Tag Archives: trust

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.

I know what I need to know

There are a lot of things that I know right now, about my life and the world that is my reality. I know that I have never felt this good in my body simply by learning how to let it rest and listen to what it needs, without constantly trying to control it. I know that I have never had this much confidence in just being myself, even when being myself isn’t being a part of the status quo (finally), simply by saying fuck it and stop trying to imagine what other people think about me. I know that I for the first time believe and trust that my instincts are right and the less I try to control any outcome and plan my life ahead the more abundance I feel. One after another my needs are being met, and I have to be grateful for that. I know that the more I appreciate and see all of this and everything that I have and welcome it in my life the more it will all make sense.

I know that I have taken a big step towards living a life through my passion, leaving my secure job without having an exact plan for how I will get to and land at my next destination, but I knew that I had to do this in order for me to be able to be one hundred precent me.

The only things that I don’t know right now is when, how and where, but that doesn’t matter at all to me, because I don’t have to plan and know everything before it happen. I just have to know what I know and know why I know it. I have to feel that I am on the right track, ready for the next chapter, and I know that I am. That is all I need to know. Now I just do what I know that I am supposed to do, and I trust that everything is working out the way that it is supposed to work out.

This is freedom.

Letting go of what is holding me back

I hear determination, goal chasing, act act act, do do do and you will be happy, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and scared that I am doing it all wrong. And the more I think that I have to do the less happy I feel.

I am in a transition face in my life at the moment, and it is scaring the shit out of me. I am ready to let go of things that aren’t serving the life I am happy living, things that I feel are holding me back, but when I am doing so I am afraid of falling. I am letting go of trying to control my life and that makes me anxious because in my head control is all that I have got. Letting go of control makes me anxious almost to the point of paralyzation. I know that what I am doing is what I am happy doing, but the comfortable, safe and controlling part of me (my inner critic) is freaking out because for a while I just have to trust that I can manage and live life the way it unfolds, without trying to control any of it. And by doing so I have to trust that I am good enough in my own way. What I have to offer is good enough. What I am doing is good enough. I have to trust that, believe that.

To be honest, for me I am. I believe in me. I love what I do, because it is true to who I am, so why am I scared?

If I don’t let go I will feel safe but unhappy. And if I have to choose from feeling as if I have got everything under control but I am not happy then a happy free falling is what I need to do. I need to do a metaphorical jump out in freedom and trust that I will land wherever I am supposed to land. Most importantly; I have to trust that life wants me to be happy and successful on all levels in my life. I have to believe and have faith in myself, and live in my body, not in my head.

For such a long time I have been making all my decisions based on my thoughts, disconnected from my body. My thoughts have created problem after problem, and scared me away from following my own intuition. I have asked everyone but myself what I should be doing with my life. It is now time to step down from the critical place in my head and let my heart, body and soul guide me through life. I am done with over thinking and controlling. I am ready to feel and be free to follow life as it is, and trust that I am doing what I am meant to be doing.

Feeling lost is scary, but it is also a great resource. It means that you have something to figure out, and it means that you want something even if you might not know what it is that you want yet. Something that I have learnt that helped me a lot in feeling less lost is to practice not comparing myself to other people. I have always felt intimidated with go getters, those who are so determined and know exactly where they need to be and what they need to do. I have felt intimidated because when I compare myself to them I just see the drive that I don’t have.

What I do now is whenever that feeling occurs in my body I ask myself if I would want to live their life (or any other persons life for that matter), would I want their brain instead of mine, would I want to do all the hard work that they are doing? If the answer is yes, I want to live their life exactly the way they are living, putting in exactly the same amount of work as they do, then I would sit down and figure out how to do so. But I am not one of those people who want my whole calendar full, I don’t want to stress and rush around constantly. The moment we start copying what someone else is doing or start doing things just out of comparison to what other people are doing we loose contact with our soul, body and happiness. It is time to live the life we truly want to live and trust that we are good enough to do so.

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The part of me I leave behind

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Forever I have identified myself with my past. I’ve been proud to have been through so many emotional struggles. I’ve been grateful for what life has taught me even though I remember how much I hated parts of my life in the moments. I look back at my life and I feel for myself, and I wish that I could rewind the clock and share with me what I now know. And in one way I can. I can share what I know by listening to the lessons life has taught me, and act with that knowledge, use that knowledge as I keep on walking through life. Because I owe it to my younger self.

As I sat on the tram, going to work I was facing the back of the tram. I saw the path we had been traveling on, leaving it behind and I realised that those moments disappear as the second I leave them behind. Every second I leave time of me behind, parts of me behind, to history. My history. As much as I know that I need to focus on the road ahead and not get tangled up and analyse or over-analyse what’s left in the past I realized that in every second of my life, our lives, we create a moment we will leave behind only to remember. I look at the road I’ve been traveling on and hope that I can learn from the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve been taught and look back and see all these moments and use them to be proud on my journey forward. I’m done making myself smaller to fit in. I’m done talking myself down and apologizing for who I am and what I want to do and choose to do with my life. I’m proud as I walk forward through my life. I have to be, because I owe that to my future self.

I know that I can

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I wouldn’t consider myself a doer. I want to think that I am, but at the moment I’m not. I think and think and think, but when it comes to the doing part I pull out. I get scared. I’m too safe to do stuff without knowing the outcome. But recently I’ve started to experiment with the doing part. Like starting this blog for example. I’ve wanted and thought about having a blog for the last seven years. My thoughts of what can go wrong and what people could think has hold me back. It’s the same with most of the things I do in life. It’s like I don’t trust my own opinion of what’s good. I need someone else to either tell me what to do to get somewhere or let me know that what I’m doing is the right thing.

The more I do by myself, the stronger I feel within myself.

Lately I’ve started to push my limits with this a little. Not wait around for people to tell me what to do, and also stand up for what I do when someone ask me. It feels like just starting to make my own decisions and actually trusting that my opinion is as good as anyone else’s creates a good movement towards becoming more confidence in my life. The more I do by myself, the stronger I feel within myself.

I’ve also learnt that I often wait around for things to happen before I make a move. I think that if only this happen I’ll do that. Now, what if “this” doesn’t happen. Then “that” never will either. But what if I just go and do “that”, then “this” might happen, because I did “that” without waiting around for something to happen.

I make excuses not to do things. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and yet I don’t have the confidence to think that I can pull through. But I can, I know I can. And because I know that I can, I just have to start doing and doing and doing so that soon my whole body, and my whole brain knows that I can do things myself, without anyone confirming what I’m doing is right and without anyone telling me what to do. My opinion is as good as anyone, and as soon as I start to act as if, I’ll truly understand that. So that’s my mission now. To just do shit.