through an eating disorder. They also work with basically anyone who need support in this area such as families, care takers, partners etc. I love how this organization work, through sharing stories with purpose and through the stories generate hope and community.

Through attending The Butterfly Foundations story telling workshop I learned a lot about myself and others, and I learned that there are so many genuinely nice and caring people out in this world who are spending all their lives trying to help others go through what they’ve been through themselves.

This experience left me truly inspired and hopeful to find a path for myself as I now know that such places exist! Last but not least, it left me with a feeling of excitement that this is also what the world can be like; a world where we simply care for others and do our job to help where help is needed. It is such a beautiful thing to be in a room with people who genuinely just care about others. <3

Here is a link to my story:

https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/understand-eating-disorders/share-your-story/stories/view/57 

SIGNED, SEALED & Free the girl – Ready to be delivered!

Get it here (only available as an E-book at this stage, hard-copy lovers have to wait a few weeks. The only difference will be that the E-book contains photos the hard copy lack):

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B074GV3DPZ or

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B074GV3DPZ

Free the girl can easily be described as a letter to my teenage self from an older sister! I’m sharing my journey to hopefully make hers make more sense a little quicker.

In this book I give you the story of my destructive ego getting silenced by love, craziness, common sense, hope and a lot of stubbornness. You will go along for a trip to emotion-land, with me and maybe learn a new way of interacting with, and get to know yourself. It is a heavy read, but also filled with a lot of light, fun, “is this actually true?”, honesty and questions for you to reflect over.

Today, almost 10 years after starting it I am finally able to publish, move on with my life BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – help young girls (and boys) out there who have lost the ability/forgot how to love & respect themselves.

After completing this book I know this about my life;

I have never, ever, in my life done anything this properly. I didn’t actually think that I had it in me. Or, let me rephrase that; I always knew I could do things properly – I just didn’t think that I would ever feel bothered to put in that extra work into something to make it the best. I have always settled with the first ok or good result to then rejected it out of my life like a little deer child. For the first time in my life I feel that I have done the absolute best I can in producing something I am proud of. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of showing the result. It feels very revealing; because now, I share with you my absolute best! And, I am presenting you the hardest times of my life and my thoughts about how I could’ve made my life a bit or a lot lighter.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self-love is out there for you, or for that teenage cousin of yours who seem to be a little more down that you think she/he has to be, to read.

This book is a perfect tool for parents who have teenagers that might seem a bit down, are drinking too much, battling with eating disorders, lack of self love or who might just need a bit of perspective on life. It is a perfect book to have and communicate through with your teenager (and they will most likely love it too since it is written in a raw but still optimistic language).

 

ALL THE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also to be found in the book)

I am filled with a lot of gratitude to all the people who have encouraged me to keep working on this book when I sometimes doubted if I am actually the right person to shine light on these self-destructive subjects. Today, thanks to all of you, I know that I am, because I feel so much for everything I share in this book, and I truly wish that it will end up in the hands of those who feel a lot, and those who know people who feel. A lot.

THANK YOU Adrian who I have accused of not believing in my capability of actually finishing something (which I realised when writing this, is just my own fear of not being capable, and my own self doubt projected). Thank you for pushing me to create something that inspires and feels good, even though my story is quite heavy.

Thanks to my brothers for letting me share our story, through my experience and to use your documentation.

Thank you Mum for providing me with so many emotional drawings (some I heard you drew balling your eyes out) and being able to stay positive, never blaming me for treating you like shit and holding my behaviour against me – because you always knew that I had, and always will, have endless love for you.

Amber Weller & Zandra Zbinden for thoroughly going through and helping me see things with a new, educated perspective.

Anthony Ross for helping me realize how shit the book once was, which made me step up and not just lazily reject it, like I normally do – before I had actually put in the hard work of editing it properly!

Temi Katonis, Tali Morgan, Isabel Westrup & Ellika Fenno for reading this in it’s early stages and give me some really good feedback and confidence to the story.

I have to give my biggest thank to someone I have never met in person but who has taught me so much about the art of writing and composing a book; Honey Reither, who I would’ve never gotten in contact with if it wasn’t for beautiful, wonderful and supportive Josephine Tang. Thank you too for helping me see and feel the value of my book and believing that it will truly help all the lost souls out there! Sometimes I almost think that you don’t live on this earth….

