Tag Archives: peace of mind

Why I need to stop identifying with my wounds!

During the last months of tapering off the “Zoloft” type medication I’ve been on I’ve come to get to know the difference in being depressed and having anxiety. I actually haven’t looked up the definition for either so this is purely based on my own experiences. Recently I have had days of depression filled with panic attacks that has scared me more than any anxiety has ever done. Not that the depression is worse, but it is definitely sneakier. I know now that I have never actually known what “depression” really is and I’ve always just assumed that it was sort of what I used to carry around. But today I’m not so sure. Throughout growing up I experienced dips, often, but it was always contrasted with extreme outbursts of happiness. This, the shit I’ve been thinking, feeling and experiencing is a whole new kettle of fish. I always knew when I was anxious because the feeling was so physical, but being depressed is like “knowing” that there is nothing to live for anymore. But then, once the depression-shadow passes I understand that I was just overtaken by depression and my lack of lust for living was just a waken nightmare. I am lucky to be so aware of the fact that the depression will pass with time, and I am lucky to not act on any scary thoughts I get once I’m in the shade. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who is alone or have no tools to use, because everything depression make you feel feels so real and it seems to take over without you noticing when, where and why.

I always say how grateful I am for knowing all different feelings so that I can relate through others through emotions. I always say that I am grateful for feeling like shit because I can appreciate feeling good even more. I always say that feeling like shit has helped me grow, a lot, and for that I am grateful. And I still am grateful for what I’ve been through mentally because it has shaped the person I am today, but I am also ready to move on and leave this world behind. Not this world, but that world. The world in which I need my wounds to survive.

Going off these antidepressants really introduced me to a new world of scary feelings and I don’t remember the last time, if even ever, I’ve felt the need to be so alone with myself. Most days I feel like I just need to be alone, I don’t really feel like meeting up with anyone, and that used to stress me out a little but I know that it is just temporary, whilst dealing with the chemical storm in my brain. I owe it to myself to not push myself too hard and if anyone would call me or think of me as selfish, then so be it. In the meantime make sure I get outside enough, I make sure I look after my body and I make sure I push myself outside of my comfort zone just enough so that I don’t completely vanish inside myself.

Now it has been a month without my “medication” and I know that it is time to come back to life. It is time to start getting up out of bed, for myself, and be excited to interact with the world around me. It is time to be excited to be alive again. I have been in my cocoon for a long time now, and I am ready (and scared) to get my life back.

I read something yesterday (in a book called Anatomy of the Spirit) that reasoned with me a lot and helped me get to this decision of getting my life back. It sort of described to me how I’ve lived my life since.. forever and through seeing it so clearly in front of me I am finally ready to let that go.

My whole life I have used my wounds to connect with people. I’ve never been afraid to mention my eating disorders, my “mental-illnesses”, my diseases, my fears, depression and anxiety as a conversation starter, an ice breaker – an introduction to whom I am. This book that I was reading was questioning why a person feel like every person has to know the pain one has been through as soon as possible and I had to ask myself: why have I always used my wounds to introduce myself? As if my wounds are the most important part of who I am… When did I decide that all the other things I have to offer weren’t who I was? Why my hurt? Why my pain? Why not my love and presence?

I have always lived as if my wounds are who I am, and in a way, they have been. But if I see a beautiful painting or a flower I don’t really care or need to know exactly what paint, type of brushes or what soil has been used to produce them. Yes my wounds are all in my history but just because they were some of what shaped me I need to realise that they aren’t what I am. I am not my wounds and I need to stop using them as my identity or they’ll be unhealed forever.

I am ready to be whole, complete, someone who understand but don’t always have to compare. I am ready to listen. That’s it. Getting off these antidepressants must be the last step for me in order to finally be free from identifying with a wounded person, a wounded soul. I need no more lessons in feeling sorry for myself, I’ve done that enough. I need no more lessons in self-pity and victimization. I am ready to be strong, happy and ready to listen and live life now. I want to be the tree other people can hang onto if they ever get trapped with a storm inside of them. That is who I identify myself with, a helper!

Free from fear (sort of) and full of hope!

Here we go again!

Today I am turning 27 and I feel so good about that! I have got a lot of optimism for this year. I’m finally done with my 9 years of antidepressants, I am my own friend and I have learnt how to communicate with my body. But still, I’ve just got that last bit to go in order to get these chemicals out of my system, and the turbulence has been real, but this time not so scary because I’ve learnt from the past episodes that everything will pass.

