Tag Archives: happiness

Money and old habits

Yesterday, my intention was to try and figure out how my parents have affected the way I think and behave today. But then I got so excited about describing my dad with words that I got lost. I can talk about that silent man, that introvert carriage riding spirit, forever. But recently I’ve started to understand that our unconscious carry a lot of blocks, “knowledge” and habits passed on from our parents. It’s interesting when you just ask the questions: how did your parents view money, health, the aim in life, how they deal with anger, sadness, depression. We’ve inherit so much more than just the obvious behaviours. Maybe we haven’t just inherited, it can affect us in other ways. Block our energy, make us feel guilt, shame or happiness when we do, feel or experience certain things because of how our parents have acted around those subjects.
For me, I’ve recently been investigating how my parents thoughts and behaviour with and around money have affected me. We have never had a lot of money, but we have never not had enough either. My parents have both worked full-time jobs, that they haven’t necessarily felt super passionate about, but they rarely complain about having to go to work. It’s just something you do, without contemplating it, because you have to pay the bills. Neither of them care about material things, nice brands, show off cars or anything luxurious. I’ve got a feeling that they either think that you have love, time for your family and friends or financial freedom (with outlier situations). My dad “gave up” his lawyer job so that he could spend time with the family. Because of how the way they didn’t value good brands or material things, I’ve created a feeling of guilt for wanting certain things. Sometimes I might want something, for them unnecessary’ but instead of feeling happy when I finally talked my way into getting it; I always felt guilty because I knew that my parents would be happier if I didn’t want whatever I wanted. I remember vividly how bad I wanted a tamagotchi. My parent’s told me that it’s just commercial shit (without using the word shit), and that I shouldn’t fall for the advertising. But everyone had one. So I made my own in paper. And I played with it. My mum thought that that was so cute, and for my next birthday; which wasn’t too far away, I got my real tamagotchi. I remember acting happy. But I felt so guilty for having made them go against what they believed was right. I obviously didn’t understand why I felt guilty then, but thinking about it now make me realise that that’s why.
These thought patterns about having to work at a job you might not love in order to pay the bills has followed me all throughout my life. Working so that I can be “free” on weekends and holidays. That is when I truly live. Just acknowledging how and why I believe certain things and bringing it back to how my parents acted around those things make me realise that I can actually do my own thing. I don’t have to adopt their thoughts and ways. Not all of them. There are a lot of things I want to duplicate as well. Like the way they talk to children; like they matter and understand everything, the way they always believed that children can teach adults a lot, their unconditional love and interest in their children, and how they always, in every situation put us first. I want my dads patience. He helped me study, sat down with me for hours from the day I sat my foot in school to the day I twelve years later jumped out of my high school for the last time. But when I sometimes feel guilt, or that my energies are blocked somewhere, I go back and ask what my parents thought about that and see if I’ve unconsciously duplicated a behaviour or thought-pattern that actually isn’t align with the life I want to live.
pappa

The most important person in my life, and why…

I found the love of my life. Or he found me. Or we found each other. We were both two semi-lost souls in the beginning, and we found some kind of stillness, a feeling of belonging with each other. Having someone depending on you, trusting you, wanting to create a life with you is an amazing feeling. But it didn’t come without arguments, disagreements, and desperateness. We loved each other but something made us restless and anxious. –Alcohol, and a lack of knowing what life we wanted to live.
We live in a society where drinking with your friends is what you do. So we didn’t question it. The only question each weekend was “where are we going this time?”, not “should we go out for a couple of drinks?” That question didn’t need to be asked. It was obvious. That’s what you do. But love and alcohol rarely create a safe building-ground for love. We figured that out within the first two years of us loving each other. We both started working and hated the feeling of waking up on the Monday morning still feeling tired from the lack of sleep we had got on the weekend. The alcohol had stolen our endorphins. We snapped at each-other. I often cried and wondered where my happiness was. Drinking every weekend made us unhappy.
We wanted to love. Each other and our life. That was all we wanted. All we want. So we gradually started to drink less. The benefits of not drinking  soon started to way heavier than the actual drinking, and not long after we made that change we basically quit. I don’t like to but labels on things, forbidden things can create resentment and unnecessary wants. If I ever want a drink, I’ll have one, but I rarely do. We found that Monday mornings were easier. We were giggly when we woke up. We could genuinely love. Without guilt from having wasted a whole day hung over on the couch, without anxiety, without lack of sleep, and without lost endorphins. Life got easier. Life got better. Love got better.
We started to explore and think about what life we wanted for ourselves. We sat goals and figured out how we will get there. And we support each other. Both of us agreed that if we want to be happy in life, we have to dedicate our time to what makes us happy. We don’t have to work with something we don’t enjoy just because. When one of us feel stuck, the other one help with encouragement and inspiration. We have decided that we don’t have to do anything that makes us feel bad. We don’t have to do things just because other people do them. We only have to do what is right for us, what makes us better and happier people and what is align with our way of living. If people aren’t happy with that, it doesn’t matter; because we always have each other. And our happiness as a couple is more important than other people being satisfied with us.
I look at Adrian, and I know that he is all that I need. And I know that I wouldn’t want to live my life any different if I could. <3
SMLXL

SMLXL

SMLXL

 

My body and diet; a confused subject

I love food. Most of us do. Just everything with food make me all excited inside. Melbourne is seriously the best place to live in if you like your food. I can talk about it forever. How mr Miyagi’s nori tacos make me want to slap myself in the face because they are so delicious. And their tempura broccoli. And supernormals lobster slider. The stake at rock pool. Eggplant fries at Leftbank. Matcha mylkbars vegan eggs and the orgasmic artichoke mousse balls at Movida. Just thinking about this make me feel all light headed. Fuck, that China bar buffet in Springvale. OMG.

As amazing as all the Melbourne food is, around my blowouts I try to eat rather clean. I fight many battles in my head, on a daily basis. My brain tells me what I shouldn’t eat, and my body asks for what it needs. I can wake up being happy with my body and go to bed and see a million faults with it. But the more I learn, the more happily I talk to myself and the more love I give my body, the voices of doubt and negativity gets lower.

I do work out a lot, and that makes me hungry. Sometimes I look at what other people eat and I compare it to what I eat and I feel like a rhino. I often think what I can cut out from my diet to shred that extra bit. But then I think what my idea life is. And the most important factor in my ideal life is energy and happiness. I love to feel energetic, I love to workout and I love to eat. Food gives me the potential of being the most energetic version of myself and when I start cutting, obsessing and valuing looks over happiness I fail my ideal life. How I look is important to how I feel, but instead of changing my body and thinking that a shitty percentage less body fat will make me happy, I have to work on being happy with that tiny bit of fat on my body. Because that’s normal. I’ve been super skinny many times, and I’ve never had any energy. I haven’t lived. I know that skinny isn’t happy, so why do I want to be skinny? The thing is that I’m actually happy with my body. I just have a few voices in my head telling me that I can be even happier, if I just… I just have a feeling that those voices aren’t going to bring me any more happiness. They are only going to guide me to a place with less energy, more obsessions and less happiness. It’s funny how you can be happy with your body, and sort of want to change it at the same time.

At the end of the day I eat to nourish my body. I eat to condition my body and give it all the building blocks that it needs to stay strong, energetic, happy, healthy. I eat because I love what I eat. I eat clean, raw and nutrient dense things because I know that is what my body want, and not what my brain craves. I also eat carrots.