Tag Archives: love

365 days

Life is a strange happening. Full of them. The happenings. Lately I’ve experienced emotions and thoughts that have taken me away from seeing the beauty in these happenings, or sometimes not even seeing them at all. I’ve seen and experienced a complete pointlessness and that is a scary place to be. These have just been in short bursts, often followed by complete fulfilment of life itself and short after I know exactly what is important to me in life. It is like I am a snake shedding skin. In those moments, when I have finally gotten so tired of what is happening in my mind and body and I am left with a willingness to completely surrender, and I have done just that, surrendered. In thinking FUCK IT, let it come, whatever it is, I’ve felt that the surrendering to whatever have unknotted the knot.

I have understood now that calm comes from not resisting anything. I feel something uncomfortable in my body and I whisper yes to it (like the crazy person I am but it actually makes me feel like weights falling off my shoulders and that friction just seize to exist with every little yes and allowing-ness). I don’t go towards something I go with everything. Just these small changes in how I word for myself what I do and how I live actually make me feel physically different when I… live. I fall back and simply follow, go with, surrender, trust and let gravity deal with the rest. It has given me a huge feeling of lightness and ease.

I was invited to do a writing exercise by one of the most inspiring woman, Claudia Whitney; If I had 365 days to live what would I do.

I would sell everything I own and fly my family here from Sweden to live by my side. We would buy a minibus and drive through Australia like we used to do though Europe when I was young, and stop at fun motels, hotels, and caravan parks. We would explore our mind, bodies and Australia at the same time and I would adopt an old pug that could sit on my lap. We would stop on the road and eat fun meals, and pack lunches where we had the utilities to make it ourselves. I would get massages, swim naked (because it  feels so different), smoke a pipe and write great stories about real life and cute people. Stories that could inspire people to appreciate that life is happening here and now, because then I would really live day by day. I would throw away my phone – No I wouldn’t because I love spotify and my hormone apps.

The thing is that this exercise made me realise everything that I really don’t need in life which cleared up a lot about what I do need and what I really do care about. I have been listing to my thought and let them dominate my wants and needs for too long and it is great to understand that the mind thinks that I need everything – new things – all the time, and that I need to do do do, but my body and being need almost nothing to be happy, it only needs to be felt and cared for. My body is saying; be be be.

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

How not to be your own shadow – fight!

I used to hurt myself in many different ways. Not just strictly physical, but also with actions. I drank too much without caring for my body, I talked myself down and starved my body. I had a need to feel and look sick so that I didn’t have to deal with what I was supposed to deal with – I had an excuse and that made my life easier in a way- but not happier, more exciting or more livable. And definitely not full of purpose and fulfillment.

Reading “The war of art” made me realize why I spent so many years fighting with myself; it is so much easier than fighting for myself. It was easier to make an excuse not to start writing and expressing myself through creativity and accepting my lack of talent than actually doing something that fulfilled me and expressed who I truly was and still am.

My excuses were many. On one hand I can think of: people will make fun of me and not understand what I am trying to do, I am not good enough at doing this, I should get a real career that will get me a steady income, writing and self expression is just a hobby, I will not reach anyone with my work – no one will like/enjoy/relate to it… the list can grow endlessly. There are so many fights I have to fight within to actually find the courage to do this shit anyway; there is not just the one fight. Excuses are much easier to come up with and fall back on, and you rarely risk anything by following their advice. But they never help you to become a better person.

WHY ME?

With every move I make towards getting my book out there I fight a million voices that tries to tell me why there is no point in proceeding and “wasting time” working on it. I fight those voices mentioned above but add to them any possible doubt and that is the forces that are trying to put me “back in place” and not trust that I can do what I truly want to do. Why me, is a big one? There are so many people out there that could be doing this a million times better – it tells me and I hear it. Every day I try not to listen.

In “the War of art” Steven Pressfield call this resistance to create and the resistance to creativity. Just opening the war of art made me, from the first page, feel and understand that this force, that is trying to prevent me from doing what I love, will be there with me as a bad friend forever. But, now when I know him, I know that he is the one being insecure, scared, unloved, unfulfilled and not worth ever listening to – not the real me. He is the black angel, the bully who doesn’t know any better, and he is always full of shit.

