Tag Archives: self love

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

Can a life without booze be exciting?

Here is a link to a blogpost I wrote for the Hellosundaymorning community! For you who haven´t heard about it it is similar to Facebook and Linkedin but for people who are becoming aware of their relationship to alcohol. This is such a good meeting-place for those who are struggling with addiction or simply want to change their priorities in life!

Have a read here:

https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/2017/12/04/finding-self-love/

Always  love, Maya

SIGNED, SEALED & Free the girl – Ready to be delivered!

Get it here (only available as an E-book at this stage, hard-copy lovers have to wait a few weeks. The only difference will be that the E-book contains photos the hard copy lack):

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B074GV3DPZ or

https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B074GV3DPZ

Free the girl can easily be described as a letter to my teenage self from an older sister! I’m sharing my journey to hopefully make hers make more sense a little quicker.

In this book I give you the story of my destructive ego getting silenced by love, craziness, common sense, hope and a lot of stubbornness. You will go along for a trip to emotion-land, with me and maybe learn a new way of interacting with, and get to know yourself. It is a heavy read, but also filled with a lot of light, fun, “is this actually true?”, honesty and questions for you to reflect over.

Today, almost 10 years after starting it I am finally able to publish, move on with my life BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY – help young girls (and boys) out there who have lost the ability/forgot how to love & respect themselves.

After completing this book I know this about my life;

I have never, ever, in my life done anything this properly. I didn’t actually think that I had it in me. Or, let me rephrase that; I always knew I could do things properly – I just didn’t think that I would ever feel bothered to put in that extra work into something to make it the best. I have always settled with the first ok or good result to then rejected it out of my life like a little deer child. For the first time in my life I feel that I have done the absolute best I can in producing something I am proud of. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of showing the result. It feels very revealing; because now, I share with you my absolute best! And, I am presenting you the hardest times of my life and my thoughts about how I could’ve made my life a bit or a lot lighter.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self-love is out there for you, or for that teenage cousin of yours who seem to be a little more down that you think she/he has to be, to read.

This book is a perfect tool for parents who have teenagers that might seem a bit down, are drinking too much, battling with eating disorders, lack of self love or who might just need a bit of perspective on life. It is a perfect book to have and communicate through with your teenager (and they will most likely love it too since it is written in a raw but still optimistic language).

 

ALL THE THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also to be found in the book)

I am filled with a lot of gratitude to all the people who have encouraged me to keep working on this book when I sometimes doubted if I am actually the right person to shine light on these self-destructive subjects. Today, thanks to all of you, I know that I am, because I feel so much for everything I share in this book, and I truly wish that it will end up in the hands of those who feel a lot, and those who know people who feel. A lot.

THANK YOU Adrian who I have accused of not believing in my capability of actually finishing something (which I realised when writing this, is just my own fear of not being capable, and my own self doubt projected). Thank you for pushing me to create something that inspires and feels good, even though my story is quite heavy.

Thanks to my brothers for letting me share our story, through my experience and to use your documentation.

Thank you Mum for providing me with so many emotional drawings (some I heard you drew balling your eyes out) and being able to stay positive, never blaming me for treating you like shit and holding my behaviour against me – because you always knew that I had, and always will, have endless love for you.

Amber Weller & Zandra Zbinden for thoroughly going through and helping me see things with a new, educated perspective.

Anthony Ross for helping me realize how shit the book once was, which made me step up and not just lazily reject it, like I normally do – before I had actually put in the hard work of editing it properly!

Temi Katonis, Tali Morgan, Isabel Westrup & Ellika Fenno for reading this in it’s early stages and give me some really good feedback and confidence to the story.

I have to give my biggest thank to someone I have never met in person but who has taught me so much about the art of writing and composing a book; Honey Reither, who I would’ve never gotten in contact with if it wasn’t for beautiful, wonderful and supportive Josephine Tang. Thank you too for helping me see and feel the value of my book and believing that it will truly help all the lost souls out there! Sometimes I almost think that you don’t live on this earth….