My anger is bubbling up to the surface again, my sadness is making itself known. I am depressed from time to time but I am not scared of my depression. Not anymore, and that is probably the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in a long time. I can allow myself to feel as if I will never feel that I want to do anything ever again until it passes, because it does. I know that this medication is making its way through and out of my body and I am okay with that. I am okay with not wanting to do things other than reed my books and watch my shows and study my online courses that I am doing at the moment. I am okay with not being the centre of other peoples lives and I am okay with exploring my inner world and getting to know myself from the inside and out. In fact, despite small tingles of guilt for not participating in the world out there I am enjoying just being with myself, I know that the world out there will still be there when I am ready to leave my cocoon.

What I am not okay with is how this detachment from this medicine is sometimes taking over my whole being and I am having a hard time not seeing the worst in other people. I feel selfish in the way I act and think about people in those moments and I don’t enjoy not feeling as other people and the world is the reason, the source of my unhappiness. I blame “them” in my head in these moments, believing that it is because of them and the way they act that I cannot feel free and happy within myself. I know that all of this is bullshit, but then – when my body is taken over by this wave of depression that is what I feel and it is real. I am so lucky to have worked so much with myself and learned how to realise when I live in my mind – the problem finding (and solving) tool – so that I can realise that what I am experiencing in the moment isn’t real – even though it is so fucking real. I often have to tell Adrian in the middle of acting as my worst nightmare that I am not myself and I know that what I think is the reason to why I feel the way I feel is just an expression of what is going on inside of me, but in the moment I can do nothing but surrender to the feeling and be ok with it, be aware of it in order to not act upon it.

So this is what has happened.

Last week I took the last dosage of sertraline – an antidepressant I’ve been on for about nine years. I’ve been cutting down slowly slowly slowly since August 2017 to minimise these meltdowns and panick attacks to occur. The past three months has been great. I feel as if I have really got to know myself on a deeper level and I have learnt how to communicate and listen to my body. I have learnt that my body knows more about myself and the world than my brain could ever think up and the more I move my awareness down from my mind into my body I feel calm, centred, connected to something bigger and I feel as if I from there also can see people.

When I used to live all up in my mind I was too absorbed in how things should be and how people should act that I didn’t see the people behind the people that I met in my day. I only saw them when they were doing things or living life the “wrong” way, according to myself. People who live all up in their minds, myself included, tend to expect only perfection of the rest of the people of the planet and if they slip up we snap at them and let them know “whats what”. In order to avoid this many people put on masks and live inauthentic to who they really are. We come up with social rules so that we don’t have to think about how we should act in order for people to accept us – and slowly but surely we forget who we truly are and become a society shaped being who have forgotten how to listen in. We only hear our thoughts and rules. We search for all the answers out there, in the world – as if someone else can tell you what your body is trying to communicate with you. We numb our emotions, feelings, chemical messages with all these drugs, pain killers etc and we have stopped believing that the body actually can communicate with us. We brush that off as mumbo jumbo whilst we wonder why we have acid reflux and shove some pills down that might temporarily soothe the acid reflux for a day. Alternatively we could do it the mumbo jumbo way and ask our bodies what it is trying to communicate through that acid reflux – could it be something we do on a regular basis that might not be of favour for our stomachs? We have completely surrendered our bodies to the modern world and we seem to think that we can put all these chemically and hormone pumped food into it, pump it full of sugar and other inflammation inhibiting substances and then get a shock when we actually feel sick or lethargic.

We step into the roles of victims and think that this state of mind we end up in, or whatever happens to our body happens out of the blue and we take no responsibility for it. Instead we go to the doctors and say “why me?” and the doctors say “poor you, here take this and that for this and that” (not knowing (?) or ignoring (?) the chain reaction of side effects) and we go home with our new prescription and swallow it down with something that will definitely not soothe the acic reflux, but hey, we got a pill that will fix that now…

This is the way I have lived my life up until a few years ago when I actually started to believe in the fact that my body is not just a stupid… body. It is alive and it is essentially natural. I started to ask myself what would happen to any other animal if we started to feed them what we feed ourselves and our children and it is just so obvious that they would get sick and probably live shorter and less happy lives – because it is not what they are “supposed to” eat. Imagine giving your dog or cat ibuprofen or whatever, on a regular basis. That just seems so stupid, yet we do it to ourselves.

