Tag Archives: passions

I am so proud of you, my Adrian!

I have to write about this, because it makes me so extremely happy, proud and excited. Adrian and I have always had plans and big dreams together. We both know what each others dreams are and the support is always there to work with and towards each those dreams, knowing that they are actually the reality if we live in them, towards them and with them.

I remember walking along the streets where we now live together, four years ago when we had only been a couple for a few of weeks, and I asked Adrian what his dream job would be, if he could do anything in the whole world.

He didn’t hesitate for more than a second before he said that he would be a professional punter. He then went on to tell me how the market had changed and now it was all these reasons to why it would be too risky to place all your eggs in that basket. Before he started contemplating all the things that would work against him if he actually were to fulfil his dream I saw in him a person with a genuine dream and passion for something.

For now, lets just be kids.

Two years went by and we partied along together, like most couples. We argued when we were “out on the piss”, like most couples do, we both wanted the other person to know that they were wrong when we believed that we were in the right, like most couples want. We talked about our future together, knowing that we had to change, willing to do so; but not now, we thought. For now, lets just be kids.

We were both scared of “the real world” as people like to call it. The 9-5 work week in a suited up job, where we are told when to start, what to do, where to be and when to eat. We were both scared of “the real world” where the weekend and time off work is when we can actually do what we want. At that time we just wanted to live like that all the time. We weren’t ready for “the real world”. Thinking about it made us sad and stressed out. But what do you do? We had to do it, because that’s what adults should do.

After those two years of being afraid of the responsibility of “the real world” we suddenly started to understand that we only had to live in that “real world” if we chose to. There are people out there living the life that we’d like to live, where we can do everything we want to do, when we want to do it. There are people out there who take responsibility over their own dreams and decide to follow them. There are people out there that choose not to live in the “real world” and they love everything about life. The more we started to play with the idea of living our dream life together the more we realised that the only people stopping us from doing that is us.

We both had jobs, we saw it as a start, only to support us getting up on our feet. Every minute of every day we knew that we were working towards that dream. Knowing that we were working towards it made the dream already exist with us; we were already living it. And we are, now more than ever.

for once, let me step aside for a minute

We have both been working two jobs side by side. Our “the real world” jobs and our passions and dreams (our real worlds) jobs. Every day we are getting closer to our passions, because we connect with them and we believe in them. But for once, let me step aside for a minute and talk about Adrian.

Every day, every week has he gone up at five in the morning and never complained to me once that he is tired or don’t want to go work. Ever. For two years he has literally chosen to love his job at a construction site, he has chosen to learn as much as possible about the industry and about the electrical work and even though I know that sometimes he has felt as if he would rather sit at home studying his passion with the horse-races I haven’t heard him complain about it once. When he comes home he goes strait to the work I know he wishes he could do full time and I can see in the lack of brakes he takes, that he absolutely love it. It completely absorb him.

This Monday we woke up to a normal day. Adrian had the day off and we went out for a walk to get some photos developed for our vision board we wanted to put up. When we got home we put all of our biggest dreams up on the wall in front of our bed so that it is the first thing we see in the morning. The whole creation is a compromising piece and it represents everything that we love – together. The day went by and we went over to Adrian’s parents house. I did my own thing there, worked on my own projects and the next thing I knew Adrian had decided to go balls deep into his dream.

Why wait two years to finish his apprenticeship when he knew that he will never negotiate on fulfilling his dream. Why stand with one foot in the “real world” and another in “our real world” when we could both just start living, now? The life we want to live is here for us to live now and we are the only people who can live it or not live it; and we want to live it now. Once Adrian made the call to his boss, letting him know that it is time for him to focus on his own dream the whole energy in the room shifted. Finally we have all the time in the world to do everything that we want to do. It is scary; yes. But it is the good kind of scary. It is more scary to think that this feeling have had the power over us to make us not live our dream life. If this feeling didn’t exist we would already be living this life. That’s scary.

The thing is that I know that Adrian would never stop working, ever, because now his work is actually what he is interested in. It is the kind of thing he wants to do even when we are on a holiday. It is the thing he want to do on his “days off”. So why not do it all the time, especially when it will support all our dreams? Now when we are here, it’s not scary anymore, it all just make sense.

A whole new world has opened up to us, and not until now do we realise that this world has always been open to us, we have just chosen to be living in the “real world” for whatever reasons and excuses we have made up because we have been afraid of cutting loose. Now, when we both are in it, balls and all parts deep, we have received everything we have ever wanted; time and trust to actually, finally and really live.

Being yourself in a relationship!

Love. Love has been everything for me, forever. Forever love. From the moments when I couldn’t give myself love nor receive it from someone else there has been a painful hunger for love screaming with emptiness from inside myself. When I fell in love with Adrian, I was so happy, excited, nervous, sweaty and all the good feelings. But I was also scared of losing it all. I couldn’t dare just trusting that he would see what a good person I actually am, I wanted to prove it to him. I was scared of failing him and I was scared of doing him wrong. Without realising it I made it my life’s mission to be perfect for him, and if we had an argument I felt as if my whole world was collapsing. I couldn’t see that one argument is just an argument. I believed that once I’ve failed him, that’s it. I never wanted to feel as if I had done wrong.