Even though I hear him loud and clear, every day, I will not let him win over me, because I know that I will look back and thank myself for every fight I won against him. If I give in it only means that I will have to start doing this shit later in life – because this is what I would do if someone gave me six months left to live. To me it is meaningful and it gives my soul and me a purpose. That’s how I know that he is full of shit that resistance, I know that this is worth fighting for and I know that if I will not do this I will always just be my own shadow.

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.

Preparing to go off my Antidepressants

They might have saved my life, actually. I was in a dark hole, a black hole even, and I just wanted to crawl out of my own skin and disappear but still I wanted things to get better, I hoped for something to save me from myself. I had refused to take any antidepressants for years, the truth is that I was scared that they would make me fat and that’s why I didn’t want to take them. I wish that I didn’t want them because I believed that I had it in me to be free myself. Back then I didn’t believe in myself and my own ability to heal. Now I do.

I have been taking sertraline antidepressants since I was nineteen. I remember the day when I said to my mum that I had had enough; I couldn’t feel like this anymore. The pressure inside was too heavy to carry. I remember my doctor, Sigmund was his name (obviously), and he believed that it was a wise decision. I had been seeing him for about a year before I asked him to prescribe me something that could lift me up from the dark I was in. Before Sigmund I had seen the two ladies, Roland, The man with the moustache, the group therapy at the eating disorder centre, the anger management guy, Mia and Per; all with a different approach to handle…me.

“what the hell just happened?”

Today, in hindsight I know how I could’ve avoided the antidepressants and heal my own mind and body, but back then I believed that I knew it all, I believed that I had tried it all and nothing worked on me. I believed that something was seriously wrong with me but nobody seemed to know what. Now I know; I just didn’t love myself enough to look after myself. Two weeks after I started with my sertraline medication I remember smiling at dad in the morning, telling him some stupid joke and we both just looked at each other thinking, “what the hell just happened?”

See, for so many years, so many days, so many mornings I hadn’t been able to look anyone in the eyes. The anxiety was so heavy. Every morning I felt like I had to make myself breath or I would die. That morning was the start of a new beginning.

So what has happened since then?

Sertraline and antidepressants like that doesn’t work as an uplifter. You wouldn’t bring them to a nightclub thinking it would make you want to dance all night. Gradually it just protects you from falling deep into the black whole you have dug for yourself. So it’s more of a deep hole blocker than an uplifter. For me though I was just so excited not to constantly have one foot in the black mud and another reaching forward. I was so excited not to feel completely torn apart. For the first time I could make my body move with me, with all parts at the same time in the same direction. They united me with myself.

So what has happened since then? I mean it has been nine years and I still have anxiety from time to time. I used to have it more often in the first couple of years after I started. The thing is that it is so easy to track the anxiety now. I know why I have it, most of the times, where’s before, it was constant. After I started to eat Sertraline I still used to wake up on Monday mornings (usually) after a weekend out on the piss with that heaviness all over my body, weighing down my chest like a bag of mud. Everything once again happened in slow-motion. I’m sure that is common, the person who doesn’t get hang over anxiety after drinking, lacking sleep and eating junk is some kind of miracle or just completely emotionally unaware. I also get anxious if I stop caring about my health for a while, and/or if I start over-caring so much I forget how to live in society.

Anxiety for me comes with complete recklessness and loss of rules or when my rules take over my life completely. When I am somewhere in the middle, looking after myself and my health but not to the point where I miss out on the flow of life and try to control and be in charge of every minute of every day – I feel alive, happy, healthy and vibrant. It is a balancing act, and maybe my rope is slightly thinner than most, or I just over think everything more than others, I don’t know?

I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing

Now I feel like I am done with my medication. I don’t want to rely on them anymore. Two years ago I tried to wean off them, but two weeks in I could feel the anger come back. It’s not just any anger it is a completely STUPID anger. I get angry at my dad for breathing loud or for trying to help me or for just living his life. I take my dad as an example because for some reason he usually ended up in the firing zone (probably because we are much alike and I see myself in him). I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing. So I went back to my full dosage again, leaving the weaning off to the future.