I also feel as if I should thank my dad for something too …for just raising a thunderstorm child without letting it get to him (almost at all).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking responsibility can be relieving

I like to get involved in stuff, and if something makes me happy then I don’t really hold back on it. When I started with Lululemon the company introduced me to a lot of cool ways of finding your inner strength and love. Totally my passion. Figuring out where I want and need to go in this world has always been a big part of being me, as it is most people’s part of being them.

The past couple of weeks though I have experienced this anger towards the company and I am trying to figure out why, because that is not how I want to feel. Through Lululemon I have met friends that I will keep forever and I have been inspired to actually get my shit sorted and live the life I want to live, so why this resentment? What is stopping me from just feeling grateful, because I do feel that too, but it takes a little bit of work to get to those emotions.

Talking about this with a friend in the backroom at work yesterday I realised that the reason to why I feel angry isn’t because I don’t like the company or that they have done me wrong, because they haven’t.

I got frustrated because I tried to find a place in the company where I could actually love being a part of it, but all I was actually doing was figuring out how I could help develop people and express myself with and through my passion. I didn’t  take ownership of the fact that I might have to go off on my own and do what it is that I love and quit using other companies as a safe place and try to make them into my passion when they are not.

Why I felt disappointed and angry was because I didn’t take my responsibility early enough to figure out what it was that I actually wanted to get out of being a part of this company. I didn’t know, and in a way I couldn’t know either without testing the waters. I tried different paths within and I got disappointed when they didn’t work out for me.

Lululemon gave me the tools that I needed to figure myself out and I believed that I needed to be a part of all of it because I wanted to keep on growing. I love the company for the personal development side of it, but to be honest I have never ever had a passion for clothes or shopping in general. The way Lululemon develop people is through the connection of clothes and sales and that is not how I can authentically connect with people or myself. I needed to realise that the responsibility for my self growth is in my own hands, not in the hands of anyone else. I don’t have to be a part of anything to keep growing. I will keep grow within because I want and need to.

I needed to take my responsibility of myself and understand that it the reason to why I stopped growing within the company wasn’t because nobody believed in me, it wasn’t because I didn’t get the support that I needed (although that might have made me stay a bit longer, so now I am happy that I didn’t), it was because I couldn’t invest all of my time and my heart in a business which main business is selling clothes when my passion lies in the opposite direction of any sales business.

In realising that I actually wanted different things from the company than I sometimes believed that I wanted I feel a lot better in my attitude towards it. Because the reality is that I honestly have no idea where my thoughts would be if it wasn’t for all the self development I have had the privilege of doing with Lululemon. Instead of feeling anger about what didn’t happen I feel clarity in knowing why it didn’t happen, and why it didn’t happen is because my passions simply wasn’t aligned with the path that I was traveling on, and I am proud that I dared to make a right turn into a completely new lane for me. I know that I am on the right track. I am so grateful for that.

I’m turning into a hippie, thank god!

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Something happens when you start loving yourself. You care. It’s like all the “whatevers” and “why not’s” turns into questions of why. Why should I do this to myself? Why expose myself to this? And why not do that, if it makes me happy and healthy?

I want to see the love in the world. I want to see health and happiness. I want people to appreciate living and see that they can do whatever they want to do with their lives. I want people to hug and laugh. Forget about stress. Forget about musts. Because most of the time, they are just made up. They are because they are, but they don’t have to be.

Everything I do in my life I do because I want to be happy. I want to explore all the methods I can use in order to elevate my happiness and find peace of mind. I’ve recently started to explore the power of the breath. Joe Rogan had Wim Hof “Iceman Hof” as a guest on his podcast a couple of weeks ago, and listening to what he has achieved with just his breath and exposure to cold is mind-fucking-blowing. I’m talking controlling his immune system, running a barefoot marathon above the polar circle and climbing Mount Everest in his undies. I started to take cold showers maybe 6 months ago and I could really experience all the amazing benefits from it quickly. The energy boost, clearness in my mind and happiness are just a few sensations I feel when exposing myself to the cold water. Wim Hof combines cold therapy with a breathing technique which essentially provides all your cells with oxygen which allows you to really get in contacts with your inner strength and emotional being.

It makes me so happy and full of hope finding out and learning new methods to control and explore my happiness and health. I get excited to breathe. I’ll keep exploring ways that can help me boost my happiness and my love for life. And sharing what I learn make me happy.

