Recently I’ve started to remember feelings that I’ve lost along the way growing up. I remember the cosiness of having a sleepover with friends, or going to camp with my gymnastic team, the feeling of being excited and a little nervous over going to dinner with family friends, hanging outside the subway station with people (you know when you just met them there and stayed for hours slightly awkward but still excided for what could happen). All these feelings of no expectations mixed with all the expectations in the world, the feelings of curiosity and mysticism when the only real thing you worried about was that you didn’t want the moment to end, somewhere along the way of life I’ve lost them. But now they are starting to come back to me!
The younger we are the less we are able to think about what is coming next and what just was. There is just here and now and an eager will to have everything you want in this moment and not a second later. That might be why it is so easy to spoil kids, because you can’t really talk to them and make them understand that just because you will not get this now it doesn’t mean that you will never get anything. They don’t think and live in the future. For them it is all here and now. That can be frustrating because in those younger day you are never in charge of much of your own will. You express it and then your parents decide if your will is relevant or should be steered away towards something “smarter”.
When we get older and we have more time to compare and work with and around all these other things start infiltrate the here and now. We start comparing the present to the past and we start to use the past to avoid shit in the future. The thing is though, that that worrying about the future is brought into the moment, which makes us unable to fully enjoy it like we once could when we were children. We think about what has to be done after we are done playing a game or what we probably should be doing instead of this or what we should cook for dinner…. All these things that has turned into musts and should in our life is blurring the present moment and I find it really hard to connect to being here and now without constantly thinking about shit I’ve been taught to think about instead.
I now start to explore, or re-explore, those amazing feelings I used to have when I was younger, before worrying took over my nature, and I almost get teary when I can catch one of those rare emotions. It is a sort of mind-gut connection where I can feel all these happy and excited little feelings pulse out into my whole system. Those are the real emotions I want to pay attention to and nurse. I want to give time to them to settle in. I welcome them. As soon as some of my should/musts/”society-thinks”/worry pay a visit I simply turn around and give space to the excited childish feeling I finally managed to absorb.
I used to think that worry, responsibility, “realistic”, “grown-up” feelings and thoughts were the once I needed to pay attention to, but I now realise that that just makes me unhappy. Why must I do certain things in a certain way just because the majority of people in our society says that it is normal? For me, happiness, excitement, freedom, living in the present and love is what I want to be normal – so those are the emotions I need to pay attention to and nurse. I love to discover that they are all still in there and I just have to dust them off and start inviting them back into my life again. <3