The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state

There are a lot of things that I know now that I didn’t know two years ago, and I live a completely different life today than then. The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state. Two years ago I drank diet coke (a lot), ate a 90% protein diet including protein powders, heaps of canned tuna and other genetically modified meat, I didn’t care about the chemicals on vegetables or in supplements that I took and I constantly had something in my mouth weather it was coffee, tea, chewing gum, vitamins, coke, food or carrots; my senses and my organs always had something to work with which gave them no time to heal my body properly.

I know today that when I fast my body repairs itself. When I eat too much of anything it can cause inflammation in my stomach which can take away from or heavily affect my own levels of sertraline getting to my brain. Just looking at my diet and lifestyle back then I am convinced that my body was constantly inflamed and my body used up all the good chemicals to heal inflammation which lead to lack of happy chemicals getting to my brain.

Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore

Today I take care of my gut micro biome. I know that if I keep my gut happy my immune system and my brain will be happy. I eat turmeric, fermented food, kumbucha, broccoli sprouts and all green veggies every day to make my inner ecosystem happy and I am not scared of the good carbs. I avoid gluten, dairy and highly heated food because I know that they are cause of inflammation in my body and I have for the same reason reduced meat to almost nothing. I make sure that my body get minimum 15 hours of rest from anything other than water most days of the week. Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore and I probably have a slight hangover max 1 time every second month.

This might sound like a handful, but for me it is just the flow of life. I don’t think about all of this as something I have to do; I want to do it. It has enabled me to listen to my body for the first time and I can really feel inside when I am on the right track and when I’m on the wrong. For example, last week my body felt all swollen and tired. I had been drinking a lot of coffee and been long distance running almost every day; it was inflamed and I had to pull back the coffee and the running slightly. After two days without coffee and only stretching I felt back on track again.

So I am preparing to go off my antidepressants and start to communicate with my body for real and it scares me, but I know that I want to rely on nothing. I know that my body has got what it takes inside and it is up to myself to give it the tools that it needs to do its job.

Back then, almost ten years ago, when I started with my medication it did save my life because I knew nothing about my body’s own defence. I didn’t know that even breathing deeply (Wim Hof style) could help my brain and body heal. I did everything wrong but I did what I knew to do. I don’t regret starting with the medication at all, but with the knowledge I have today I need to trust that my body is its own pharmacy and I am excited to finally be able to rely on only myself to be happy.

 

If anyone has any experience with this, I would be so excited to hear what you have to say!

I am so proud of you, my Adrian!

I have to write about this, because it makes me so extremely happy, proud and excited. Adrian and I have always had plans and big dreams together. We both know what each others dreams are and the support is always there to work with and towards each those dreams, knowing that they are actually the reality if we live in them, towards them and with them.

I remember walking along the streets where we now live together, four years ago when we had only been a couple for a few of weeks, and I asked Adrian what his dream job would be, if he could do anything in the whole world.

He didn’t hesitate for more than a second before he said that he would be a professional punter. He then went on to tell me how the market had changed and now it was all these reasons to why it would be too risky to place all your eggs in that basket. Before he started contemplating all the things that would work against him if he actually were to fulfil his dream I saw in him a person with a genuine dream and passion for something.

For now, lets just be kids.

Two years went by and we partied along together, like most couples. We argued when we were “out on the piss”, like most couples do, we both wanted the other person to know that they were wrong when we believed that we were in the right, like most couples want. We talked about our future together, knowing that we had to change, willing to do so; but not now, we thought. For now, lets just be kids.

We were both scared of “the real world” as people like to call it. The 9-5 work week in a suited up job, where we are told when to start, what to do, where to be and when to eat. We were both scared of “the real world” where the weekend and time off work is when we can actually do what we want. At that time we just wanted to live like that all the time. We weren’t ready for “the real world”. Thinking about it made us sad and stressed out. But what do you do? We had to do it, because that’s what adults should do.

After those two years of being afraid of the responsibility of “the real world” we suddenly started to understand that we only had to live in that “real world” if we chose to. There are people out there living the life that we’d like to live, where we can do everything we want to do, when we want to do it. There are people out there who take responsibility over their own dreams and decide to follow them. There are people out there that choose not to live in the “real world” and they love everything about life. The more we started to play with the idea of living our dream life together the more we realised that the only people stopping us from doing that is us.

