Tag Archives: passion

Good emotions are back!

Recently I’ve started to remember feelings that I’ve lost along the way growing up. I remember the cosiness of having a sleepover with friends, or going to camp with my gymnastic team, the feeling of being excited and a little nervous over going to dinner with family friends, hanging outside the subway station with people (you know when you just met them there and stayed for hours slightly awkward but still excided for what could happen). All these feelings of no expectations mixed with all the expectations in the world, the feelings of curiosity and mysticism when the only real thing you worried about was that you didn’t want the moment to end, somewhere along the way of life I’ve lost them. But now they are starting to come back to me!

The younger we are the less we are able to think about what is coming next and what just was. There is just here and now and an eager will to have everything you want in this moment and not a second later. That might be why it is so easy to spoil kids, because you can’t really talk to them and make them understand that just because you will not get this now it doesn’t mean that you will never get anything. They don’t think and live in the future. For them it is all here and now. That can be frustrating because in those younger day you are never in charge of much of your own will. You express it and then your parents decide if your will is relevant or should be steered away towards something “smarter”.

When we get older and we have more time to compare and work with and around all these other things start infiltrate the here and now. We start comparing the present to the past and we start to use the past to avoid shit in the future. The thing is though, that that worrying about the future is brought into the moment, which makes us unable to fully enjoy it like we once could when we were children. We think about what has to be done after we are done playing a game or what we probably should be doing instead of this or what we should cook for dinner…. All these things that has turned into musts and should in our life is blurring the present moment and I find it really hard to connect to being here and now without constantly thinking about shit I’ve been taught to think about instead.

I now start to explore, or re-explore, those amazing feelings I used to have when I was younger, before worrying took over my nature, and I almost get teary when I can catch one of those rare emotions. It is a sort of mind-gut connection where I can feel all these happy and excited little feelings pulse out into my whole system. Those are the real emotions I want to pay attention to and nurse. I want to give time to them to settle in. I welcome them. As soon as some of my should/musts/”society-thinks”/worry pay a visit I simply turn around and give space to the excited childish feeling I finally managed to absorb.

I used to think that worry, responsibility, “realistic”, “grown-up” feelings and thoughts were the once I needed to pay attention to, but I now realise that that just makes me unhappy. Why must I do certain things in a certain way just because the majority of people in our society says that it is normal? For me, happiness, excitement, freedom, living in the present and love is what I want to be normal – so those are the emotions I need to pay attention to and nurse. I love to discover that they are all still in there and I just have to dust them off and start inviting them back into my life again. <3

Taking responsibility can be relieving

I like to get involved in stuff, and if something makes me happy then I don’t really hold back on it. When I started with Lululemon the company introduced me to a lot of cool ways of finding your inner strength and love. Totally my passion. Figuring out where I want and need to go in this world has always been a big part of being me, as it is most people’s part of being them.

The past couple of weeks though I have experienced this anger towards the company and I am trying to figure out why, because that is not how I want to feel. Through Lululemon I have met friends that I will keep forever and I have been inspired to actually get my shit sorted and live the life I want to live, so why this resentment? What is stopping me from just feeling grateful, because I do feel that too, but it takes a little bit of work to get to those emotions.

Talking about this with a friend in the backroom at work yesterday I realised that the reason to why I feel angry isn’t because I don’t like the company or that they have done me wrong, because they haven’t.

I got frustrated because I tried to find a place in the company where I could actually love being a part of it, but all I was actually doing was figuring out how I could help develop people and express myself with and through my passion. I didn’t  take ownership of the fact that I might have to go off on my own and do what it is that I love and quit using other companies as a safe place and try to make them into my passion when they are not.

Why I felt disappointed and angry was because I didn’t take my responsibility early enough to figure out what it was that I actually wanted to get out of being a part of this company. I didn’t know, and in a way I couldn’t know either without testing the waters. I tried different paths within and I got disappointed when they didn’t work out for me.