I wonder what would happen if you took two identical twins and taught one how to listen and live in a relationship to her body and the other one to live by the truths of today, with no faith in her body and soul and just feed it through the mind and what all the authorities tell us is right. The outcome is so clear to me.

So, I’ve gone off my pills and the after waves are making me question my whole existence from time to time but with every meltdown I learn something new about myself and the world and even though I feel like dying for a couple of hours with each meltdown I am actually not afraid of them anymore. In the times of panic and darkness I always seem to find the questions I need to be asking myself.

The hormonal hurricane

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This Monday morning was a little harder for me than usual. This monthly hormonal roller-coaster is playing up again. Taking me for a ride. The power of choice, and the fact that I believe that we are in control of our emotions immediately gets questioned. Are we really? Do we really have a choice? When I’m crying over nothing, get fumingly angry over the smallest thing, can I control this? Can I actively choose to be calm? Choose not to get upset? Even when I feel so strongly in my body?

I’ve come to the conclusion that hormonal roller-coasters happen, and I can’t control that. I can’t control my feelings and emotions. I can only be aware of them, and be aware of the fact that I’m in my mid-cycle hurricane of hormones and emotions. When I’m being aware of my surroundings, in this case, an emotional hurricane, I can choose what to focus on, and I can choose how I’ll deal with it.

I panic because I’m scared I’ve lost my passion for life, and my passions in life

A person like me, who constantly try to search for happiness in every situation struggle a bit with this. And my initial feelings towards this hurricane is panic. I panic because this is not how I recognize myself. I panic because I’m scared I’ve lost my passion for life, and my passions in life. Nothing feels magnetic to me. I’m scared because I’m angry. I’m angry because I’m scared.

But then I remember. This happens every month. Although it’s not as strong and windy every month, it happens. Even though it doesn’t feel like I’ll bounce out of bed ever again, or feel those bubbles of happiness in my body and brain, the smart part of my brain knows that this is a temporary storm. This too will pass. Why not try to find some enjoyment and calm in this hormonal chaos?

I might not be able to choose my emotions, or feelings, but I can choose what I’ll do with them

After I’d been angry, I cried. And then I had to get my blood flow up. I knew that I needed to make my heart pump. I could feel it. I think it told me. Immediately after just jumping up and down a little (which was hard to do at start because my brain and tortured face did not feel like bouncing at all) and my heart started pumping and my breath got deeper and faster, I could breathe. I might not be able to choose my emotions, or feelings, but I can choose what I’ll do with them. I can allow them to go through my system, release them, but then also let go of them.

Sometimes it is hard to let go of feelings of anger and sadness, but I’ve learnt that you just have to snap out of it. Change walking pace, change living pace, get in a cold shower, jump up or down a little. Juts chock your body and mind, and then return to that peace of mind that is happy even though you’re emotions might not be. Peace of mind let you experience and allow all emotions, and make the best out of them, with happiness even in sadness or anger. Emotions are all a part of life. All of them equally important. Or happiness might be slightly more important…. I think.

Peace of mind

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When you have nowhere you have to be, but here. And nothing you have to do, but what you are doing right now. When you can be at ease with what is happening. When nothing happens to you, but for you. When you are not constantly the centre of your focus. I’ve found that my search for happiness and the perfect me have made me very self cantered. It’s me me me. What makes me happy, what makes me tired, what makes me sad, what do I want to do. And of course, those are important questions, but not to the point where they are in focus 100% of your awaken time. The world doesn’t circle around me, and life is not ever happy when you are constantly turned inside. Happiness is when you are in sync with what is happening around you, and you have a peace of mind in every situation.

When I constantly think about what others will think of me, how other people see me, if they approve of me, I bring everything back to me. Me me me. And it’s not all about me. That’s a paranoid way of living. It can drive anyone crazy. What if I instead, turned my focus on meeting others, connecting, without expecting anything from them, and without needing anything from them? Just connecting. Weather the connection is pleasant or unpleasant doesn’t matter, it all teaches you something about yourself and others. And I can meet every person with a peace of mind. What if I could live in this world and just be at ease with myself and my brain, what could I achieve? If I didn’t plan my whole life in advance. So that the world had to fit into my plan. Me me me. What if I just did, without planning. And with peace of mind.

Peace of mind is when you do whatever you do, without constantly thinking what is next. What would life be like if you never had to be anywhere but where you are? And where you are isn’t all about you, it’s about everyone…