I also feel as if I should thank my dad for something too …for just raising a thunderstorm child without letting it get to him (almost at all).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One month to book publishing!

In a month I am ready to publish my first book… I have been sort of ready to publish for a while but it hasn’t felt right and I haven’t really been able to adress why. My grammar and spelling has held me back a little and I have found it quite challenging to work for completion, I have never published a book before, after all. Luckily I got introduced to an editor who completely get what I am trying to put out there. She is really questioning things that needs to be questioned, questions that I have forgot how to ask. Her level of amazingness is indescribable. And the fact that she is giving me gentle pushes to help me believe that what I am saying is worth saying is worth everything. The help she has given me leave me feeling like I can not thank her enough – I can only hope that one day I can help someone in the way she has helped me.

Free the girl – a story about (finding) self love is partly a story about the desperate, anxious and self-hating teenager/young adult I used to be, but in this story I go back in time, with things I’ve learnt in life, and help my younger self to see the other solutions in situations where I believed I was completely trapped. I help myself see the good sides, and all the beautiful things around me that I was too wrapped up in myself to see then.

It is a self help book, even though I feel a little awkward calling it that, I have to address it for what it is. But it is not only that; it is also a story about life, addictions, love, insecurity, desperation and hope. It is written for that teenager I couldn’t help, who wanted to pull her own hair out of sadness, anger and panic – and also for the person I am today. If I wouldn’t have taken the time to sit down and try to put my actions, mistakes and realisations down in words, I believe that I would have still felt more lost than I am today.

It has been a weird experience writing this book, because I started writing it when I was only 17. I knew then that the way I had treated myself and my body was horrible, but then I just knew to change one bad behaviour for another. I suppose leaving a bad habit behind is progress, but is it actually progress if what you are using to break a bad habit is equally bad? Depends how you look at it I suppose.

In this book I try to address those patterns and the “why’s” and reasons behind the self torturing I have been busy acting out and then I am suggesting alternative ways to go about a problem. It’s not just a story about why shit went shit, it is a story about shit and then a suggestion to how shit could’ve gone differently. Essentially it is a story about making something good out of shit.

Free the girl  is a book I would’ve loved to read when I was 17 years old – thats why I am writing it. It would’ve given me some inspiration to dream about things other than shit and it would’ve helped me to start play with the idea that I am actually a person who is worth feeling loved. It is quite funny thinking about all the things I wished that I knew then that I now know, and hopefully I can pass those knowings and realisations on to teenagers out there who, like I was, feels like life is just a little too overwhelming and suffocating to move in, but who want nothing more than just feel excited to live it.

Prison or Freedom?

Feelings come and they go, some scare or ruff me up a little and some make me feel like magic is to be alive. I think that I have been able to identify the past couple of months episode of anxiousness and flatness. Don’t get me wrong – it’s nothing constant. Most of the time I have faith and belief in myself that I am on the right track doing my thing, but sometimes it just feels like it is taking forever. When I start feeling like that, like it is taking too long to get on to the road I want to be on and I find it hard to feel as if I’m actually on the right track. I simply start questioning if I’ve got it in me.
The thing is that I know that I am doing the right thing but I think that I might need some help and I don’t know where to find it. Yet. I know that it will find me or I will find it, but then I start to question if it will or if there is more I can do. There is always more you can do, but how do you know what to do when you don’t know what to do?

I thought about prison the other day and I can understand how some people find it easier to live in there because they would know exactly what’s expected of them. If they don’t live up to it – someone will make them understand what it is that they need to do. The same concept can be found in schools and in a normal 9-5 job that you are expected to attend to. In a way that is a little bit like a prison too. If you just look at the structure of it – it is a prison, or at least a life with one of those GPS things around your ankle. It doesn’t mean that you cannot like it – I loved school for example because then and there I knew what I had to do know if I was on the “right” track. My grades told me if what I was doing was working. School didn’t prepare me for a life outside of these structures though, most likely because the people who create the school programs live a life by these rules too. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t – that’s not the point.