Lululemon gave me the tools that I needed to figure myself out and I believed that I needed to be a part of all of it because I wanted to keep on growing. I love the company for the personal development side of it, but to be honest I have never ever had a passion for clothes or shopping in general. The way Lululemon develop people is through the connection of clothes and sales and that is not how I can authentically connect with people or myself. I needed to realise that the responsibility for my self growth is in my own hands, not in the hands of anyone else. I don’t have to be a part of anything to keep growing. I will keep grow within because I want and need to.

I needed to take my responsibility of myself and understand that it the reason to why I stopped growing within the company wasn’t because nobody believed in me, it wasn’t because I didn’t get the support that I needed (although that might have made me stay a bit longer, so now I am happy that I didn’t), it was because I couldn’t invest all of my time and my heart in a business which main business is selling clothes when my passion lies in the opposite direction of any sales business.

In realising that I actually wanted different things from the company than I sometimes believed that I wanted I feel a lot better in my attitude towards it. Because the reality is that I honestly have no idea where my thoughts would be if it wasn’t for all the self development I have had the privilege of doing with Lululemon. Instead of feeling anger about what didn’t happen I feel clarity in knowing why it didn’t happen, and why it didn’t happen is because my passions simply wasn’t aligned with the path that I was traveling on, and I am proud that I dared to make a right turn into a completely new lane for me. I know that I am on the right track. I am so grateful for that.

Astound yourself!

T.E

Such a cool thought, especially for someone who not to long ago didn’t think that one could accomplish anything real. I just realized reading that Edison quote that around us, every moment, there are things that we can do that we might not believe that we can. When we fear, we don’t trust our ability to handle certain things. Our mind put up blockages in our own head that make us believe that we are not capable of doing shit, when in fact we can do anything, if we put the effort in. The question is what we want to put effort into doing. Just because I would love to be able peel an orange without touching the peel I will not spend my time in solving that problem. That’s not my passion But once we find the things that we can do, and fail, over and over again, without loosing the passion for it, we have to see that we can do anything with it. When we want to do it, we can. Then we forget about the time concept, and just do.

Possibilities, opportunities are everywhere, we have to just open up our brain and train it to see them, and trust that we can do so much more than our mind let us believe.

My shit writing is going to get better

maya

I know that my writing isn’t perfect in any way, except in my own way. I use the wrong words, my grammar is nowhere even close to perfect and there are a lot of things I could do better. Like going through my posts before I upload them to avoid printing mistakes, to name one. But I’m semi lazy and I lean back on the fact that this blog is mine, and I like imperfection. I embrace imperfection. I don’t care about grammar as long as I get the core message across. The reality is though, that other people do. I know so many grammar-polices out there who get physically frustrated when a sentence is a bit off, or when you add or forget an “s” somewhere. Who express hate to the miss-use of the language. Each to their own I say.

Some of my goals are to be able to write for a living, and create a book. Maybe two? And I realized, when I recently got the feedback on my writing that my shit-grammar actually is a bit of a problem if writing is what I’m aiming for, that I cant hide behind my open love for imperfection all my life. I love imperfection because it is easy and I don’t have to put in time to learn the rules of the English grammar. I thought for a couple of seconds after I received that feedback that maybe writing isn’t for me, but at least I tried. Then I stopped myself. Because I do love it – creating stories with words. I’m just too scared to fail and to lazy to learn. As most of you probably have realized by now; grammar wasn’t my favorite subject in school. I realized that if I want to keep writing and achieve my goals with writing as a profession I have some work to do, and I realized that I actually want to do it. I want to learn because I want to get better because in the end; I love to write, and I want to write.

Sometimes I like to take the easy way out, I don’t want to put in the hard work, but when it’s something that will bring me closer to my passion, why would I even consider not trying to get better?

Five minutes after I received the constructive feedback that hit my stomach like a space-stone and made me doubt my passion, I signed up for an English language semester at a university, because fuck it. Because why not?

Set backs and challenges are amazing in a way, because they make you re-consider if what you are doing, why you are doing it, and if what you are working towards actually is what you want to do with your life. It make you question your “why” and force you to either give up or leave the space of feeling sorry for yourself and take you into the space of “bring it on, I’m going to do what it takes to achieve what I want.” Ant that shift my friends, that’s kind of a cool feeling.

