Tag Archives: stockholm

Feel. Live. Be.

Ever since we got back from our holidays, Me from first two weeks in Sweden and then another two weeks in NYC with Adrian, friends and family, I’ve been feeling more down than up. It’s like I am not really settled in my life, I’m restless. I do what I do but there is a lack of joy and engagement and I am having a real hard time just being in the moment without constantly worrying or thinking or planning what’s next. I wonder if it is because of the fact (and I hope it is) that I have started to cut down even more on my antidepressants? I take it slow and it is so frustrating to do something without feeling any kind of reward from it. It’s like I’m peddling water. Like I’m standing still and all I want to do is just jump up and down and be involved in my life.

In Sweden I felt absolutely fantastic. I had been sick for a month, I think it was from cutting down  – apparently you can get physically sick, like the flue, from cutting down, who knew that? Honestly, I had all the symptoms; nausea, cough, temperature, blocked sinuses, panik anxiety etc, etc. It was like ‘it’ moved around in my body and settled down at a new place every day. I literally got well again on the flight over to Stockholm, which is another reason to why I think it was a mental reaction gone physical, and well there I felt so perfectly balanced. I didn’t stress over small shitty things that I let take control over me now and I didn’t constantly over think and analyse every single decision I made. I didn’t plan every minute of every day and I tried to make sure to be where I was and with whom I was with 

  

So comes NYC and I managed to bring that flow into this jack-hammering-city everyone loves, for a while. Sometime after the amazingwedding in Connecticut, where we got a break from the jack hammers and flashing signs, I somehow threw myself out of my own balanced flow and I haven’t really been able to settle down with myself since.  

I am stressing a lot about the small and the big stuff at the moment – which simply needs to stop because stressing and worrying is the opposite to living. I stress about money because I want to be able to plan trips to Sweden without having to let the bank decide for me – at the same time I am not willing to sacrifice my freedom of living a hippie-life with not too many musts – unbalance. I have to accept that trying to discover and engage in a life I love it is going to be a little work since I’m not quite sure what that would look like, yet. I am testing different ways and I know that I will stumble across something I love soon enough, I’m just not patient enough.

I have all these forces inside of me that all want different things – a lot of them contradict each other;

I want money but I refuse to do work I don’t enjoy. I want to feel like I am good enough and I want to feel like the life I live is amazing but I often find myself comparing my life to other peoples lives, thinking they’ve got it all sorted because I see what people are up to. I think that because peoples lives are scheduled they’ve succeeded. I am not super busy by normal western standards, and my mind thinks that because I am not busy every hour of the day I am useless and not worth much. But when I am busy I am not happy. When I have a job to go to I get really bad anxiety, almost panic; it is like my organs forget how to support me and I feel like I have to give up and quit. If I’m not aware I could easily pull my own hair out in panic. I am starting to believe that I not really made for the calendar life. Then my question to myself is; Am I just a pussy? Have everybody got screaming anxiety when they “have to” be somewhere? I feel like such a failure when I wake up to a mood and emotions that just hammer me with complete resignation.

Theoretically I know that I am very lucky – I really am! But why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I be in it? Why have I got such a hard time just living and enjoying it? (I really hope this is just my anti-depressants numbing…the real me. And as soon as I am done with this shit it wont be such a struggle just to land and be present in a moment).

I get it down to the fact that my mind is caught up in the doing and I am trying to find a way towards the being, that’s the mission I am on. I want to explore, enjoy and experience but at the moment I do too much planning, thinking and worrying.

I have to stop planning and start feeling, stop worrying and start living, stop expecting and just fucking be a part of my own life.

 

overthinking.

estland'

I’m an analyser. Or most would probably put me in the category of an over-thinker. I make up stories. I fear. I feel guilt. But in my over-analysing I usually end up at the same answer; If I’ve done things right and if I feel like something is aligned with what for me feels good, then all the stories and paranoia is worthless. But the way of getting there, to that conclusion, can be stressful, painful and often I loose a bit of confidence along the way. I beat myself down you know, and even if I recover, the memory of being beaten remains.

I catch myself in this process now. The process of having to justify having a coffee (because I haven’t had one since five days ago and today I felt like one, so I bought one, but I still don’t want to start to drink coffee on a regular basis, so I have to keep it to less than three per week, but today I had one coffee because I felt tired and I had to work and I wanted to be buzzing at work, but I cant have coffee every time I work, and I wont, but I had one today and that’s fine. If It stays with today, it’s fine). That’s how my mind goes off when I feel like I have to justify things.

It’s like, who actually cares? I don’t really care, but my brain seems to make such a big deal out of all small things like being tired, and hungry. It’s the two most simple states to fix in the universe. And the worst thing that can happen is just that I’ll be a little tired one day, or I’ll be a little hungry for a couple of hours, max.

My brain over analyse so many shit-things in my life that my energy towards that could fuel a whole nuclear site. But At least I’m catching myself doing it now, and I laugh at it. At myself, because that’s healthy, and that’s how you grow. You see a pattern, and if you don’t like it, you acknowledge it and interrupt it. Change focus.

Today I’m changing focus, and I’ll go with my gut, and live with my heart, and laugh at my brain. With love of course.

