Tag Archives: help me

SIGNED, SEALED & Free the girl – Ready to be delivered!

Get it here (only available as an E-book at this stage, hard-copy lovers have to wait a few weeks. The only difference will be that the E-book contains photos the hard copy lack):

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B074GV3DPZ or

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B074GV3DPZ

Free the girl can easily be described as a letter to my teenage self from an older sister! I’m sharing my journey to hopefully make hers make more sense a little quicker.

In this book I give you the story of my destructive ego getting silenced by love, craziness, common sense, hope and a lot of stubbornness. You will go along for a trip to emotion-land, with me and maybe learn a new way of interacting with, and get to know yourself. It is a heavy read, but also filled with a lot of light, fun, “is this actually true?”, honesty and questions for you to reflect over.

Today, almost 10 years after starting it I am finally able to publish, move on with my life BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – help young girls (and boys) out there who have lost the ability/forgot how to love & respect themselves.

After completing this book I know this about my life;

I have never, ever, in my life done anything this properly. I didn’t actually think that I had it in me. Or, let me rephrase that; I always knew I could do things properly – I just didn’t think that I would ever feel bothered to put in that extra work into something to make it the best. I have always settled with the first ok or good result to then rejected it out of my life like a little deer child. For the first time in my life I feel that I have done the absolute best I can in producing something I am proud of. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of showing the result. It feels very revealing; because now, I share with you my absolute best! And, I am presenting you the hardest times of my life and my thoughts about how I could’ve made my life a bit or a lot lighter.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self-love is out there for you, or for that teenage cousin of yours who seem to be a little more down that you think she/he has to be, to read.

This book is a perfect tool for parents who have teenagers that might seem a bit down, are drinking too much, battling with eating disorders, lack of self love or who might just need a bit of perspective on life. It is a perfect book to have and communicate through with your teenager (and they will most likely love it too since it is written in a raw but still optimistic language).

 

ALL THE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also to be found in the book)

I am filled with a lot of gratitude to all the people who have encouraged me to keep working on this book when I sometimes doubted if I am actually the right person to shine light on these self-destructive subjects. Today, thanks to all of you, I know that I am, because I feel so much for everything I share in this book, and I truly wish that it will end up in the hands of those who feel a lot, and those who know people who feel. A lot.

THANK YOU Adrian who I have accused of not believing in my capability of actually finishing something (which I realised when writing this, is just my own fear of not being capable, and my own self doubt projected). Thank you for pushing me to create something that inspires and feels good, even though my story is quite heavy.

Thanks to my brothers for letting me share our story, through my experience and to use your documentation.

Thank you Mum for providing me with so many emotional drawings (some I heard you drew balling your eyes out) and being able to stay positive, never blaming me for treating you like shit and holding my behaviour against me – because you always knew that I had, and always will, have endless love for you.

Amber Weller & Zandra Zbinden for thoroughly going through and helping me see things with a new, educated perspective.

Anthony Ross for helping me realize how shit the book once was, which made me step up and not just lazily reject it, like I normally do – before I had actually put in the hard work of editing it properly!

Temi Katonis, Tali Morgan, Isabel Westrup & Ellika Fenno for reading this in it’s early stages and give me some really good feedback and confidence to the story.

I have to give my biggest thank to someone I have never met in person but who has taught me so much about the art of writing and composing a book; Honey Reither, who I would’ve never gotten in contact with if it wasn’t for beautiful, wonderful and supportive Josephine Tang. Thank you too for helping me see and feel the value of my book and believing that it will truly help all the lost souls out there! Sometimes I almost think that you don’t live on this earth….

I also feel as if I should thank my dad for something too …for just raising a thunderstorm child without letting it get to him (almost at all).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feel calm. Be calm. Find calm.

I often wonder what I will write about when my emotional life grow stabile. When I don’t feel so little and helpless anymore. I don’t feel helpless all the time, but it is when I feel emotionally unstable that I love what writing can do to me, or for me. I can put my doubts, my fears, my anxiety in words, and in a way it then makes a bit more sense.

