Tag Archives: mindfulness

From Nothing to Everything!


I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

When in doubt


The last few weeks, I’ve made a few huge changes in my attitude towards life. Some might think that it’s only a matter of time before I go all extreme again, because that’s what I do. But I don’t. Something snapped for me in Stockholm. And I’m ready to live to the fullest of my potential. In that being said, of course my past extreme living thoughts and rules are sometimes playing up in my head. I’ve got those voices telling me I’m no one without constantly being that person my rules made me. I’m no one if I don’t work out constantly. The thing is, I worked out like crazy, which was the only way that I new in order to find peace of mind, and so that I could eat and not get fat, but even doing what I was doing I constantly felt that I could/should do more. Eat less. I always felt guilty eating even when I had had a huge workout. Crazy how the brain work. You give an inch and it takes a mile. All the damn time. Never satisfied.

 I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look

I do find myself in those thought patterns sometimes. I think I should do this so that I can enjoy that… But then I stop myself, I catch myself in those thoughts and say to my brain that I have to do nothing in order to deserve food and love. Nothing. I find myself comparing me towards others. I see their beauty and I struggle to see my own, and then I stop myself. It’s ridiculous. It’s such a vain struggle I’m fighting. Even though I know that deep, deep down it’s probably not about looks, and that I don’t have to compliment my own look in order to find self-love. I have to see the beauty inside, and that’s where the solution is. The love. I know I’ve got a good heart. And I have a lot of love to give. A lot.  I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look. That’s not who I am. And not who I want to be.

It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows

So with so many big changes coming so fast, of course there are times of struggle, times of not a hundred percent optimism and giggles. But I’ve learnt now that it’s what you focus on that gets bigger. It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows. And the thing that you don’t give any attention, not give into, that slowly fades. Get smaller. Less important.

I focus on love. People. Happiness. Health. Peace of mind. That’s what I want to nourish. That’s what I want to grow. So that’s where my focus is at.

A major change in my life


Since I’m constantly trying to figure out how to live the happiest and healthiest life possible, I keep my eyes and ears open and up for new things to try. Recently I’ve learnt not to be too hard on myself, not to make up too many rules that I have to stick to, and just letting go of a few of them, or most of them, has taken me to a whole new level of contentness. Stress reducing is just a beginning to describe that process. I feel like I walk around all day waving my arms like a bird. I have time to do that. I have time to relax. I can relax in my brain.

One new, major change I’ve made the last week is my diet. My diet has, for the past 10 years consisted mainly of protein. From chicken, eggs and tuna. To that I’ve eaten a lot of vegetables, mainly those with low calories and minimum amount of carbs. I’ve been super afraid of carbs. Eating carbs have equalled guilt and the feelings of being fat and ugly. That’s the truth. I only ate carbs on rare occasions, on which I always felt guilty. Always. For 10 years.

I feel like I’m doing my body such a favour

I’ve now done a lot of research, watched many documentaries, forks over knifes for example, and been listening to many doctors etc, who has convinced me that a plant based diet with minimum amount of meet, sugar, wheat and gluten is the most beneficial diet, for everyone. For so long I thought that white meet you can eat as much as you like, and gluten is just bad for you if you have gluten intolerance or eat non-whole grain gluten. Well, I’m so convinced that that’s not the case anymore that I’ve basically have stopped eating any of that. Mind you, that is, for me, a person with quite a past when it comes to eating, like doing a 360 in my diet. Eating more carb based protein like beans and vegetables feels hundred precent right. I feel fresh, energetic, happy, light. I feel like I’m doing my body such a favour. I never thought that I could give up my high protein, low carb diet, because I would be too afraid to get fat. But I understand now that it is what type of carbs you eat that will decide if you’ll gain weight from them or not. Eating plant based, raw and fresh food is never going to make you unhealthy, ever. That is if you’re not eating 5kg of carrots every day obviously. That’s not cool either. Apparently.

I think I’m one step closer to being even happier

I’m not going to go into any details about why I’m so convinced in this post, because there are better sources of information about this than my words. But I do advice everyone with Netflix to watch Knives over forks, and do some reading. It seriously blew my mind. I’m not for putting labels on things and restrict myself, and therefor I’ll be open to all foods on certain occasions. I don’t want to feel like I can’t do things that I might want at one point just because I’ve announced myself as a vegetarian/vegan. That doesn’t work for me, and I try to avoid any limitations like that in life. But I do feel, that right now, I feel like this diet is clearing my brain. I feel like my hormones are in balance. I don’t feel sluggish in my body. I think I’m one step closer to being even happier.

The change from inside


I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

Buried with guilt

maya saci

For people who have high expectations on themselves, and who live with the belief that other people expect a lot from them, guilt can be a very present feeling. I, myself, experience feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It’s not as bad as it used to be. I think I was born feeling guilty. When I used to unload the dishwasher I could feel so guilty for the glasses I didn’t use as much as the other ones. I apologised to them and tried to make sure that the unused ones ended up in the front of the cabinet. I couldn’t and still cannot bear to lie to people. That guilt can bury me alive.

What can you do with those shitty feelings of guilt? They don’t do any good. No one benefits from them, because they don’t change anything. Guilt is usually about what has happened, therefore feelings of guilt is about the past. The past you cannot change. I suppose guilt can be present in the now, and you can also feel guilty about something that is about to happen, but the emotion is not changing the reality. It’s useless.

I usually feel guilty about the past. About shit I have no control over today. It ties up with forgiveness I believe. If I can forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past the guilt should disappear. I have to forgive myself for not living up to all my own and others expectations. It’s ok. Life happens. If I constantly live my life with guilt, I’m not living in the moment, in the now, and that’s not a life I want to live.

Forgiveness is something I need to work on. I need to understand that things people do has nothing to do with me, even if it can feel quite personal sometimes. I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I have to celebrate the fact that I’m not perfect. Because that would be boring as fuck. If I can celebrate me not being perfect, then I can understand that other people aren’t perfect, and then we can celebrate together. We can be free together. Love together.

Peace of mind


When you have nowhere you have to be, but here. And nothing you have to do, but what you are doing right now. When you can be at ease with what is happening. When nothing happens to you, but for you. When you are not constantly the centre of your focus. I’ve found that my search for happiness and the perfect me have made me very self cantered. It’s me me me. What makes me happy, what makes me tired, what makes me sad, what do I want to do. And of course, those are important questions, but not to the point where they are in focus 100% of your awaken time. The world doesn’t circle around me, and life is not ever happy when you are constantly turned inside. Happiness is when you are in sync with what is happening around you, and you have a peace of mind in every situation.

When I constantly think about what others will think of me, how other people see me, if they approve of me, I bring everything back to me. Me me me. And it’s not all about me. That’s a paranoid way of living. It can drive anyone crazy. What if I instead, turned my focus on meeting others, connecting, without expecting anything from them, and without needing anything from them? Just connecting. Weather the connection is pleasant or unpleasant doesn’t matter, it all teaches you something about yourself and others. And I can meet every person with a peace of mind. What if I could live in this world and just be at ease with myself and my brain, what could I achieve? If I didn’t plan my whole life in advance. So that the world had to fit into my plan. Me me me. What if I just did, without planning. And with peace of mind.

Peace of mind is when you do whatever you do, without constantly thinking what is next. What would life be like if you never had to be anywhere but where you are? And where you are isn’t all about you, it’s about everyone…