We both had jobs, we saw it as a start, only to support us getting up on our feet. Every minute of every day we knew that we were working towards that dream. Knowing that we were working towards it made the dream already exist with us; we were already living it. And we are, now more than ever.

for once, let me step aside for a minute

We have both been working two jobs side by side. Our “the real world” jobs and our passions and dreams (our real worlds) jobs. Every day we are getting closer to our passions, because we connect with them and we believe in them. But for once, let me step aside for a minute and talk about Adrian.

Every day, every week has he gone up at five in the morning and never complained to me once that he is tired or don’t want to go work. Ever. For two years he has literally chosen to love his job at a construction site, he has chosen to learn as much as possible about the industry and about the electrical work and even though I know that sometimes he has felt as if he would rather sit at home studying his passion with the horse-races I haven’t heard him complain about it once. When he comes home he goes strait to the work I know he wishes he could do full time and I can see in the lack of brakes he takes, that he absolutely love it. It completely absorb him.

This Monday we woke up to a normal day. Adrian had the day off and we went out for a walk to get some photos developed for our vision board we wanted to put up. When we got home we put all of our biggest dreams up on the wall in front of our bed so that it is the first thing we see in the morning. The whole creation is a compromising piece and it represents everything that we love – together. The day went by and we went over to Adrian’s parents house. I did my own thing there, worked on my own projects and the next thing I knew Adrian had decided to go balls deep into his dream.

Why wait two years to finish his apprenticeship when he knew that he will never negotiate on fulfilling his dream. Why stand with one foot in the “real world” and another in “our real world” when we could both just start living, now? The life we want to live is here for us to live now and we are the only people who can live it or not live it; and we want to live it now. Once Adrian made the call to his boss, letting him know that it is time for him to focus on his own dream the whole energy in the room shifted. Finally we have all the time in the world to do everything that we want to do. It is scary; yes. But it is the good kind of scary. It is more scary to think that this feeling have had the power over us to make us not live our dream life. If this feeling didn’t exist we would already be living this life. That’s scary.

The thing is that I know that Adrian would never stop working, ever, because now his work is actually what he is interested in. It is the kind of thing he wants to do even when we are on a holiday. It is the thing he want to do on his “days off”. So why not do it all the time, especially when it will support all our dreams? Now when we are here, it’s not scary anymore, it all just make sense.

A whole new world has opened up to us, and not until now do we realise that this world has always been open to us, we have just chosen to be living in the “real world” for whatever reasons and excuses we have made up because we have been afraid of cutting loose. Now, when we both are in it, balls and all parts deep, we have received everything we have ever wanted; time and trust to actually, finally and really live.

Being yourself in a relationship!

Love. Love has been everything for me, forever. Forever love. From the moments when I couldn’t give myself love nor receive it from someone else there has been a painful hunger for love screaming with emptiness from inside myself. When I fell in love with Adrian, I was so happy, excited, nervous, sweaty and all the good feelings. But I was also scared of losing it all. I couldn’t dare just trusting that he would see what a good person I actually am, I wanted to prove it to him. I was scared of failing him and I was scared of doing him wrong. Without realising it I made it my life’s mission to be perfect for him, and if we had an argument I felt as if my whole world was collapsing. I couldn’t see that one argument is just an argument. I believed that once I’ve failed him, that’s it. I never wanted to feel as if I had done wrong.

Originally, why I finally accepted the opportunity to go to landmark was because I wanted to work on being myself in mine and Adrians relationship. I’ve found that I am happier than ever before being a part of our two-part team, it is all I’ve ever dreamt of, but still, why stop at that? Being scared of loosing everything that I have finally got made me promise myself never to be the reason of fucking shit up between us. I valued Adrians happiness higher than my own. I made sure that I could be everything and more fore him, making sure that he is always as happy as he can be. When you are with someone you always want to be around you sometimes forget to prioritise your friends, and your own will.

To make a four year story short: I have basically made myself one hundred percent available to Adrian and more or less been fitting in friends when I know that he is unavailable, always prioritising my availability to him. This is nothing that he has ever asked me to do, in fact he always supports me if I, on a rare occasion go and hang out with my friends. I both know and don’t know how it turned out like this.

Once again, insecurity is the answer. I am scared that he might need me when I am away, and feel as if I am not supporting him. I want to make sure that I can always help him out. I am scared that if I’m not there he want’s me there. At the same time I know that it is good to miss each other too.