It is crazy what is going on inside in my body and my mind sometimes and the past week has been quit intense emotionally. I wonder what other people are thinking, not about me – about themselves. Are people just happy with keeping all their shit to themselves or do people not feel like this at all? I wonder if it is just inside my mind and chest this emotional play is on repeat? Sometimes I feel like… I am slowly weaning of serotonin and it must be effecting me again because I have started to feel things I have forgot I could feel. Some feelings are good, and some are frightening me. Either way, this time I am committed to push through – I’m getting off this numbing shit.

I am coming back

My emotions are coming back and it is scary. I am coming back. I can feel it. It is like I recognise myself again and I haven’t decided what to do with it or if I even can do anything with it. There are a lot of good parts about this, I know that, especially once my body settles. I didn’t realise it yet, but I have missed the feeling of happy-crying, I get that more often now. I cry because I feel for other people, because I am genuinely happy for them. I love that. People I don’t know that looks happy can make me cry. But I also feel scared to be with my own mind too much. When nothing happens around me my emotion starts echoing. It is like everything is rushing around inside of me, and sometimes I feel like I am having a hard time calming myself, my mind and my body down. It is a feeling of a clear fog inside. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s what it feels like. Like everything around the fog is clear but I can’t get into the deepness of my mind, I can’t reach in to my core.

I feel like it is up my throat, in my eyes, in my nose, in my chest. In my brain. I feel restless and unsatisfied – because I can’t feel inside that fog. Then I force myself to sit down, see where I am, what I have in my life that I love and I get calm for a second because I grab a hold of something concrete. As soon as I stop thinking and let go the emotions take over again. I wish that I could always feel settled and appreciative. That I don’t need anything other than myself to love where I am and what I am doing. But I always think about what could make this moment even better, what could make me feel it even deeper. It ruins many moments constantly thinking what could make shit better. Why not just love what is. Not what if. Just be.

 

I just need to feel calm. Be calm. Find calm.

Preparing to go off my Antidepressants

They might have saved my life, actually. I was in a dark hole, a black hole even, and I just wanted to crawl out of my own skin and disappear but still I wanted things to get better, I hoped for something to save me from myself. I had refused to take any antidepressants for years, the truth is that I was scared that they would make me fat and that’s why I didn’t want to take them. I wish that I didn’t want them because I believed that I had it in me to be free myself. Back then I didn’t believe in myself and my own ability to heal. Now I do.

I have been taking sertraline antidepressants since I was nineteen. I remember the day when I said to my mum that I had had enough; I couldn’t feel like this anymore. The pressure inside was too heavy to carry. I remember my doctor, Sigmund was his name (obviously), and he believed that it was a wise decision. I had been seeing him for about a year before I asked him to prescribe me something that could lift me up from the dark I was in. Before Sigmund I had seen the two ladies, Roland, The man with the moustache, the group therapy at the eating disorder centre, the anger management guy, Mia and Per; all with a different approach to handle…me.

“what the hell just happened?”

Today, in hindsight I know how I could’ve avoided the antidepressants and heal my own mind and body, but back then I believed that I knew it all, I believed that I had tried it all and nothing worked on me. I believed that something was seriously wrong with me but nobody seemed to know what. Now I know; I just didn’t love myself enough to look after myself. Two weeks after I started with my sertraline medication I remember smiling at dad in the morning, telling him some stupid joke and we both just looked at each other thinking, “what the hell just happened?”

See, for so many years, so many days, so many mornings I hadn’t been able to look anyone in the eyes. The anxiety was so heavy. Every morning I felt like I had to make myself breath or I would die. That morning was the start of a new beginning.

So what has happened since then?

Sertraline and antidepressants like that doesn’t work as an uplifter. You wouldn’t bring them to a nightclub thinking it would make you want to dance all night. Gradually it just protects you from falling deep into the black whole you have dug for yourself. So it’s more of a deep hole blocker than an uplifter. For me though I was just so excited not to constantly have one foot in the black mud and another reaching forward. I was so excited not to feel completely torn apart. For the first time I could make my body move with me, with all parts at the same time in the same direction. They united me with myself.