Today, the idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay until I’m aloud to leave gives me anxiety. But so does being where I am at the moment – because I have no guarantee that I am capable of being independent, I have no grades that shows me if what I am doing is working. I am scared of the unknown and I am scared that I am too lazy to think and act for myself but at the same time I am even more scared of the thought of knowing what my days will look like for the rest of my life. I am not interested in numbers and businesses and I am not interested in being in charge of people. I am not interested in advertising myself. What I am interested in is this – what I am doing right now, in this moment when I am writing this – this is what makes my time fly.

So yes, I have identified my source of anxiety, I think, and that feels relievingly great. It is called uncertainty, which is a form of lack of confidence, and I believe that the only thing that I can do to help myself out of this is to keep on keepin on and make sure that I am moving forward with what I am passionate about. At least when I feel that uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing I know that I am not in prison, because if I was, I would know exactly what was expected of me. In the end, my anxiety from having to be somewhere every day is much scarier than the anxiety of not knowing where to be at all.

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.

Preparing to go off my Antidepressants

They might have saved my life, actually. I was in a dark hole, a black hole even, and I just wanted to crawl out of my own skin and disappear but still I wanted things to get better, I hoped for something to save me from myself. I had refused to take any antidepressants for years, the truth is that I was scared that they would make me fat and that’s why I didn’t want to take them. I wish that I didn’t want them because I believed that I had it in me to be free myself. Back then I didn’t believe in myself and my own ability to heal. Now I do.

I have been taking sertraline antidepressants since I was nineteen. I remember the day when I said to my mum that I had had enough; I couldn’t feel like this anymore. The pressure inside was too heavy to carry. I remember my doctor, Sigmund was his name (obviously), and he believed that it was a wise decision. I had been seeing him for about a year before I asked him to prescribe me something that could lift me up from the dark I was in. Before Sigmund I had seen the two ladies, Roland, The man with the moustache, the group therapy at the eating disorder centre, the anger management guy, Mia and Per; all with a different approach to handle…me.

“what the hell just happened?”

Today, in hindsight I know how I could’ve avoided the antidepressants and heal my own mind and body, but back then I believed that I knew it all, I believed that I had tried it all and nothing worked on me. I believed that something was seriously wrong with me but nobody seemed to know what. Now I know; I just didn’t love myself enough to look after myself. Two weeks after I started with my sertraline medication I remember smiling at dad in the morning, telling him some stupid joke and we both just looked at each other thinking, “what the hell just happened?”

See, for so many years, so many days, so many mornings I hadn’t been able to look anyone in the eyes. The anxiety was so heavy. Every morning I felt like I had to make myself breath or I would die. That morning was the start of a new beginning.

So what has happened since then?

Sertraline and antidepressants like that doesn’t work as an uplifter. You wouldn’t bring them to a nightclub thinking it would make you want to dance all night. Gradually it just protects you from falling deep into the black whole you have dug for yourself. So it’s more of a deep hole blocker than an uplifter. For me though I was just so excited not to constantly have one foot in the black mud and another reaching forward. I was so excited not to feel completely torn apart. For the first time I could make my body move with me, with all parts at the same time in the same direction. They united me with myself.

So what has happened since then? I mean it has been nine years and I still have anxiety from time to time. I used to have it more often in the first couple of years after I started. The thing is that it is so easy to track the anxiety now. I know why I have it, most of the times, where’s before, it was constant. After I started to eat Sertraline I still used to wake up on Monday mornings (usually) after a weekend out on the piss with that heaviness all over my body, weighing down my chest like a bag of mud. Everything once again happened in slow-motion. I’m sure that is common, the person who doesn’t get hang over anxiety after drinking, lacking sleep and eating junk is some kind of miracle or just completely emotionally unaware. I also get anxious if I stop caring about my health for a while, and/or if I start over-caring so much I forget how to live in society.

