Tag Archives: support

#Metoo

#Metoo.

One of the most beautiful things with this movement is, for me personally, the feeling of release and relieve of seeing people let go of their own shame and guilt –  with pride.

It might sound tragic to see beauty in the unity of something raw and wrong, but in some way it seem to ease that pressure I’ve carried around on my chest. That pressure that comes from wishing that I would have made “better” choices in life, and that pressure that comes from believing that because of my past I will never feel complete; that I fucked up and it’s not reversible.

Sharing what we are ashamed of leads to a combined realization that there is nothing to be ashamed of, not from our side. Sharing what we are feeling ashamed of is finally helping us, and others, to let go of that useless shame. That pressure. over the chest.

Me too have things to share, things that I today find it hard to speak of. It’s not so much what others have done to me, but what I’ve done to myself. I am ashamed of the fact that I’ve been weak. I’m ashamed of the fact that I’ve been sacrificing love for nothing other than misery. I’ve sacrificed love for friends, family and myself and for that I feel so guilty. I’m ashamed of the fact that I didn’t allow myself to ever feel like a worthy human – and what I, through that mindset, put myself through.

To me, its not just about sharing what people have done to us, although for so many that is the biggest pressure many are carrying around. For me it is about realizing that you and I are worth living life without guilt for the past or anxiety for the future no matter who or what we have been through.

I constantly try to share my demons, so that someone out there might be able to relate and get that pressure of their chest, if only for a minute – because I know how valuable that minute can be. That minute of realising that you are not alone. That minute of completely feeling that who you are is who you are and that will never change so whatever your past is carrying – it doesn’t have to have anything to do with the rest of your life. That minute of feeling that right here and right now – all is good.

There is a lot of anger attached to this movement. A lot of blame. And although I do wish that people who have exposed others to fear, shame and guilt really feel that guilt for themselves so that they can share and educate others on how to avoid it, (through respect and care(!)) I believe that the most important thing here is to realise that this type of shame that us, mostly woman, put ourselves through, is in fact shit and useless and I think that everybody who share things that they’re carrying all by themselves in order to help others should be so proud. Because sharing really is caring. Relating is fantastically supporting and it is really what this world needs.

It is in fact the main reason to why I wrote the book Free the girl; so that those girls out there who are ashamed of how they treat and think of their own bodies and minds can find someone to relate to, and realise that they are not alone. And then, through that experience they can see how one person realised that being ashamed, full of self hate for simply being a human is not at all what life is about. With my shame and guilt they are given one of many perspectives on how to break free from that destructive mental prison. It is my way of helping. My way of sharing. So yes, Metoo – in more than one way.

If you would like to get my book, you can get it here:

   https://www.amazon.com/Free-Girl-story-finding-self-love-ebook/dp/B074GV3DPZ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503383002&sr=8-1&keywords=free+the+girl+a+story+about+finding 

Either order it to your tablett or as a hard copy.

Moving forward can be scary

This week has been both hard and easy at the same time. I had a meltdown a couple a days ago. Like one of those where you cry so much you need sunglasses in the supermarket. Why did I feel bad? Well actually, bad wasn’t really what I felt; I more felt stuck in a place where I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what help I needed to ask for. It was as if I was stuck in a deep hole and I didn’t know that I needed to ask someone for a ladder or a rope to pull me out. I was in the hole and I didn’t know that a ladder existed. At the same time it felt slightly amazing feeling that panic, and I don’t know why. Maybe subconsciously I knew that after this storm there will be a step up and I will have moved forward. I knew my breakdown wasn’t the end, not even a step back. It was needed for me to gather my strength and focus to finally move forward.

I now feel as if I am back on track. I feel so supported. Adrian constantly remind me that I am doing what I am doing to feel good, help others to feel good and to not take challenges so seriously. One step at the time. If I let every challenge break my, then I have to ask myself what it is worth. I don’t feel as if anything I am doing today is breaking me, rather the opposite. Even when I was sitting there with my head on the kitchen table, feeling as if I have no clue on where to turn next, in any aspect, I could feel that letting all of this anxiety, around what I am doing, out I was finally ready to move on after.

Life has also introduced me to people who can truly help me with my book development so that the book can and will be as helpful as possible to people. Again, I feel a new wave of support around me that really couldn’t have come in a better time. It is so good when people come into your life and confirm the fact that you have got what it takes in you. People like that is invaluable and if you ever have the chance to make other people realise what they are worth – take it. It can change their whole way of living, thinking and being. It can change their life and in turn they can change someone else’s…

What I have learnt from the past week is that there is always people out there who knows or can help you with what you need to know in order to take something to the next level. Ask people for help. I have devalued my own needs for too long believing that what I need help with isn’t worth people’s time. But not believing that I deserve to get help is to believe that my purpose in life isn’t worth anyone attention, and I know that it is, because my purpose is to help others through my own experiences. I keep struggling with valuing my work. Sometimes I think of the “wrong what-if’s” and let them lead how I go about my work. I think “what if I ask all these people for help and then I let them down by failing” instead of thinking “if I can get help with this and that I can help so many more people relate and grow with and though my writing and that means that the work is invaluable too”. This is a shift of thinking about what I am doing that I really have to make now, or else I am only self-sabotaging.

Help others, and don’t feel bad to ask others for help! Invite people to share their knowledge and allow yourself to grow.

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.

Motivation

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Sometimes it can be hard to understand that what keeps me motivated might not be what give someone else his or her drive. It can be frustrating, especially since you spend so much time in your own head.

What used to motivate me was also the thing that drove me crazy. That perfect body. It wasn’t so much a motivator when I think back at it, it wasn’t like I got heaps of energy and willingness to be healthy and move. It steered up more frustration than motivation. The ideal body wasn’t a golden carrot to keep me happily going, it was a panic and frustration since I was convinced that I couldn’t enjoy life unless that body was already in my possession. So the perfect body controlled me, consumed me.

What motivate me now are health, energy and happiness. I want to feel good. It’s amazing to now have got feeling good as a top-motivator. When the perfect body was the only answer to happiness I couldn’t fulfil my health needs, nor my energy needs. I couldn’t eat what gave me energy and fullness because that, ridiculously, contradicted my fight for my ideal body.

I understand now that it’s important to have goals that are aligned with one another. I’ve always thought that my goals in life were supporting each other. But I see now that they were actually contradicting goals. Sometimes there is just the finest of lines between support and something totally working towards what you are investing your time in, your life in.

I understand now that it’s important to be clear with what you actually want, and why you want it. The why has to be as clear as the want, and the how will soon fall into place. When the why and the want are on the same page, how is never a question, because the why and want is enough motivation to kill all confusion. Even when the how is hiding, the motivation is there to make you look through all hidden places, no matter how long it will take. To find that how.