Figuring myself out this weekend lead me to understand that I can be there for Adrian all the time even if I’m not physically available all the time. If I never make time for me to hang out with my friends, I might end up feeling alone and unhappy which would benefit no-one. I realized that it is so important for me to have passionate and exciting friendship too and I cannot take them for granted. I want my friends to know that they can count on me too, just as I know that I can count on them. I also need to make sure that I can always count on myself, because if I cant do that, I’m in trouble.

The thing with relationships are that if you end up in a world when it is just the two of you connecting with each other you end up missing out on so much information, emotions and expansion on both your life. I’ve realised that you need to connect with people outside of your duo bubble, go and collect new information, new experience to share with your partner so that you both can help and support each other to expand together.

After the landmark weekend I connected with so many people and took interest in their lives stories. I heard them figure out ways of dealing with emotional pain, I listen to them opening up completely in front of one hundred strangers. I opened up my mind to a lot of new tools, new ways of thinking and speaking with people. New ways of seeing the reality, and the fact that I could bring those new experiences and realizations back home to Adrian has also made his mind open up. Through being away from him, spending a whole weekend with strangers I could come back to him and build new channels in our relationships communication. That new openness has brought us closer to each other and I realised that if I wouldn’t have taken that time for myself, to do what I am passionate about I wouldn’t have had anything new to share with Adrian. That’s the beauty of still being able to be yourself in a relationship; you have even more to give, bring and share in the end than if you would’ve been 100 precent physically available for the other part, it’s how you actually grow together.

I know what I need to know

There are a lot of things that I know right now, about my life and the world that is my reality. I know that I have never felt this good in my body simply by learning how to let it rest and listen to what it needs, without constantly trying to control it. I know that I have never had this much confidence in just being myself, even when being myself isn’t being a part of the status quo (finally), simply by saying fuck it and stop trying to imagine what other people think about me. I know that I for the first time believe and trust that my instincts are right and the less I try to control any outcome and plan my life ahead the more abundance I feel. One after another my needs are being met, and I have to be grateful for that. I know that the more I appreciate and see all of this and everything that I have and welcome it in my life the more it will all make sense.

I know that I have taken a big step towards living a life through my passion, leaving my secure job without having an exact plan for how I will get to and land at my next destination, but I knew that I had to do this in order for me to be able to be one hundred precent me.

The only things that I don’t know right now is when, how and where, but that doesn’t matter at all to me, because I don’t have to plan and know everything before it happen. I just have to know what I know and know why I know it. I have to feel that I am on the right track, ready for the next chapter, and I know that I am. That is all I need to know. Now I just do what I know that I am supposed to do, and I trust that everything is working out the way that it is supposed to work out.

This is freedom.

Untangling my emotions

I am developing a new relationship to anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings, and I am finding it quite interesting. I realized that any emotion is just an emotion that my body is capable of feeling, I wonder how many emotions other people are capable of feeling that I have never experienced? Often my feelings appear in my body as a reaction to something that I “have to” do (I am thinking ahead, worrying or trying to control the future) or I might react to what someone has said to me. Sometimes my feelings and emotions are just present in my body without a reason that I am aware of.

Lately I have been carrying this anxiety with me in the mornings and I am trying to understand where it is coming from so that I can release it. So far it is just a feeling. I was thinking that maybe it has to do with the transitioning period I am in in my life where I feel like I sometimes have no control. Maybe it is the face that my brain is loosing control over me, and I am learning to live a free life? In that case, bring it on!

I have also been thinking about insecurity. What is that feeling really? Insecurity appears in my body when I am scared of being alone and exposed. It comes from being afraid of having nobody on your side. Insecurity is an emotion that is deeply connected to just doing what other people are doing because you are too afraid to follow what it is that you really want to do if that isn’t what others are doing. You are afraid of being alone on your journey.

A lack of insecurity would put you in a position where you can actually just be who you want to be without any worries about what other people think of you. A lack of insecurity opens up a space for trust and in trust you can find the emotional path where you can walk guided only by your own internal emotional compass.

If you forget for a second that insecurity exists, see what possibilities are opening up in front of you. The possibility of being genuinely you?