Anxiety for me comes with complete recklessness and loss of rules or when my rules take over my life completely. When I am somewhere in the middle, looking after myself and my health but not to the point where I miss out on the flow of life and try to control and be in charge of every minute of every day – I feel alive, happy, healthy and vibrant. It is a balancing act, and maybe my rope is slightly thinner than most, or I just over think everything more than others, I don’t know?

I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing

Now I feel like I am done with my medication. I don’t want to rely on them anymore. Two years ago I tried to wean off them, but two weeks in I could feel the anger come back. It’s not just any anger it is a completely STUPID anger. I get angry at my dad for breathing loud or for trying to help me or for just living his life. I take my dad as an example because for some reason he usually ended up in the firing zone (probably because we are much alike and I see myself in him). I couldn’t go back to that person who gets annoyed at nothing. So I went back to my full dosage again, leaving the weaning off to the future.

The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state

There are a lot of things that I know now that I didn’t know two years ago, and I live a completely different life today than then. The most important thing is that I know how much nutrition, probiotic and the right type of fibre and food can affect your whole mental state. Two years ago I drank diet coke (a lot), ate a 90% protein diet including protein powders, heaps of canned tuna and other genetically modified meat, I didn’t care about the chemicals on vegetables or in supplements that I took and I constantly had something in my mouth weather it was coffee, tea, chewing gum, vitamins, coke, food or carrots; my senses and my organs always had something to work with which gave them no time to heal my body properly.

I know today that when I fast my body repairs itself. When I eat too much of anything it can cause inflammation in my stomach which can take away from or heavily affect my own levels of sertraline getting to my brain. Just looking at my diet and lifestyle back then I am convinced that my body was constantly inflamed and my body used up all the good chemicals to heal inflammation which lead to lack of happy chemicals getting to my brain.

Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore

Today I take care of my gut micro biome. I know that if I keep my gut happy my immune system and my brain will be happy. I eat turmeric, fermented food, kumbucha, broccoli sprouts and all green veggies every day to make my inner ecosystem happy and I am not scared of the good carbs. I avoid gluten, dairy and highly heated food because I know that they are cause of inflammation in my body and I have for the same reason reduced meat to almost nothing. I make sure that my body get minimum 15 hours of rest from anything other than water most days of the week. Drinking alcohol is not a part of my weekly ritual anymore and I probably have a slight hangover max 1 time every second month.

This might sound like a handful, but for me it is just the flow of life. I don’t think about all of this as something I have to do; I want to do it. It has enabled me to listen to my body for the first time and I can really feel inside when I am on the right track and when I’m on the wrong. For example, last week my body felt all swollen and tired. I had been drinking a lot of coffee and been long distance running almost every day; it was inflamed and I had to pull back the coffee and the running slightly. After two days without coffee and only stretching I felt back on track again.

So I am preparing to go off my antidepressants and start to communicate with my body for real and it scares me, but I know that I want to rely on nothing. I know that my body has got what it takes inside and it is up to myself to give it the tools that it needs to do its job.

Back then, almost ten years ago, when I started with my medication it did save my life because I knew nothing about my body’s own defence. I didn’t know that even breathing deeply (Wim Hof style) could help my brain and body heal. I did everything wrong but I did what I knew to do. I don’t regret starting with the medication at all, but with the knowledge I have today I need to trust that my body is its own pharmacy and I am excited to finally be able to rely on only myself to be happy.

 

If anyone has any experience with this, I would be so excited to hear what you have to say!

Self love

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That’s where it all starts. That’s where and when all the magic happens. When you love yourself you can start loving others and the world around you, for real. I get that now. I get that when you love yourself you defend yourself – that’s what standing up for yourself mean to me. You know when you talk you down, and you can stop and call bullshit. Or when someone comes with a truth that you don’t agree with, and you speak your mind, instead of just follow orders. That is standing up for yourself, to me.

Self love is when you nurse your own body like it was your child’s. It’s when you listen to its needs of sleep, nutrition, movements and love.

Self love to me is when you have a dream or a goal you desire to achieve and you believe in you and you do everything you need to do in order to get there. That is self love to me; when you believe in you.