I am good enough!

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Am I doing enough or do I need to try harder?

When and how do we know that we are doing enough? I always feel like I could do so much more, but I value time to do nothing a lot as well. I don’t want to be constantly busy. I need balance. I need to pause and breath. Quite often actually. But then I see what other people are up to, I start comparing myself with everyone again and I feel like the laziest person on earth. We can do something to get to where we want to be in every awaken minute of the day, but will that actually take us further than if we do what we feel comfortable with doing? I suppose that this is all aligned with what we value in life. I couldn’t live a life where I work most days and keep working after work, missing out on most dinners with Adrian because I’m chasing some dream, because my dream is also here and now, living our life. If I’m constantly trying to get somewhere, get to the future I’ll miss out on life here and now, and that’s important to me, and to our relationship.

And I know that right now I’m living how I want to live, now, even though I know that in the future I have a dream about something else with Adrian, we will have a big house and fly business class all over the world. You know, so that I can stretch out my restless legs when I’m visiting Sweden three months every year. I’m scared sometimes that I have to choose one or the other. But how do you know? How do you know if what your are putting in is enough? Am I good enough?

I am good enough! We all need to know that. I have doubted myself my whole life, and doubt has been familiar. Doubt has been what I knew. I have never known what it’s like not to doubt. I never thought I was good enough for my friends, I never thought I was good enough for my family, I thought that I had to earn the reason to feel good through perfect grades in school, I didn’t think that I looked good enough. The list goes on and on and on. I realized this listening to Marisa Peer, actually after I started writing this post. I didn’t youtube “how to be good enough”, I just remembered hearing the name and thought I’d see what she was all about. And like the universe works, I got the answers to my questions without even knowing that I was asking. So I am good enough. I don’t have to do anything to earn the right to feel like I’m good enough. I am enough just by being me.

Of course I’ve had a bad body image my whole life. I haven’t thought that I’m good enough if I don’t look a certain way. I’ve compared myself and tried to become someone else because I haven’t felt like I’m good enough the way I am. We live in a society where we are surrounded by people who all talk themselves down. We talk about ourselves like we aren’t good enough. That’s what’s familiar. That’s what’s normal. We grow up surrounded by a reality of people who all think that they aren’t good enough. I say enough to that. I have had enough! My goal in life is to change this, and make it normal to feel like we are all good enough for this world. We don’t have to constantly do, perform, look amazing in order to be enough for this world. We are enough just by being. I am good enough. Yesterday I wrote that on all the mirrors at work, because I want everyone to know that they are enough, just the way they are.

Hard to be open minded

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One thing that I really try to work on is being open-minded. To be honest, I’m quite a closed minded person in most areas of my life, but the more I start to open up to new things and experiences I see that there is more to life than just my square scheduled reality. It is hard for me, to step outside of my everyday pattern, but every time I do so I walk away feeling uplifted and happy with myself.

But then, my square scheduled part of me doesn’t want to step out of my comfortable-ness. To be honest, it’s not like I have heaps of stuff scheduled, I more so have a lot of “scheduled time to do nothing” that I don’t want to loose. I need that time to myself, or at least my comfortable and cozy side of me need that time to do nothing. We have this amazing opportunity at work to go to a life coaching workshop weekend, which just screams “PICK ME PICK ME!!!” all over it, but because it’s a three-day thing where I have to be out in the city until 10pm I just can’t be bothered. Ant that is why I should go, I know. But that so interferes with my scheduling where it says “do nothing” on. Maybe this is super sad. I feel sort of sad when I write it. That I can’t get excited over something so cool, because it interferes with my do nothing time. Fuck it, I should just do it shouldn’t I?

It’s like a constant war going on inside my head between curiosity and safety. And I’m playing my life super safe in all areas, which part of me are sick of, and the other part of me love me for.

But I cannot always let the play it safe part of me win, because I’ll miss out on life. I have to honor my inner curiosity, and nourish it. Otherwise I’ll be one of those autopilot people who forget what it is like to actually live. I can have my routines 90% of the time, but I need to dedicate 10% of my time go to go and live outside of my safe square life. I need that to appreciate my safe place. I need that to live.

So I will do that thing, which hopefully can help figure out how to live and get more out of my life. Or not, but at least I lived out those 10% doing it.