When in doubt

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The last few weeks, I’ve made a few huge changes in my attitude towards life. Some might think that it’s only a matter of time before I go all extreme again, because that’s what I do. But I don’t. Something snapped for me in Stockholm. And I’m ready to live to the fullest of my potential. In that being said, of course my past extreme living thoughts and rules are sometimes playing up in my head. I’ve got those voices telling me I’m no one without constantly being that person my rules made me. I’m no one if I don’t work out constantly. The thing is, I worked out like crazy, which was the only way that I new in order to find peace of mind, and so that I could eat and not get fat, but even doing what I was doing I constantly felt that I could/should do more. Eat less. I always felt guilty eating even when I had had a huge workout. Crazy how the brain work. You give an inch and it takes a mile. All the damn time. Never satisfied.

 I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look

I do find myself in those thought patterns sometimes. I think I should do this so that I can enjoy that… But then I stop myself, I catch myself in those thoughts and say to my brain that I have to do nothing in order to deserve food and love. Nothing. I find myself comparing me towards others. I see their beauty and I struggle to see my own, and then I stop myself. It’s ridiculous. It’s such a vain struggle I’m fighting. Even though I know that deep, deep down it’s probably not about looks, and that I don’t have to compliment my own look in order to find self-love. I have to see the beauty inside, and that’s where the solution is. The love. I know I’ve got a good heart. And I have a lot of love to give. A lot.  I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look. That’s not who I am. And not who I want to be.

It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows

So with so many big changes coming so fast, of course there are times of struggle, times of not a hundred percent optimism and giggles. But I’ve learnt now that it’s what you focus on that gets bigger. It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows. And the thing that you don’t give any attention, not give into, that slowly fades. Get smaller. Less important.

I focus on love. People. Happiness. Health. Peace of mind. That’s what I want to nourish. That’s what I want to grow. So that’s where my focus is at.

Where do my happiness live?

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My search for happiness continues. Even though I mostly consider myself happy, there are always areas in my life where I want to improve. If you ask my family for example, they would assure you that I have many unsolved issues, and I think that they came to the surface here in Sweden. I relax in a different way here. And I also act in a different way. I suppose when living with your parents in law compared to with your own parents your relaxed and sloppy side tend to keep you company a lot more when you are staying with your own parents. But I also live out my thoughts and feelings more. In Melbourne I live a life where the way I live isn’t getting questioned at all. Almost. Here I meet more of a patrol, and I have to justify my choices for others, and then at the same time also to myself.

This procedure force me to rethink my choices, and sort of re-choose them. Is this the life I want to live? I am scared that I will miss Sweden and being close to my family when I leave. I obviously will. Because I’ve been in Melbourne for two years strait I sort of forgot how beautiful Stockholm is. Summer Stockholm. My Stockholm family.

If I had to choose now, I would do it all over again. Melbourne is my home now, and I do love Melbourne. I love my passion, my search for lasting happiness. My search for a life that fulfills me. There is something about Melbourne that makes me feel more content. Maybe it is that I don’t have to worry about other people as much? We do our own thing and no one expect anything from us. I can do what I do without anyone questioning it. It might sound selfish, but my focus needs to be where I’m happy and content. It’s still all-new to me, feeling good. Being happy. If I loose focus I’m scared I’ll loose my happiness.

It has been a bit of a test for me, returning to Stockholm and exposing myself to my old life. I’ve had to take a few things under considerations, like why I do what I do. And if the life I’ve chosen to live is the life that will make me the happiest. I believe that life is a dynamic thing. And sometimes you get stuck in patterns that might prohibit you from follow the flow of life. What I do today might not be what will make me happier in three months. And that’s scary to me, because I love routines. At the same time that’s scary, its also scary to think that you might get so stuck into your routines that you loose your flow of life. What I’ve learnt here is that I need to work on following life rather than always following the rules that I’ve created. I believe that happiness is when you truly allow yourself to live. To be alive.

Old places, old habits

It’s funny, or not funny really. Strange might be the word. Frustrating? It’s like all my restlessness, lack of self esteem and obscure body image is trapped in the walls of my old room. I’m easily agitated. I feel fat but I know that I’m not. I’m frustrated with mum and dad, or mostly dad. Or his carriage? It’s like my old soul was waiting for me here.

Well this sounds a bit worse than it is. We are having an amazing time, mostly, and I love spending time with my parents. I don’t want to get away from them. I love them. But sometimes I get so frustrated because they aren’t taking care of themselves in the way I would love them to. Because I care about them. I Suppose this is how frustrated they used to be with me. When I didn’t care about my health. When I drank too much. When I starved. So I suppose that we are even now. But Life isn’t a competition, and I just want them to be happy. Like they wanted me to be happy back then. I feel my old feelings of helplessness awakens. And I feel this field of electricity in my body, like I can’t reach them. I cant reach dad and his carriage. And then I feel like my body is not what I want it to be. Like I did then. Like my old self would think. And feel.

Adrian wondered how I feel here. He could sense something. Am I’m happy. Content? Honestly, I just feel lost in my body. But happy to be here. And then it fucking hit me. It’s lingonberry week soon. It’s not the walls, and old habits entering my body. It’s my bloody, literally, hormones messing with my brain. Like they do every single month. And that I always forget. Surprise surprise.mayaadrian