Self love to me is when you just are and you are happy with that. You don’t always “have to be…” to be happy. That is peace of mind calling, and when you love yourself; that’s exactly what you will find.

Self love to me is doing things, using your inner strengths, whatever they may be, and not settling for the safe and the known, because you trust in your ability to do whatever you need, want and aspire to do.

Self love to me is looking at the whole picture, admire the whole picture and understand that the image doesn’t end with the frames.

I did it, and this is just the start! <3

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I did something today that I am feeling super proud of. Something that I feel excited about. And if I wouldn’t have done it I would have kept thinking about it. This made me realise what I want to do in my life. And what I want to do is sharing a message of self love. That’s what this is all about. Caring and loving yourself like you care for others. Because then you can go on living from a place of love.

I realised today that that’s a message I want to send out. And I realised today that every day I want to work towards making young girls and boys see themselves as worthy. There are so many things in the world that needs to be done, but I cannot focus on all of it. Sometimes you have to choose where you would like to make a difference, and for now; this is where I need to be.

I went into a girl school today, speaking to 25 15-16 year old girls about how to find self love. I spoke with them about eating disorders and how I manage to separate myself from that place. I was so nervous before I honestly considered jumping in front of a car to break a leg or something, but I then realised that I’m going to that classroom to tell the girls not to let their inner critic control their lives. So if I let my inner critic control my life I would be a hypocrite and a wannabe. So every little thought of self doubt that appeared in my head I fought off with a strong and encouraging one. I was fencing myself the whole week. My confidence won and I did a really good job. Most importantly, I really spoke from my heart with an intention of making every single girl in that room curious about self love and how to honour themselves. And I felt like I genuinely could share my thoughts.

After I was all shaky. I also felt quite empty. Where do I go from here and how can I do more? How can we make sure we teach the kids that loving themselves is key to respecting yourself and then you can figure out where you want to be in this world. And who you want to be.

This is something I want to be a part of. This is something I am a part of. <3

That body image shit again

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What even is that? It actually shouldn’t even be a thing. I hate body images, because they have and still do affect me a lot. If I listen I can hear how my brain is comparing me with everything there is to compare me with. Manikins, friends, models, my self. I compare myself with everything. Why do I do that?

It’s everywhere. In movies, in magazines, in real life. Diets, nutrition, work out plans or lack there of is all everyone talk about. Well, not really, but there is always someone you know who is up for a discussion about how to go about to look leaner.

Our world is full of contrasts. The same time we teach all our young girls that dieting is normal, complaining about our bodies is normal and being in love with ourselves is abnormal, we also get taught that looking after our bodies in the best possible way is extreme, and a bit too much out there.

Our society is based on eating crap and then diet with crappy techniques. Because I love to eat raw vegetables and avoid sugar and processed food people look at me as disciplined and extreme. But what they don’t know is that I’ve been the opposite, stuffed my face with fake sugars, diet cokes, processed things that say “low calories” and “no added sugar” and only lean proteins for years, and I’ve felt like shit. I wasn’t happy when I followed what was “normal”, so why is it extreme to live to make your body happy?

Not until I actually took a step back from my lifestyle of obsessive over-training and eating “fake-shit”, and started to understand my body’s biology, what it really needs and started to actually listen to that I could wrap my head around the whole body image thing. Because when I tried to achieve an “Ideal body” with crappy methods built on extremely biologically unnatural grounds, the way society push you to go about it, and I failed with frustration. I failed for ten years and felt like shit doing it.

But when I suddenly tried and put that “body image” aside, and focus on treating my body with respect, feed it what it truly craved, feed it what I would want my kids to eat, so many shifts happened inside of me. And I started to crave more of feeling good. What more could I do for my body? I can move a lot but only push myself when I know that it is what my body needs, not what my brain. And I can talk nicely to it. I make sure I get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and every time I hear those comparing voices in my head I simply tell them to fuck off. Listening to them, and listening to societies “normal” rules when it comes to body image turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. It made me genuinely unhappy. I already love so much, and it’s time I truly love myself, without comparison. Just love me.