So what has happened since then? I mean it has been nine years and I still have anxiety from time to time. I used to have it more often in the first couple of years after I started. The thing is that it is so easy to track the anxiety now. I know why I have it, most of the times, where’s before, it was constant. After I started to eat Sertraline I still used to wake up on Monday mornings (usually) after a weekend out on the piss with that heaviness all over my body, weighing down my chest like a bag of mud. Everything once again happened in slow-motion. I’m sure that is common, the person who doesn’t get hang over anxiety after drinking, lacking sleep and eating junk is some kind of miracle or just completely emotionally unaware. I also get anxious if I stop caring about my health for a while, and/or if I start over-caring so much I forget how to live in society.

Anxiety for me comes with complete recklessness and loss of rules or when my rules take over my life completely. When I am somewhere in the middle, looking after myself and my health but not to the point where I miss out on the flow of life and try to control and be in charge of every minute of every day – I feel alive, happy, healthy and vibrant. It is a balancing act, and maybe my rope is slightly thinner than most, or I just over think everything more than others, I don’t know?

I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing

Now I feel like I am done with my medication. I don’t want to rely on them anymore. Two years ago I tried to wean off them, but two weeks in I could feel the anger come back. It’s not just any anger it is a completely STUPID anger. I get angry at my dad for breathing loud or for trying to help me or for just living his life. I take my dad as an example because for some reason he usually ended up in the firing zone (probably because we are much alike and I see myself in him). I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing. So I went back to my full dosage again, leaving the weaning off to the future.

The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state

There are a lot of things that I know now that I didn’t know two years ago, and I live a completely different life today than then. The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state. Two years ago I drank diet coke (a lot), ate a 90% protein diet including protein powders, heaps of canned tuna and other genetically modified meat, I didn’t care about the chemicals on vegetables or in supplements that I took and I constantly had something in my mouth weather it was coffee, tea, chewing gum, vitamins, coke, food or carrots; my senses and my organs always had something to work with which gave them no time to heal my body properly.

I know today that when I fast my body repairs itself. When I eat too much of anything it can cause inflammation in my stomach which can take away from or heavily affect my own levels of sertraline getting to my brain. Just looking at my diet and lifestyle back then I am convinced that my body was constantly inflamed and my body used up all the good chemicals to heal inflammation which lead to lack of happy chemicals getting to my brain.

Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore

Today I take care of my gut micro biome. I know that if I keep my gut happy my immune system and my brain will be happy. I eat turmeric, fermented food, kumbucha, broccoli sprouts and all green veggies every day to make my inner ecosystem happy and I am not scared of the good carbs. I avoid gluten, dairy and highly heated food because I know that they are cause of inflammation in my body and I have for the same reason reduced meat to almost nothing. I make sure that my body get minimum 15 hours of rest from anything other than water most days of the week. Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore and I probably have a slight hangover max 1 time every second month.

This might sound like a handful, but for me it is just the flow of life. I don’t think about all of this as something I have to do; I want to do it. It has enabled me to listen to my body for the first time and I can really feel inside when I am on the right track and when I’m on the wrong. For example, last week my body felt all swollen and tired. I had been drinking a lot of coffee and been long distance running almost every day; it was inflamed and I had to pull back the coffee and the running slightly. After two days without coffee and only stretching I felt back on track again.

So I am preparing to go off my antidepressants and start to communicate with my body for real and it scares me, but I know that I want to rely on nothing. I know that my body has got what it takes inside and it is up to myself to give it the tools that it needs to do its job.

Back then, almost ten years ago, when I started with my medication it did save my life because I knew nothing about my body’s own defence. I didn’t know that even breathing deeply (Wim Hof style) could help my brain and body heal. I did everything wrong but I did what I knew to do. I don’t regret starting with the medication at all, but with the knowledge I have today I need to trust that my body is its own pharmacy and I am excited to finally be able to rely on only myself to be happy.

 

If anyone has any experience with this, I would be so excited to hear what you have to say!