I will never be perfect. Maybe that is perfect?

tandare

I’m in a place right now where I feel happy but frustrated. Lack of patience has always been something I’ve struggled with. I think you can see it in my posts sometimes too. Perfection is not me. I want to get shit out as soon as possible. I like that though, that it doesn’t have to be perfect before I can share it. Because that makes it more me than if everything would be perfect. Or if everything had to be perfect. That’s why journalism school wasn’t for me. They all saw things I would never see. The small things in texts. I didn’t like changing my texts. Because it felt like I had to change me into what someone else wants. I’m not perfect. And I’ve never been perfect.

I get uncomfortable when people expect perfection of me. Even if it’s subjective. Probably because I don’t really care about perfection. You know when what you do is never enough, and you can always improve. Sometimes I just wish we could settle and be happy with what we achieved. But then again, when would you grow? You grow in challenges. I’ve got areas in my life where I welcome challenges. Like with mymondaylove. I want it to last. And I get so much out of this blog myself. It’s like therapy. Like my computer, baby-David, is my shrink. With every post I’m in the psychologist office trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, and what will “fix” me. I often understand myself more when I write it down. I need to get my thoughts out of my head. That’s enough to me. They don’t have to be perfect. My thoughts.

“Even when I reach what was once was my ideal body my eyes only saw what was wrong”

Just then, when I went up to get a cup of tea, a coconut and ginger tea which is the best I’ve tried, I realized that I’ve always aimed for perfect. In so many areas of my life. In school I had to have the best grades in everything. If I had one thing wrong in a test I couldn’t be happy for all the rights. With my body. I’ve never been happy with my body. Even when I reach what was once was my ideal body my eyes only saw what was wrong. I’ve never settled. The annoying thing is that I have pushed myself through shit I don’t even care about. What a waste of time that is. Just for others to think I’m perfect. In school there wasn’t many times I did stuff for me. I needed good grades so that the teachers would see me as the perfect student. So that my grades would look perfect on paper. I wasn’t a natural easy learner. I sat and read and read until I fell asleep on my French revolution book and woke up and threw it into the wall. I hated it. But I had to do it. Not for me. For “them”. And yesterday I met a little girl, 12 years old who reminded me a lot of me back then. And she said that she can’t settle for less than perfect. I told her that I used to be like that and looking back I wish I didn’t took life and things I didn’t care about so serious back then.

Imagine if I’d understood then that there is more to life than perfect grades and a perfect body. If I could have focused on my lack of confidence and worked on how to be myself in the society without caring of what everyone thought of me. You know, I’ve wanted to create a blog since I was 15 years old, but I haven’t been able to do it because I’ve cared about if other people would approve it. If they would find it tacky, corny. Imagine if school would help people focus on not caring if people judge you, because everywhere people will. But it is only if you let it get to you that you’ll try and shape yourself after other peoples judgments. Or what you think other people would think about you. Most of the time it’s just in your own head.

What if I had tried to chase what I love, rather than what I thought would make me fit in?

I didn’t have anything then. Or I had my need to please others, be perfect in school and have a perfect body. Three things that would never happen since I didn’t have the ability to see perfection in anything I did. And then of course I had partying to escape the imperfection in my life. What if I wouldn’t have cared about being judged? What If I would’ve had the courage to be me, be with people who treated themselves and others well rather than who were the “cool” people who didn’t support anything that wasn’t “cool”? What if I had tried to chase what I love, rather than what I thought would make me fit in? What I thought would make people approve me?

Maybe this is why I have always loved writing. Because it’s the only area in my life where I settle and love the imperfection. I appreciate inconsistency in texts. I know that how I write isn’t textbook perfect, but for some reason I share it anyway. It’s the only area in my life where I don’t expect perfection from myself. And it’s also the only area where I feel free. What does that say about me? Perfect is shit and can never be achieved. Imperfection is beautiful.