My feelings isn’t who I am; neither are my thoughts. I am trying to figure out what part my emotions and my thoughts are playing in the game of who I am. It is relieving when I can step out of my own body and just see the thoughts and emotions come and go, while I am always the same. The awareness of who I am doesn’t change with my emotions or with my thoughts although my emotions can change my thoughts and vice versa. So who am I in all of this? If I am not my emotions or my thoughts, then what are my emotions trying to tell me?

For such a long time I haven’t known what real freedom feels like, and now that I know, I want to be with that emotion forever.  The first time I truly felt free I almost got scared because so many possibilities opened up in front of my eyes. Whenever I lack the feeling of freedom I feel strangled. Maybe that is all it is. My body is pushing me towards constant freedom. If I just let it do what it is doing to me I’ll be reborn a complete free spirit.

The anxiety of starting something new

Whenever I have to put myself in a new situation in form of a new job, being in an environment I am not familiar with where something is expected of me I get really anxious beforehand. With really anxious I mean that there is this lump in my upper chest, almost in my throat and it feels like it is blocking my real emotions from living through my body. I believe that I am scared of looking stupid, scared of not being good enough right from the start. I feel lost. The thing is that when I am actually doing what I am supposed to do I usually feel fine (unless I am being starred at). The anxiety is worst before, and I keep being anxious until I feel completely comfortable in my new environment.

I am a settle in kind of person who loves being comfortable, I want to know that I know. It can be dangerous because if I am not on the case I might get stuck in places where I am not living at my fullest potential, but I am staying because I am scared of the exact feeling I just described. The heavy chest and emotional blockage. Luckily I value happiness so high that staying at a place that doesn’t make me expand and live in excitement is never an option for me.

Trying new things, and entering a scene where people who know what to do have to watch you learn is frightening to me. For some reason I don’t like learning, I like knowing. But one rarely comes without the other, so how can I overcome the learning curve without feeling this lump in my chest? At the end of the day I know that I will look back on learning wishing that I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.

There is something with the unknown that gives me anxiety. I don’t know what it is but I am so curious of figuring it out, because I think that can really help me becoming a much more open, spontaneous and control free person. I think that if I can get to the source of why the unknown scares me more than it excites me then I can flip it and live life as if happens rather than trying to constantly have everything under control. I want to enjoy the ride, not just focus on the destination sort of speak.

I remember in year four when we had one mixed class per week and we had to cooperate with the kids in other classrooms, with their teachers and in their way. This changeup gave me severe stomachache and anxiety weeks before it actually happened. And when the day came I wasn’t myself. One day we had to watch a movie with all the other kids and I cried until the teacher let me go home instead. I was so nervous sitting in another classroom, where I wasn’t feeling at home but other people were.

It is so contradictory to my whole personality. I am not at all scared of attention, rather the opposite, and social is my middle name. I’ve talked before I even left my mothers stomach. There is some paranoid element to my whole being though where I believe that people can see when I am uncomfortable, and think I am in their way or something. I am scared of people not wanting me in their space.

I am scared of people thinking that I am annoying, doing things “wrong”, being in the way. Basically I focus so much on what other people might think of me, that I unable myself to experience new things in a positive way. Instead of just being who I am, doing and trusting that what I am doing is right I focus on what other people might be thinking that I am doing wrong. But I cannot know what they might be thinking so the whole process is a waste of time. It is not my worries to take on, because if I simply just live my life, enjoying the journey, following my inner compass and trusting that I do my best in every situation, then why do I even care what others think? It actually doesn’t get me anywhere other than it will create that lump in my chest with the question “am I good enough for you?” written on it. Instead I need to realise that I will not be good enough for myself unless I start focusing on what I can do.

Life can be whatever you want it to be, the key is to figure out how to act in order for you to feel free. I want my life to be like a party, I have to stop caring what others think, because it will just make me not enjoy the actual party but look back at it thinking that “it wasn’t so bad after all”. I want to enjoy every situation in my life, help out where help is needed and laugh as much as possible. I want to be curious of the people around me, ask them questions and grow as a person. After all, I don’t want to live life taking everything so damn serious. seriousness is such a mood kill, and if it’s not life or death I do prefer doing shit with a lot of humor involved.

I haven’t quite figured all of this out yet and if you have any tips on how to overcome or deal with this kind of anxiety and worrying I would be so pleased to hear what you have to say. Share your stories. I find that just by talking about this it relieves so much of that pressure.