Originally, why I finally accepted the opportunity to go to landmark was because I wanted to work on being myself in mine and Adrians relationship. I’ve found that I am happier than ever before being a part of our two-part team, it is all I’ve ever dreamt of, but still, why stop at that? Being scared of loosing everything that I have finally got made me promise myself never to be the reason of fucking shit up between us. I valued Adrians happiness higher than my own. I made sure that I could be everything and more fore him, making sure that he is always as happy as he can be. When you are with someone you always want to be around you sometimes forget to prioritise your friends, and your own will.

To make a four year story short: I have basically made myself one hundred percent available to Adrian and more or less been fitting in friends when I know that he is unavailable, always prioritising my availability to him. This is nothing that he has ever asked me to do, in fact he always supports me if I, on a rare occasion go and hang out with my friends. I both know and don’t know how it turned out like this.

Once again, insecurity is the answer. I am scared that he might need me when I am away, and feel as if I am not supporting him. I want to make sure that I can always help him out. I am scared that if I’m not there he want’s me there. At the same time I know that it is good to miss each other too.

Figuring myself out this weekend lead me to understand that I can be there for Adrian all the time even if I’m not physically available all the time. If I never make time for me to hang out with my friends, I might end up feeling alone and unhappy which would benefit no-one. I realized that it is so important for me to have passionate and exciting friendship too and I cannot take them for granted. I want my friends to know that they can count on me too, just as I know that I can count on them. I also need to make sure that I can always count on myself, because if I cant do that, I’m in trouble.

The thing with relationships are that if you end up in a world when it is just the two of you connecting with each other you end up missing out on so much information, emotions and expansion on both your life. I’ve realised that you need to connect with people outside of your duo bubble, go and collect new information, new experience to share with your partner so that you both can help and support each other to expand together.

After the landmark weekend I connected with so many people and took interest in their lives stories. I heard them figure out ways of dealing with emotional pain, I listen to them opening up completely in front of one hundred strangers. I opened up my mind to a lot of new tools, new ways of thinking and speaking with people. New ways of seeing the reality, and the fact that I could bring those new experiences and realizations back home to Adrian has also made his mind open up. Through being away from him, spending a whole weekend with strangers I could come back to him and build new channels in our relationships communication. That new openness has brought us closer to each other and I realised that if I wouldn’t have taken that time for myself, to do what I am passionate about I wouldn’t have had anything new to share with Adrian. That’s the beauty of still being able to be yourself in a relationship; you have even more to give, bring and share in the end than if you would’ve been 100 precent physically available for the other part, it’s how you actually grow together.

Are we there yet?

fin

I can find it hard sometimes to appreciate where I am now because I know where I want to be. I have all these goals and dreams and it can be frustrating not to actually know how or if you will even get there. Some days I’m so convinced that I’ll make it, whatever “it” might be. And some days I just feel flat, wondering what the hell I’m doing with myself. I suppose this isn’t rare, and I suppose we all doubt ourselves from time to time. But how do we snap out of it?

I can get upset when people tell me to be grateful for what I actually have, in this moment. I have a job where I work with some of the funniest people I’ve ever met, I’ve got the best man in the world who make me feel safe and loved, and who I love so much I want to live on the other side of the world from my family and friends. I’ve now got two families who I love. I’ve got an apartment I love. And I should be grateful that I actually have goals and dreams. When I moved to Australia I had no idea what I even wanted to do with my life. I applied for like a million receptionist roles because that was all I knew, I don’t love sitting in a reception. I had no real passions except fitness and writing, and I was too afraid to have writing goals since English obviously isn’t my first language. So even if gratitude can be frustrating when someone else encourages you to practice gratitude, the truth is that it is so powerful and true. If we choose to see it, there is a lot to be grateful for, and that will give us a boost to carry on with what we are doing from where we are standing.

Confidence boosting is also something important for me when I feel stuck. I hear myself talk me down, saying that I’m only this or only that, I hear my self-doubts and I start comparing myself with others. I see what I haven’t got and what I’m not good at, and that creates a bad cycle down to victimization. Sometimes it brings me to a point of wanting to give up and go back to wishing to win the lottery.

But then, something always reminds me of the fact that those voices, and those thought aren’t the truth if I don’t believe in them. I create the truth here and it’s up to me to believe in me. I can sit forever and think about what I’m not, or I can become who I want to be. No one want to be that person who just complain about what they don’t have, at least that’s the opposite of who I want/choose to be. So I do whatever I need to do to overpower these voices and I do what I need to do with confidence and gratitude. Sometimes I need to write a list of all the things I’m good at, or of all the things I love in my life right now, sometimes I just have to tell myself to grow the fuck up and stop wining, and sometimes I need to feel sorry for myself for an hour or two, and then create a plan of how I can stop that pathetic behavior. Different days call for different methods you see.

The bottom line is that it can be frustrating not knowing what the future might bring, but the fact is that you create your future now, and thinking of what you don’t have is not going to get you what you want. Seeing opportunities and what you do have to work with now is going to get you closer to whatever it is that you want.